To not contribute?

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To DSCs main gifts this year?

Pre teen DSCs, been with DH 6 years, married for 4 and now have joint DC too who is 3 just after Christmas.

We do not share finances, I've never wanted to for a variety of reasons, including DSC. He's always been fine with this so we split bills from a joint account and then have what's left in separate accounts.

In the past I have always contributed toward DSCs presents by way of just going and purchasing some myself, this has become less and less as the years have gone on as their tastes are getting more and more expensive to the point now where their main gifts can be hundreds upon hundreds of pounds. Their parents refuse to share any gifts so I'd say they easily get over £1k each spent on them across the two households.

Basically I just don't want to be involved in this anymore, especially now we have our joint child too who's beginning for the first time to begin to understand Christmas and presents (and therefore is getting a bit more spent on them than previous years although absolutely no where near DSCs amount which I appreciate is down to the age gap).

I have spent £25 each on them so far and I'm not planning on spending anything else now. I don't want to spend hundreds of pounds toward their gifts. Imo they are quite spoilt which is of course up to their parents but I don't want to fund it anymore especially with our child needing accounting for and their birthday so soon after. DH leaves it to the last minute a lot so imagine the requests for contribution won't come until at least a couple of weeks.

AIBU to say if he wants to spend £££ that's up to him but he'll need to find the money himself or split it with their mum now?

Or maybe she has realised they are not her kids so she doesn’t need to contribute.

Nothing to own.

I get this with certain things like games consoles of course.

They just don't speak or plan anything. We've ended up getting the the exact same thing some years and it just feels a bit rubbish. They come from mum's having just received X to then be completely underwhelmed at opening X again at our house which we've just spent hundreds on! Even if they just discussed it it would be better so we could avoid that when we can.

Probably different for us too as we literally live round the corner from them so never had much issues with leaving things at the other house etc..

Just because I disagree with you doesn’t mean you’ve struck a nerve 🤣
I just… disagree!
If you want to spend less on your stepchildren and think it’s fine to rejig the budget because the get loads anyway - fine.
But it’s just silly to accuse your husband of refusing to do joint presents with his ex, when refusing is emotive language and anyway not the norm. And silly to to call them insane for doing duplicated items. You don’t expect your stepchildren to bring an overnight bag with a toothbrush - so where do you draw the line? For many households, that includes tech.
So just make your decision without criticising your husband’s perfectly valid choices.

I’m round the corner from exh too. I don’t think o could coordinate very well with him as he doesn’t plan!

Jeez those parents need to sort themselves out and start communicating.

As I keep saying, that is your opinion, mine is that a lot of things don't need duplicating and it's silly and a waste of money to do so. That wasn't my AIBU so we can agree to disagree on that front.

My AIBU was about no longer contributing, my reasons being the ones explained in my OP.

If you believe I should continue contributing hundreds towards DSC that's fine, I accept I asked for an opinion on that but I do stand by my opinion that a lot of things, such as laptops or whatever, don't need duplicating.

so where do you draw the line?

When said items are luxuries that cost your parents hundreds of pounds, is where I personally draw the line. I don't see why a child needs a mum's house gaming laptop and a dad's house gaming laptop. That is my opinion. If you don't share it that's fine.

I think it’s a red herring what their mum is spending and whether gifts are split etc.

What you need to do is to have a discussion about the Christmas present budget for the kids (plural).

What are DH’s plans for his 2 DC? I suggest X, Y and Z for your 3 year old. That will cost £X. I’ve already bought DSC a couple of things about £25 each - shall I give you another £50 towards their presents, DH?

Be matter of fact about it so you can start the discussion.

Thanks. I'll bring it up with DH tonight.

Basically - decide how much you ARE willing to contribute to their presents, and offer that. Don’t “not contribute” at all though.

Just buy them some normal presents like chocolate, books, games etc. Thats what I buy for my kids. Their dad occasionally gets them something expensive like a computer. In my experience, it ruins Christmas for kids when they have too much.

To be fair, I have already contributed £50. I'll probably offer another £25 each at most now.

I can see the issue as the years are going on tbh. It's more of a struggle each year to get things that match the expensiveness of the previous years presents. Like it's been a precedent now of spending £££ so it needs to continue no matter what.

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all OP! Some pps have some perverse reasoning - not sure why. Complete waste of money in your situation (as due to not being discussed!) & fine for you to not contribute..just give your DP the heads up.

Yes, I get that. I just think be explicit about it - potentially linking it to how much you intend to dorms on your joint DC.

DH, I’ve budgeted £50 each for DSC and £75 for DC. I’ve spent £25 each on X & Y so shall I transfer you the other £50?

How are are his children? Are they at an age where they understand now your little one is getting older that more needs to be spent on them now. I’ve a 17 year old and it’s all tech and gadgets he used to getting but now he’s understand as his little brother and sister are now older 5 and 4 that more is now being spent on them, so he will have less ££ spent on him.

How old I meant

reversed.

“My mum and Dad are divorced, they don’t tend to agree on much but I’m fortunate to have a good relationship with my Dad and his wife, my step mum. They’ve been together for a while now so we see her regularly and I thought we had a good relationship, but since my Step sibling (now 3yo) arrived she seems to be less interested/engaged, I actually think she maybe doesn’t like us very much, maybe thinks we’re a bit spoilt as our parents try to buy our affection…

Anyway, this Christmas she stopped even pretending to make an effort. Our gifts, which are usually signed from both of them, were specifically just from my Dad this year. I feel like we’re being edged out, like we’re not welcome almost. Am I being unreasonable to think she just doesn’t like us anymore, or maybe never did?”

Im not saying that you necessarily feel hostile towards them, but at the very least you have to be mindful that a change in your behaviour towards them will be noticed and it will be felt. If you’re ok with that then go for it, but it would suggest you maybe don’t really care for them as some posters have suggested

I think a majority of parents would share things so they only have one laptop or phone.

YANBU. Tell him tonight and if he’s reasonable he’ll say of course he gets it.

When a couple who are still together add a third child budgets often need to be reviewed, that’s normal anyway. And this year of all years a lot of families are cutting luxury spending to the bone. All of ours, my steps and my DC are getting less than last year. We’ll put the heating on all day as a treat and they’ll be grateful for what they get.

Don’t contribute if you don’t want to. Your choice. But don’t use the reason that after all this time you’ve suddenly come to the conclusion that they’re spoilt and get too much. It’s very clearly down to the fact that you now have your own dc and want to direct your money there instead. IME when step mother has her own child, it changes the whole dynamic of being a step parent, often to the detriment of DSC.

Its pretty insane... Ipads by their very nature are designed to be portible, its not a bloody desk top PC.

When me and DH lived seperately and the kids went between houses they took their tablet with them with ZERO issues because thats litrally what they are designed for.

Also £25 gift is plenty from a step parent, most years I got nothing from my stepmam and Im in no way upset about it, in fact it never crossed my mind that I was suppose to get something from her (and the year I did it was awkward and age inappropriate).

You see this quite often with step parents, act all parenty, then when they get the ring and the baby give it, yeah those kids can do one. I think yo8 shouldn’t pay. But I think you should have been honest earlier that you resent it.

Poor kids, having to deal with such pettiness between the adults in their lives.