To not contribute?

[PopInn]

To DSCs main gifts this year?

Pre teen DSCs, been with DH 6 years, married for 4 and now have joint DC too who is 3 just after Christmas.

We do not share finances, I've never wanted to for a variety of reasons, including DSC. He's always been fine with this so we split bills from a joint account and then have what's left in separate accounts.

In the past I have always contributed toward DSCs presents by way of just going and purchasing some myself, this has become less and less as the years have gone on as their tastes are getting more and more expensive to the point now where their main gifts can be hundreds upon hundreds of pounds. Their parents refuse to share any gifts so I'd say they easily get over £1k each spent on them across the two households.

Basically I just don't want to be involved in this anymore, especially now we have our joint child too who's beginning for the first time to begin to understand Christmas and presents (and therefore is getting a bit more spent on them than previous years although absolutely no where near DSCs amount which I appreciate is down to the age gap).

I have spent £25 each on them so far and I'm not planning on spending anything else now. I don't want to spend hundreds of pounds toward their gifts. Imo they are quite spoilt which is of course up to their parents but I don't want to fund it anymore especially with our child needing accounting for and their birthday so soon after. DH leaves it to the last minute a lot so imagine the requests for contribution won't come until at least a couple of weeks.

AIBU to say if he wants to spend £££ that's up to him but he'll need to find the money himself or split it with their mum now?

❤️❤️❤️

Not sure why you are getting a hard time here. Feels in this example like it’s OPs own child that comes off worse with less spent on then.

OP does your DH spend the same on his child with you as he does on his other DC?

Whilst this is true I do think it's fair to acknowledge that the way their parents behave can often affect DC and their view of a SP. So it's not just as simple as saying who cares whether their mum doesn't like it. The fact their mum doesn't approve may affect how involved DSC want you to be etc..

Lots of nuances so I rarely think it's as simple as "this is how it should work", perhaps in an ideal world yes but lots of varying reasons why that may not be the case.

No but I don't necessarily expect him to (yet). A 3 year old doesn't need £500+ spending on them. But if this is what DH expects his children to receive at Christmas, I do expect him to feel the same when DC is older and I'll be questioning why not if it's suddenly then acceptable for our child to get much less at the same age!

That's lovely.

Exactly @PopInn . Came on to reply in precisely these terms. It's facile to suggest children aren't hugely influenced by their parents attitude towards step-parents (and ex spouses).

Wise woman keeping your finances separate.

I think you give a token gift as planned and leave the competing parents off to do their own thing.

You wrote you don't think you and your husband could match a similar amout to be spent on your child?

Even more reason for you to step away from this.

Start saving for your child.

Don't entertain your husband in this.

Yes this is all true. It’s so much more complicated than I had realised. Mumsnet has definitely opened my mind!

Sorry if I missed it but has he said he's expecting you to contribute so much?

Sometimes in my experience the best thing I can do as a stepparent is NOT parent. I've had so many conversations with them I don't think they'd have had if they'd seen me as a parent.

@B1993 we'll have to agree to disagree then won't we. Because in my opinion, it is bullshit.

personally I think however people want to organise blending is fine, but what disgusts me so much, on step parenting threads on this forum, is the way that children’s experiences, needs, feelings get cast aside in the name of step parents standing firm on their “boundaries”. I think if you marry someone with children, you commit to recognising that their (the children’s) welfare comes first- Whether that involves taking a parental role or not . All children deserve that. If you are not prepared to take that stance, you shouldn’t involve yourself in a family with children.

There are very few instances where a SC's welfare would be impacted by a step parent having boundaries over what they are willing to do.

How much their step parent personally contributes to the hundreds of pounds spent on them at Christmas certainly has zero impact on their welfare.

No one suggested that children aren’t influenced their parents, but if the issue is your DSC wouldn’t like you to be too involved with them, then say that. In your pp you center their mother’s perspective - suggesting it was absurd to think you could take on a parenting role , because your DSCs’ mother wouldn’t like it. It just smacked of the vibe that I always get from these forums where the adults involved think it’s all about their respective needs/ wants/ boundaries. As I said, whatever relationship you have, all that matters in my view is that everyone agrees that the welfare of the kids comes first .

@HandbagsnGladrags, That's fine. I'm not going to try and convince you otherwise as is perfectly ok to have different opinions, especially about such divisive topics 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm pleased you have accepted there's a more polite way of doing so though and have realised you don't have to be quite so nasty and toxic about such matters 👍🏻

Totally disagree with your first paragraph.

Agree with second. I voted OP was NBU. (Apart from calling her DSC spoiled which I thought was U).

@Tandora Boundaries are things like "I want to stay living in my own place and have some separation" or "I want to continue going out sometimes when they are here" or "I'm not willing to do childcare/school runs" or "I'm not willing to spend hundreds on their Christmas presents"

Their welfare is not being impacted by any of the above. If a step parent is not willing to talk to their SC with kindness then yes they shouldn't get involved, but pretty much everything else that pertains to how much they "do" for them is not a welfare issue and is a boundary they are perfectly entitled to have.

I suppose it depends what you mean by a boundary.

I have seen countless examples on this forum- where SCs were being hurt by situations and people- often yourself! - coming on and saying that the child just needed to get over it. often these arguments were justified on the grounds of the SM “having boundaries” and not needing to take any responsibility for her SCs feelings because she wasn’t their parent.

After all, a boundary could be anything- you live with me 50% but while you’re here I’m only going to cook for my own DC and not you. Do you think that could impact a child?

@Tandora In my opinion, anything that you would expect as a normal act of kindness from anyone that was not a parent, should be expected from a step parent. So cooking for them whilst cooking for everyone else in the household would fall under that category.

But anything beyond everyday kindness, that you would expect from a parent, cannot be expected of a step parent even if it does mean there are some differences between what they do for their own DC vs their SC (such as school runs, childcare and present buying/otherwise funding, putting up with atrocious behaviour). In choosing to pursue a relationship after separating from their coparent, and unless otherwise agreed, a parent is accepting that they are bringing someone into their child's life who will never be responsible for them like a parent would be, and this may sometimes be apparent to their child. If they're not comfortable with that, they shouldn't get into a relationship.

Tbh the 👍 comes across a little passive aggressive

I don't cook for my DSC. It works perfectly fine. DH does the cooking when they are her.

It was meant only with kindness!

Although, I'm very pleased that I'm not outwardly aggressive like so many ladies on here seem to be!! It's shocking! 😬

Again, it all depends on context, but what matters is not what adults
define as being the distinction between ‘kindness’ and ‘parenting’ but the welfare of the particular child in the particular context at hand.

Sure- it all depends on the context / set up. But there could be a context/ situation where that principle could become extremely problematic and harmful to a child’s welfare.

@Tandora I disagree. If it's parenting then it isn't impacting the child's welfare for the step parent to not do it as they have parents to do it. It's not complicated, all you have to do is ask yourself "would I be consider this to be harmful to my child's welfare if a different relative or friend wasn't willing to do it, or would I just accept it's my job as the parent." You wouldn't think that about them not doing a school run, but you would about them telling your child they won't cook for them whilst they are in their house and cooking for everyone else, for example.

If the child's emotional temperament is such that their welfare IS impacted by having someone in their life who is not their parent so doesn't always act like their parent, then the actual parent should have stayed single.