To not contribute?

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To DSCs main gifts this year?

Pre teen DSCs, been with DH 6 years, married for 4 and now have joint DC too who is 3 just after Christmas.

We do not share finances, I've never wanted to for a variety of reasons, including DSC. He's always been fine with this so we split bills from a joint account and then have what's left in separate accounts.

In the past I have always contributed toward DSCs presents by way of just going and purchasing some myself, this has become less and less as the years have gone on as their tastes are getting more and more expensive to the point now where their main gifts can be hundreds upon hundreds of pounds. Their parents refuse to share any gifts so I'd say they easily get over £1k each spent on them across the two households.

Basically I just don't want to be involved in this anymore, especially now we have our joint child too who's beginning for the first time to begin to understand Christmas and presents (and therefore is getting a bit more spent on them than previous years although absolutely no where near DSCs amount which I appreciate is down to the age gap).

I have spent £25 each on them so far and I'm not planning on spending anything else now. I don't want to spend hundreds of pounds toward their gifts. Imo they are quite spoilt which is of course up to their parents but I don't want to fund it anymore especially with our child needing accounting for and their birthday so soon after. DH leaves it to the last minute a lot so imagine the requests for contribution won't come until at least a couple of weeks.

AIBU to say if he wants to spend £££ that's up to him but he'll need to find the money himself or split it with their mum now?

That’s split between 2 homes though, I easily spend £400 on my teen and that’s not a lot compared to many people i know.

So people think it's reasonable that the DSC have 3 adults buying them presents but OPs child has 2? What happened to ALL the children being treated equally?

I understand that teens gifts are often more expensive but OPs DSC are pre-teens.

That’s what happens when parents split up. Her SC might have 4 adults buying for them.

I spend as much in my own kids as with my step children , yes they get presents form their mum and her family too but I’m not changing the way I think . They are as part if our family as my children are ( we both have kids form previous relationships and our own ) .
Christmas and birthdays are the time go spoil them imo .
The fact you only had a issue with this after having your own child speaks volumes to em and it will to them too .

And ? That’s what happens with divorces parental most times . What my step kids are given at home with mum and what we buy them are 2 separate things .

Do you mean "we" from joint finances? That's not what's happening with the OP.

No it really isnt at all. That could be a couple of jumpers, jeans and shoes with a piece of tech.

It adds up very quickly when you’re buying adult sizes.

That’s what happens when parents split up. Her SC might have 4 adults buying for them.

Or they might have two, just like other kids, as their step parents may not match that.

True or they might have 1 because they don’t see the other parent.

Hi OP, I have a similar situation. My DSS are 15 & 17 now and as they’ve got older, their Christmas presents have definitely got more expensive. Officially, any gifts come from me and their dad, but I generally leave the gift buying to him as he’s got a better idea of what teenage boys want. Having said that, in our old house, we did up their room one Christmas, and I bought lots of furniture and posters and bed linen etc, because DH is rubbish at stuff like that — and I buy bits & pieces still now, as & when I see things I think they’ll like. (I ordered a couple of wallets today for their Christmas stockings, for example.) I think it’s okay to say to your DH that you’d rather not contribute — but as others have suggested, perhaps have the conversation now rather than waiting for him to ask you for your share…

I say we as well sign together but to be fair I eat 3x as much as my partner , not that it matters if you are living together . Maybe that’s what the Op need to discuss , they are married all gifts should be from both surely ?

What we do with my kids/step daughter is that we budget x amount for each child which comes out the joint budget, and then if I want to spend more on my kids then I do, if my partner wants to spend extra on his daughter then he does 😊 it works quite well because budget is agreed in advance and then no misunderstandings

That’s ridiculously spoilt !!
id not be buying them anything & suggesting to your husband he stops the competition with his ex.
spend the money in a holiday. Or something else they need in the middle of the year.

my children get about £50 on them at Xmas & have other things all throughout the year, when they need them! Not all on 25/12.

Christmas isn’t meant to be about who can spend the most!

also, this competition for duplicating things. Can mum & dad not compromise and share a purchase? Are they going to end up with two cars? Two wedding dresses? Two house deposits. Because two parents can’t contribute to the same thing? …… I know this sound ridiculous……. But is it?
i’d be banging their head together!!!

financially it’s insane. It’s also an awful example of parenting and adulting to be setting to teenagers!

OP - YANBU, at all. It's clear you have very different values re consumerism and Christmas to your DH and his exDW. I think many parents like to justify their competitive spending at Christmas - it gets worse every year. Yes teen gifts can be expensive but surely they don't need these expensive items every year and they do have birthdays too. My DS has had a gaming laptop, VR, iPhone bought for him over the last 2yrs - does that mean I should spend hundreds on him for the sake of it- should I not expect some longevity out of these items that cost £££
I bet if you ask your step DC what they really want, they wouldn't be asking for so many expensive things - it's likely more competitive spending from the parents trying to outdo each other. You could spend your £25 making a fun personalised stocking for them and they'd probably enjoy it far more - or spend it taking them out to see a Xmas film or a special lunch - it actually shows more thought and care than duplicating expensive gifts.

That’s interesting. We are a split family and there are some tech that are duplicated. My DM bough iPads but I don’t allow them to take them to exDH’s house as things aren’t always looked after properly. They got cheaper tablets there one Christmas. We did decide a long time ago that we weren’t keen on them being suitcase kids and having to pack stuff between houses all the time. They don’t have laptops yet. DD13 has a chrome book for school bought by me and if she needed to take it to his for homework she would. They have phones that travel between. Their switches sometimes do travel between but games have gone missing in this process - often found weeks later down his sofa or never at all. Certain bits of uniform (activities and school) go back and forward as they aren’t regularly attending from one place. They used to have school uniform at both houses when he had them in the week regularly but don’t now.

As for Xmas. We haven’t shared gift costs until this year. One main present is something that we’ve bought together as it’s an experience type gift we will all attend. That’s unusual though.

The spending OP has mentioned does sound excessive. My main gift is usually £100 max - and sometimes that can be two gifts totalling £100. I buy bits as well. I can never understand those that spend thousands though but I guess if they can afford it then fair enough.

I think some split families do over compensate. I don’t have another partner or step children so can’t comment on that side of things. But they do now get two ‘main presents’ and a pile of little bits to open at each house.

I don't even really get why you should be contributing at all apart from buying a small present? They have 2 parents contributing in full to their Christmas presents so surely that's enough? Have a talk with your husband in sure he will understand that the finances make sense...