To not contribute?

[PopInn]

To DSCs main gifts this year?

Pre teen DSCs, been with DH 6 years, married for 4 and now have joint DC too who is 3 just after Christmas.

We do not share finances, I've never wanted to for a variety of reasons, including DSC. He's always been fine with this so we split bills from a joint account and then have what's left in separate accounts.

In the past I have always contributed toward DSCs presents by way of just going and purchasing some myself, this has become less and less as the years have gone on as their tastes are getting more and more expensive to the point now where their main gifts can be hundreds upon hundreds of pounds. Their parents refuse to share any gifts so I'd say they easily get over £1k each spent on them across the two households.

Basically I just don't want to be involved in this anymore, especially now we have our joint child too who's beginning for the first time to begin to understand Christmas and presents (and therefore is getting a bit more spent on them than previous years although absolutely no where near DSCs amount which I appreciate is down to the age gap).

I have spent £25 each on them so far and I'm not planning on spending anything else now. I don't want to spend hundreds of pounds toward their gifts. Imo they are quite spoilt which is of course up to their parents but I don't want to fund it anymore especially with our child needing accounting for and their birthday so soon after. DH leaves it to the last minute a lot so imagine the requests for contribution won't come until at least a couple of weeks.

AIBU to say if he wants to spend £££ that's up to him but he'll need to find the money himself or split it with their mum now?

It depends - my children go from school to their Dad’s I wouldn’t want them taking a load of tech to school with them. My OH gives money towards their presents but I don’t rely on it, it’s completely up to him.

This

As a step parent myself who treats my step child just the same as I treat my biological child I think YABU

Yeah, noticing that you're spending a fraction of the amount on your own children that you are on someone else's will effectively bring home any festering feelings that too much is being spent on them. It does put things in a new and clearer perspective.

You often hear it said on here that SM's MUST have just suddenly flipped and changed their opinion on SC related issues because they've had their own child. It's rubbish tbh. I experienced no such flip about my DSC when my DC was born, the less positive thoughts I had (such as OPs feeling that they are spoilt at Christmas) were already there - it's perfectly normal for feelings to strengthen over time or for people to run out of patience with something that has always annoyed them after a certain point. It's not always a sudden switch at all or triggered purely by having your own child, as is evidenced by the fact that OP had her DC years ago and has only just become fed up enough with this to make a stand.

I’m with you OP in regard to not wanting to spend excessive amounts on Christmas gifts.

You should not have agreed to do joint expensive Christmas gifts in the first place. This is the responsibility of their Mum and Dad. They should be communicating and not wasting ridiculous amounts of money buying duplicate expensive gifts.

You should continue to buy your DSC a Christmas gift, but have a normal budget. The same for Birthdays. I don’t get the screwed logic of spending stupid money on gifts just because it’s Christmas. Our kids get decent gifts from us as we’re their parents. Everyone else gets token gifts, minus my Mum, Step Father and Sister who we spend a bit more on. My partner and I have big families. We often buy token Christmas gifts for each other, just so the kids can see us open something from each other. And then we’ll go shopping in the January sales for bargains if we want anything else.

Duplicate expensive tech between households is just crazy and so wasteful. As another pp stated, laptops are portable.

Parents that spend silly money on their DC at Christmas are spoiling their kids. Our DC get one decent Christmas gift each from their Christmas Gift List and then a few cheaper stocking filler type gifts so they grow up to understand the value of money. They also receive several additional gifts from extended family members so receive more than enough. We can afford to spend more on our DC, but we do that throughout the year.

Money or Christmas does not buy you love.

Most people will feel shit when they look at their bank accounts after Christmas and wonder ‘What was it all about!?’

What did you think would be the outcome of blending families ?

Why is it daft to have 2 xboxes say , one at each house.
Moving them About is a bit of a pain and risks them being broke and if only at dads at weekends they only can use it at weekends
£1000 is a lot but does yOur dh and his ex buy them stuff all year
Some people buy laptoos dor school, new mobile and clothes whenever needed others save and give all at xmas
As long as no one is getting into debt with presents then people can spend whatever
I think you may be shocked how much you spend on your dc as they get older

Whether 1k is reasonable or not is neither here nor there really. It wasn't my question.

My question was whether id be reasonable to stop contributing hundreds of my own money towards it.

Not sure what you mean?

