To not contribute?

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To DSCs main gifts this year?

Pre teen DSCs, been with DH 6 years, married for 4 and now have joint DC too who is 3 just after Christmas.

We do not share finances, I've never wanted to for a variety of reasons, including DSC. He's always been fine with this so we split bills from a joint account and then have what's left in separate accounts.

In the past I have always contributed toward DSCs presents by way of just going and purchasing some myself, this has become less and less as the years have gone on as their tastes are getting more and more expensive to the point now where their main gifts can be hundreds upon hundreds of pounds. Their parents refuse to share any gifts so I'd say they easily get over £1k each spent on them across the two households.

Basically I just don't want to be involved in this anymore, especially now we have our joint child too who's beginning for the first time to begin to understand Christmas and presents (and therefore is getting a bit more spent on them than previous years although absolutely no where near DSCs amount which I appreciate is down to the age gap).

I have spent £25 each on them so far and I'm not planning on spending anything else now. I don't want to spend hundreds of pounds toward their gifts. Imo they are quite spoilt which is of course up to their parents but I don't want to fund it anymore especially with our child needing accounting for and their birthday so soon after. DH leaves it to the last minute a lot so imagine the requests for contribution won't come until at least a couple of weeks.

AIBU to say if he wants to spend £££ that's up to him but he'll need to find the money himself or split it with their mum now?

Which would be kind of ok if she'd spoken to him about this in June and given him time to work out how he was going to do Xmas on a smaller budget but you can't do that after the last pay day before Christmas and just drop it on him.

Losing a few hundred pounds plus contributing half to their shared DC is going to have a massive impact on what his children receive.

** Well then let's agree to disagree

I find that a weird position as the DSC have two parents spending on them PLUS this bonus £25 gift from their stepparent so they are getting more overall than the shared DC who only has two parents. Unless the ex is chipping in a small gift for them (haha hell would freeze).

@B1993, ok 👍

I would set an equal budget that you can afford for each child, say £200 for arguments sake (obviously it could me more or less depending on what you're both comfortable with). You could both contribute 50/50 into the pot and anything extra that your DH wants to spend (on any of the children) is down to him to fund

Just wondering (and this is genuine question but I can't make it sound not sarcastic in written word sorry!), In this example, would it also then be acceptable for me to spend whatever extra I wanted on my DC on top, as you said DH can on his? If so, is there really that much difference in what we are doing now? I.e. just buying for our own?

*I think the issue is describing your SC as "spoilt". It's a very emotive word, and whether you want to admit to it or not, it has strongly negative connotations.

The dictionary definition of spoilt is "harming the character of someone by being too indulgent".

It's an unpleasant description. Some parents like to treat their DC, and I think in the cases of divorce the reasons for this are complex and manifold. It's perfectly possible to provide your child with lots of material items without them becoming "spoilt".*

But OP knows these children, and she feels that it IS having a negative affect on them. Why is that so hard for some people to stomach? Honestly this thread is maddening.

So for example, our 3yos presents come to roughly £100 I'd say. £50 from me, £50 from DH.

I've also then contributed £50 toward DSC too so that's equal is it not?

Then as you say, DH is free to spend whatever extra on top he wants to and I am free to do the same for our DC?

Yes, because I can have an opinion and it doesn't have to be the same as yours 🤦🏻‍♀️

I might feel that, in this situation, it is important to make the children feel equally valued by ALL of the parents and not feel that certain children are prioritied. However, I also accept that others might have a different view point.

I didn't come here to argue. I came to give my opinion. If you don't like it or don't agree, fair enough but there's a difference in not agreeing and claiming what I have to say isn't valid.

I just buy my kids Christmas presents and put both our names on the gift tag. He just buys his kids presents and puts both our names on the gift tag. Why can’t he just buy the presents and put both names on the tag. How did you get roped into doing the wifework when you’re not even the wife?

He likely will. We've always done it like this. As I said, I'll just put the £25 gifts I've already bought in the "us" pile. They won't even know those were bought by me and not their dad.

@aSofaNearYou, when I used the word 'acceptable' I was referring to the compromise that would suit OP and DH. I'm not sure why people have forgotten that a marriage isn't about being 'right' or 'wrong' but working together as a team and finding common ground on issues that suit both parties.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I do think you need to discuss this now and not leave it until you're closer to Christmas.

I think you both need to determine your budget and then split that three ways. Surely that's the only fair way?

@girlmom21 I can sort of see your point about pay day and forewarning but I guess it depends on the financial position of the person in question, if she knows he can't afford to buy their presents without her contribution at this point then it would have been best to tell him earlier, but that's not a given, he might be able to afford it.

It still doesn't detract from the fact it should be perfectly acceptable for her to not spend this much on them.

Where is the compromise on the amount being spent on the DSC and the fact OP doesn't approve of it, then? Compromise should work both ways not just one.

@rainbowstardrops:
I think you both need to determine your budget and then split that three ways. Surely that's the only fair way?

Right?! I've been torn apart for saying to create a joint budget for kids and split it!! Seems like some MN's take the view that it's their way or the high way snd don't understand the idea of compromise 😬

They are not her kids, he needs to buy his own kids’ presents and not expect OP to contribute.

But the children have two parents who can buy their presents? The OP has bought them gifts too. You’re being a bit harsh imo.

Yes but by pointing that out you implied it was relevant context to your AIBU, so it makes sense that people are considering it in their evaluation/ response .

@aSofaNearYou

I've got MUCH better things to do that explain myself to you, a complete stranger... 🙄🙈🤣

However, OP said that they spilt all joint bills. When they got married, those kids became hers and I see that as a joint expenditure. Therefore, in my eyes, a compromise would be to agree a budget (I've already told OP that this should be amount to she s comfortable with too) and contribute equally.

Where have yiu been ‘torn apart’?

I'm honestly not tearing you apart, I apologise if I've come across that way!

Genuinely though, if in your example, DH (and I, I assume) can then go on to spend whatever we want on our DC in addition to whatever we've budgeted and split 3 ways, how is that much different? Surely that still equals unequal spending?

Yes you should be. Go on a spree and spend £1000 on your DC.

Then no problem whatsoever

You’ve nothing to apologise for. The people who expect step-mums to fund their step-kids are always weirdly sensitive.

So if those kids became hers, if is fair enough for her to put her foot down about how much is being spent on them and say she feels in her parental wisdom that it is making them spoilt and they need to cut down, right?