To not contribute?

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To DSCs main gifts this year?

Pre teen DSCs, been with DH 6 years, married for 4 and now have joint DC too who is 3 just after Christmas.

We do not share finances, I've never wanted to for a variety of reasons, including DSC. He's always been fine with this so we split bills from a joint account and then have what's left in separate accounts.

In the past I have always contributed toward DSCs presents by way of just going and purchasing some myself, this has become less and less as the years have gone on as their tastes are getting more and more expensive to the point now where their main gifts can be hundreds upon hundreds of pounds. Their parents refuse to share any gifts so I'd say they easily get over £1k each spent on them across the two households.

Basically I just don't want to be involved in this anymore, especially now we have our joint child too who's beginning for the first time to begin to understand Christmas and presents (and therefore is getting a bit more spent on them than previous years although absolutely no where near DSCs amount which I appreciate is down to the age gap).

I have spent £25 each on them so far and I'm not planning on spending anything else now. I don't want to spend hundreds of pounds toward their gifts. Imo they are quite spoilt which is of course up to their parents but I don't want to fund it anymore especially with our child needing accounting for and their birthday so soon after. DH leaves it to the last minute a lot so imagine the requests for contribution won't come until at least a couple of weeks.

AIBU to say if he wants to spend £££ that's up to him but he'll need to find the money himself or split it with their mum now?

Sorry should say * I have always contributed towards DSCs presents by way of buying some myself and giving DH some money toward their main gifts, often equalling £100+ each.

Yanbu but tell him now so it is not an issue - just say you can’t afford to contribute to the bigger gifts but have bought them a couple of things to open already.

YANBU except for the part where you call your DSC spoiled- For that YABU. Otherwise just be honest with your husband that the gifts are getting too expensive and you can’t afford to contribute to that anymore; but you are getting them something small from you x

they easily get over £1k each spent on them

Yup, that's spoiled in my book, too.

Nope, perfectly reasonable, sounds like they get more than enough as it is.

How are your joint child’s presents being paid for? Just winding if your DH is shopping for some of those himself, or your doing it from the joint account or all out of your own money and if he’s contributing?

I think as long as the dsc have something that they know you have chosen for them then it’s fine for you not to give your DH money for their presents. It would be sad for them not to get anything from you if that’s what they’re used to.

I don’t really understand what you can keep finding to buy teenagers that can cost over £1k but it sounds like a ridiculous amount to spend. And of course you can be spoiled as a kid although it’s not the kids fault obviously. Not unreasonable to not want to contribute to that madness OP.

Yanbu. Out of interest, does your dh also contribute towards your joint dc Christmas presents?

To me that spending on gifts sounds excessive so I think it’s fine, but give him the heads up now. That way you’re less likely to have conflict than if he’s expecting a contribution last minute or when he’s bought something.

I’m going to be in the minority voting yes to unreasonable… my rationale for that is that it was all fine with you until you had your own child. As a stepparent myself, and married to someone who is a stepparent to my child, I think that’s a bit shit of you.

• not wanting to contribute to stepchildren: YANBU
• contributing to them only until you have your own child and ditching them: YABU

Can children not be spoilt? Imo they are.

I don’t really understand what you can keep finding to buy teenagers that can cost over £1k

I used to think the same but they somehow manage it! It's because they won't split anything so they could end up with a computer from mum and a laptop from dad for example rather than just one laptop/computer. It's insane imo. Less noticeable when they were younger and getting toys but now it's all tech it seems crazy to duplicate it between both houses basically but that's what they choose to do!

Yes. He'll usually just send me half the cost as I'm the one who goes out and sorts their gifts.

You sound quite judgemental when you say their parents “refuse” to share gifts. Like they’re just being awkward. I think it’s by far the norm that divorced parents do not do joint presents.

It's not solely this. As I said in my OP, as the years have gone on and their tastes are getting more expensive, the amount being spent seems crazy to me and I no longer want to be a part of it. That's in addition to the fact that yes I also have my own child to consider now too.

@Divebar2021 I think it would be pretty easy to spend £1k. A new phone, laptop or gaming set up would take up most of it (and could need replaced every 3 years), and then some brand name clothes, trainers, make up etc would make up the rest.

I agree it’s a lot of money, but there’s a lot of people who are able to do it.

I just personally think it's a bit daft for a child to end up with two computers for example. But each to their own, I've not said anything about this to them, it's up to them. It's up to me if I want to be involved in paying for it though.

My child has an iPad in each house 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s not “crazy” or “insane”, thank you.

It’s because we both want her to be able to move freely between homes without having to think about where things are, and without having to be packing or carrying anything.
It’s not her fault we’re divorced, and that’s one of the things we can do for it not to impact her. We’re fortunate that we can both afford this.

They won't even speak to each other about who's getting what so there have literally been some years where we've got the same thing as their mum has! That's such a waste of money in my opinion.

As I say, it's my opinion. That is yours which is fine. That wasn't the subject of my OP.

And you don’t think it’s “a bit daft” for a child who has to split their lives between two homes, through no fault of their own, to have to plan and pack and carry and sometimes be inconvenienced without their computer - all for the sake of the cost of a second which the parents are happy to afford?

all for the sake of the cost of a second which the parents are happy to afford?

That's fine if that's what they want to do, as I've said repeatedly. I just don't want to spend my money paying for it. So if they can each afford it without my input then they can carry on.

Children who live in two homes don’t need or want to be moving stuff back and forth all the time. So things like a game system or tablet do tend to be one house. Mobile phone, obviously you just have one.

My Dd has the one computer as again you don’t want to be working on two different ones usually.

I think it’s relevant to your OP because you’re justifying not spending what you used to on your stepchildren by calling your husband’s decision crazy, insane, daft. When actually separate presents for divorced parents and duplicated items at different houses is just normal. It’s not a good justification.

What you’re really saying is - you want to spend less on your stepchildren yourself, because now you have your own child.

So - own it.

Well yes that is part of the reason, it says as such in my OP. I also now need to consider my own child and making sure they get presents too, AND DSCs presents are now way way more expensive than they used to be.

Those are my reasons... As per my OP.

I have obviously struck a bit of a nerve with you though.

Definitely don’t contribute OP. They are his kids, not yours.