Why is it daft to have 2 xboxes say , one at each house

And I've already said I understand some things like games consoles. But no I doubt get why they need two laptops say, or two tablets and so on.

This situation is solely about Christmas presents. You've made up that I'm less engaged and interested. We never sign presents anyway so I doubt they'd even know. For example they won't know that I specifically have bought the £25 each gifts. They'll just go in the "from us" pile. It's been that way every year.

Yanbu.

How are are his children?

11yo (12 soon) and 13yo

YANBU

im not sure why children need so much spent on them. Plus they then come to expect it.

the parents need to communicate as well

I think you're entirely in the right OP, aside from making it clear now. Don't wait until just before Christmas. I think it's fairer to give your DH the heads up now to say that's what happening this year because of XYZ reasons.

It's clear people have strong opinions because of their own situations but don't be persuaded that you're doing the wrong thing or being mean to your DSCs (because you're not). Every family is different and you need to find a balance that works for you.

I don't agree with married couples not sharing finances as to me, that is literally the point of marriage. But each to their own and given that you don't share finances, I actually agree that you shouldn't have to contribute to the SDCs presents if you don't want to as long as you do give them something nice.

But YABU to say they are spoilt due to gifts costing upto £1k. Things like iPads, laptops, phones etc can easily cost that and some and these are not unreasonable expectations as gifts for older DCs.

I dislike the general consensus on MN to describe DCs that have had a bit spent on them at Xmas as "spoilt". I always remember reading about Tony Blairs's son who went to the White House to do an internship when he left uni. No one ever said he was spoilt or had too much spent on him. But what an opportunity and all because he had had access to a ££££ education and a PM as a dad. But when a kid who lives in a council flat with zero opportunity in life gets an iPad and an expensive bike, people sneer and say he's spoilt. I bet Elton John's and David Beckham's kids get more then a grand spent on them!

Plus they then come to expect it

This is a problem we now have. It's a struggle more and more each year to find gifts that the same wow factor / amount of money as the ones from previous years because it's a precedent now. I also think there is a bit of competition between the parents (not solely based on presents but not going into everything here).

It is absurd to spend this much on children, ever!

They are children. They do not need a gaming pc. If they want one as a teenager, that's a good incentive to go get a job to earn the money to buy one. Same for expensive phones.

I genuinely believe that this is why we have entitled young people coming through. They haven't learned that some things you don't get until you work & earn them for yourself, even if you want them. They just get bought whatever they want.

An ipad at each house is a colossal waste.

As I say, if their parents want to spend that sort of money on them they can. I just don't want to be involved in paying for it.

Personally I think my DSC are spoilt in that they appear to get whatever they want regardless as to whether their parents can really afford it or afford it easily. My own husband would agree they are a bit spoilt. My own son can be spoilt sometimes. Personally I don't say spoilt as some momentous insult.

When I was a teenager I received a laptop one Christmas, an iPod another, and I think a mobile phone might have been a Christmas present at one point. But these did not set a precedent, they were one off expensive purchases and next year, when I already had that thing, it was back to DVDs and a new hat and scarf. It's absolutely absurd to think if you buy a kid important tech one year, they need similar spent on them every year.

I'm not going to go into every example here either but it's not just solely this situation that makes me say that. There is definitely underlying feelings of competition between their mum and dad about never saying no or being the bad one or wanting to get the best gift and so on. Perhaps that isn't uncommon in separated parents, I can definitely understand why it may happen. But yes I do think it can end up leading to spoiling kids.

Hmm Yeh but you did call them spoiled in the OP, and made digs at your DH and ex for their approach so it did kind of sound like that was part of your reasoning/ justification

Nice to get them something, not necessary to spend anything like that much. YANBU

I agree that you shouldn't be treating DSC differently to your child.

I think you need to hash something out with DH. Maybe agree on a budget and split it equally between the all of your children. Then, anything in addition to that, he spends himself. I know your joint DC might not need as much as they're a lot younger, so any additional funds can go towards a family day out or into a savings account.

I personally feel like this is an acceptable compromise 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly I doubt we'd be able to afford to spend the same on our joint DC as he spends on DSC. Our child is 3 they don't need £500+ spending on them whether that goes in savings or not that just seems crazy.

The only way we could spend equally right now on all 3 kids is to reduce what DSC get which I doubt he'd agree to.