To not contribute?

[PopInn]

To DSCs main gifts this year?

Pre teen DSCs, been with DH 6 years, married for 4 and now have joint DC too who is 3 just after Christmas.

We do not share finances, I've never wanted to for a variety of reasons, including DSC. He's always been fine with this so we split bills from a joint account and then have what's left in separate accounts.

In the past I have always contributed toward DSCs presents by way of just going and purchasing some myself, this has become less and less as the years have gone on as their tastes are getting more and more expensive to the point now where their main gifts can be hundreds upon hundreds of pounds. Their parents refuse to share any gifts so I'd say they easily get over £1k each spent on them across the two households.

Basically I just don't want to be involved in this anymore, especially now we have our joint child too who's beginning for the first time to begin to understand Christmas and presents (and therefore is getting a bit more spent on them than previous years although absolutely no where near DSCs amount which I appreciate is down to the age gap).

I have spent £25 each on them so far and I'm not planning on spending anything else now. I don't want to spend hundreds of pounds toward their gifts. Imo they are quite spoilt which is of course up to their parents but I don't want to fund it anymore especially with our child needing accounting for and their birthday so soon after. DH leaves it to the last minute a lot so imagine the requests for contribution won't come until at least a couple of weeks.

AIBU to say if he wants to spend £££ that's up to him but he'll need to find the money himself or split it with their mum now?

They absolutely did not "become hers".

If I tried to treat my DSC as if they were my children I'd rightfully get an earful from everyone. It's only when it boils down to the money that step parents are expected to treat the kids like they are their own. If I rocked up to parents evening I'd be rightfully asked what the fuck I was doing by the ex.

I do agree she shouldn't be spending hundred of pounds of her own money on someone else's children

@cookiesbeforepookies, I just don't get the 'they aren't her kids' thing. If she didn't want to take on responsibility of them as a parent, they wouldn't have married. Fair enough, they are a blended family, but I do see her equally as part of the coparent relationship. I think she should be valued as an equal parent, and her value them as equal to her own children 🤷🏻‍♀️

Again, just my opinion.

That isn't how a lot of "blended" families work

I appreciate this may be the ideal but I think it only works if the parents do actually value you equally as a parent to their DC which I imagine a lot won't.

She's never described any negative effect on the SC, only that she disagrees with the level of spend and the fact that DH and the ex aren't willing to share. Nowhere has she said that the SC are bratty, ungrateful or grabby. OP hasn't been negative at all about the SC and has actually hinted that they get on well with no issues.

OP also said in the post that I replied to - where you took this comment from - that she doesn't view the word spoilt as being particularly negative - hence my response explaining why so many had viewed it as negative. Quoting half the post without showing the history of what I was replying to really doesn't reflect the full context. Maddening indeed.

My stepson brings his laptop between homes. He's not traumatised by it.

OP you're being completely reasonable. Step parent hating coming out loud and clear on this thread.

This is perfectly sensible and totally fair.

The only (potential) issue is that if your DH has an expectation that you’ll actually contribute more like hundreds per DSC rather than £50 per child, then it is slightly late to have reset the goalposts, but better to discuss it now anyway. Things change, budgets get squeezed and the older your joint child gets the more it will matter to have a fair system.

I don't think it's Ideal. The dsc have no need for me to be a third parent. They will be overparented if I tried. They need their own parents who are both equal and step up to all their parenting needs.

@ExhaustedFlamingo OP has said many times that they have high expectations of gifts without having any appreciation of whether their parents can afford it. It is not unreasonable to think that that constitutes being spoilt, even if it is down to never being educated on the value of money.

I guess it’s all about context and no two families are the same. I definitely used to have the idealistic view that if you marry someone with children, you treat them as your own, but mumsnet has really opened my eyes on this point.
personally I think however people want to organise blending is fine, but what disgusts me so much, on step parenting threads on this forum, is the way that children’s experiences, needs, feelings get cast aside in the name of step parents standing firm on their “boundaries”. I think if you marry someone with children, you commit to recognising that their (the children’s) welfare comes first- Whether that involves taking a parental role or not . All children deserve that. If you are not prepared to take that stance, you shouldn’t involve yourself in a family with children.

@PopInn

So for example, our 3yos presents come to roughly £100 I'd say. £50 from me, £50 from DH.

I've also then contributed £50 toward DSC too so that's equal is it not?

Then as you say, DH is free to spend whatever extra on top he wants to and I am free to do the same for our DC?

Sorry, I missed this before and assume it was a question for me?

If you're agreed a budget of £100 per child and contribute half each, I think it's fair 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'd make it clear to DH that I think the amount he's gifting is excessive, so if he wants to go beyond the budget for any of his children, he can do so out of his own pocket. Just like you can, if you see something extra for any of the kids.

Why should op pay the same for her stepkids as her own child? I agree DH should be contributing equally to his children but absolutely no reason for OP to

Wow! You're right, this sight can be crazy.... some people on here can be downright awful. Name calling and abuse is not ok. Can you not be an adult and just agree to disagree without personally attacking?

Yes it was thanks for responsding

I guess I just think if we then get to go on and spend whatever additional on whichever DC we want then that's not exactly equal either at which point I can't see much difference to what I'm suggesting I guess.

Pp's saying you should treat sdc equally as a sm.
How many men contribute equally to their sc?
Most men don't even treat their own dc with new wife equal to their first dc.

It's always the women who have to give all the time.
OP your dc is also your dh's dc and do not let him skip out of contributing properly to his 3rd dc.
His dc by his ex are not yours so you're not under any obligation although a contribution would be the right thing with sdc you are presumably close to.
I think the sc are old enough to tell their dp's what they would like for Christmas to avoid duplication.

There was no name calling or abuse. I was just calling out bullshit.

Hahahahaha. My DSC mother would throw an absolute shitfit if anyone suggested I was an equal parent to her. And rightly so. DSC have two parents and don't need or want a third.

Over a grand each on presents is absolutely crazy. However it probably should be pointed out that you don't really know how much their Mum spends...could be sales etc

HOWEVER personally I think treating children from the same family unit differently is crap. I could never treat my own child differently to their siblings especially if I lived with them half the time etc. I wouldn't particularly not share finances with my DH either tho soo....

How many men contribute equally to their sc?

My dad and my step mom have always treated us all equally regardless of whose child we were.

I think that probably skews my view somewhat because they're bloody wonderful.

I think the difference, for me at least, is that it's be an agreed budget for all the children. DH wouldn't just be spending £X on DSC and then asking you to put your hand in your pocket. You'd have a set amount that you budget for and if he them wants to be involved in the competition for better presents with his ex, you're not in a position where you're asked to be involved in that too as you already contributed your 'fair' share.

@HandbagsnGladrags @harriethoyle whilst I take your point about the mothers’ feelings, and it’s obviously complex, you do understand that parents don’t “own” their children right? Children are people, not possessions, and no one, not even their own parents, gets to dictate what relationships they have with others. That’s toxic.

In my opinion when you got with an married your DH you knew he had 2 children so the decision you made regarding the children’s gifts right from the start should stay that way whether you have your own dc together or not.

A friend of mine has been with her partner roughly the same amount you have with your DH and he is the step parent to her DD, from the very start he sets an amount he is willing to spend and gets either 1 big item or a few smaller ones and they label them from him so his DSC knows that the gifts are from him.

I don’t feel you should be included in the “from us pile” if you are not contributing half. I get that gifts get expensive having a DD myself roughly this age but your DC is also going to get to this age and want this stuff which obviously your DH will be contributing half to, he then is technically paying for 3 DC and you are not. In my eyes you married him with the children they should be treat exactly as your own DC is.

I agree with you to an extent that “portable” items shouldn’t be duplicated maybe a discussion with the children (if he can’t with their mother) to ask what they would like that they haven’t already asked their DM for and if they are asking for the same thing they need a good reason as to why is can’t just be took from one house to another.

*rainbowstardrops
I don't think you are being unreasonable but I do think you need to discuss this now and not leave it until you're closer to Christmas.

I think you both need to determine your budget and then split that three ways. Surely that's the only fair way?

Why should op pay the same for her stepkids as her own child? I agree DH should be contributing equally to his children but absolutely no reason for OP to*

Because they are a blended family and there are three children within that. Surely the budget would come out of the joint account as the presents are just put together and are from the dad, step-mum and half sibling?

It would be like buying the food shop when the SC are going to be there but only paying for everything apart from the SCs food because the dad should pay for it as they're his children. Seems odd to me.