To not contribute?

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To DSCs main gifts this year?

Pre teen DSCs, been with DH 6 years, married for 4 and now have joint DC too who is 3 just after Christmas.

We do not share finances, I've never wanted to for a variety of reasons, including DSC. He's always been fine with this so we split bills from a joint account and then have what's left in separate accounts.

In the past I have always contributed toward DSCs presents by way of just going and purchasing some myself, this has become less and less as the years have gone on as their tastes are getting more and more expensive to the point now where their main gifts can be hundreds upon hundreds of pounds. Their parents refuse to share any gifts so I'd say they easily get over £1k each spent on them across the two households.

Basically I just don't want to be involved in this anymore, especially now we have our joint child too who's beginning for the first time to begin to understand Christmas and presents (and therefore is getting a bit more spent on them than previous years although absolutely no where near DSCs amount which I appreciate is down to the age gap).

I have spent £25 each on them so far and I'm not planning on spending anything else now. I don't want to spend hundreds of pounds toward their gifts. Imo they are quite spoilt which is of course up to their parents but I don't want to fund it anymore especially with our child needing accounting for and their birthday so soon after. DH leaves it to the last minute a lot so imagine the requests for contribution won't come until at least a couple of weeks.

AIBU to say if he wants to spend £££ that's up to him but he'll need to find the money himself or split it with their mum now?

I agree with you op and think it’s better for a child to have different items in different houses. Helps mix things up a little

Best tell DH that you’ve put x amount in towards gifts and you’re not planning to put any more in and will leave the coordination to him. You’re tightening your belt.

Because I think they are spoiled. I didn't ask if I was unreasonable for thinking they are spoiled.

Maybe I didn't explain my thoughts as clearly as I should!

I would set an equal budget that you can afford for each child, say £200 for arguments sake (obviously it could me more or less depending on what you're both comfortable with). You could both contribute 50/50 into the pot and anything extra that your DH wants to spend (on any of the children) is down to him to fund. If you don't need the full £200 on toys for your little one, agree to spend the remaining money on a family day out or put it directly into savings account.

That way the DSC don't feel like your prioritising your joint DC over them but you have clear boundaries/budgets of what your willing to contribute.

agree to spend the remaining money on a family day out

Is that not just also spending it on DSC though? I'd rather put it in savings in that situation that way it's actually going to our DC.

You presumably don't have the DSC every weekend? You could organise something just for the 3 of you so it is going directly to joint DC.

Sorry I assumed you meant for everyone, including DSC, when you said family day out.

I buy my DSC something out of my "spending" money and DH is free to buy whatever he wants for them out of his "spending" money

hardly a hardship to take your ipad between. houses. I have teens who take theirs to grandparents, friends, on holiday etc all the time with 0 issues so some posters being abit ridiculous

yes i agree it's spoilt and really bad from an environmental perspective

i think none of your business if they wanna do that though but is your right to say no not funding it

I agree with you, OP. And you are not U to not enter into the madness of the competitively spending parents.

This is what I did every year but also gave him money towards their main expensive gifts. This year I've still bought them something from my spending money, I just don't want to pay anymore towards their main presents.

*I would set an equal budget that you can afford for each child, say £200 for arguments sake (obviously it could me more or less depending on what you're both comfortable with). You could both contribute 50/50 into the pot and anything extra that your DH wants to spend (on any of the children) is down to him to fund. If you don't need the full £200 on toys for your little one, agree to spend the remaining money on a family day out or put it directly into savings account.

That way the DSC don't feel like your prioritising your joint DC over them but you have clear boundaries/budgets of what your willing to contribute.*

But if she knows he is going to spend a load of money above her contribution on things she doesn't approve of then she is just spending money for the sake of it.

Plus, when a couple with SC doesn't have shared finances it's perfectly normal for the SP to "prioritise their joint DC". If she's not getting any say on how much is being spent on the SC and how they are being brought up as a result, then she is not an equal parent to them and does not need to keep up a pretence that she is when it comes to finances.

Absolutely fair enough. Who is questioning it? Yourself? Then stop. Your DH? Then he's a right CF.

If you previously spent hundreds and now are only spending £50 then yeah, I think you are unreasonable.

You're expecting to fill the gap where you used to contribute plus also pay half towards a joint child, while you pay loads less than you used to for the SC and only half towards your own child. It feels like you want him to be financially much worse off than you. I know you don't share finances but that still feels wrong to me.

They don't. It's presumably because the parents aren't able to amicably decide that the tablet can go between houses.

Yes.

They need to understand that if they pool their money and both pay for one tablet then they are spending half the amount and the child gets a nice joint present from their parents with the added bonus both parents have more money to spend on them generally

He should be "worse off" though if he's spending that much on gifts OP gets no say in. Why should she subsidise this. He's taken the mick for long enough, he should have insisted OP had already been generous enough. This is OP's money and she might want to save it for her own child or her own care home fees.

I think the issue is describing your SC as "spoilt". It's a very emotive word, and whether you want to admit to it or not, it has strongly negative connotations.

The dictionary definition of spoilt is "harming the character of someone by being too indulgent".

It's an unpleasant description. Some parents like to treat their DC, and I think in the cases of divorce the reasons for this are complex and manifold. It's perfectly possible to provide your child with lots of material items without them becoming "spoilt".

And the use of that word is why it's coming across to some that you're not too keen on you SC, and are disinterested esp now you have a child of your own.

My DP is stepdad to my DC and I'd be really hurt if he said he didn't want to contribute. I know you've wavered slightly on this now, but just overall, I would find your attitude to buying them presents a bit cold. A new iPad or games console can be £300-£400+ - one each of those from each parent and that's a good chunk of the spend gone! Teenagers ARE expensive, even without parents who are trying to outdo each other. I used to love buying my DC gifts when they were young, buying toys for little ones is so much more fun! And by comparison, so much cheaper too!!

I'm not trying to pile on, honestly. I just think that you can and should be part of the overall spending on your SC, and it's something you should talk and agree with DH. I don't actually think the SC and your DC need the same spending on them because there's such a massive age difference and your DC can enjoy lots of toys for a fraction of the price of a single iPad! When your child is a bit older, the spending on SC will reduce I'd imagine when they're 17, 18 etc? And then your DC will have the financial benefit of more money available to spend on them, whether that's savings you set aside, more presents or just a more expensive lifestyle. So I think in the long term it would even out financially.

You're expecting to fill the gap where you used to contribute plus also pay half towards a joint child, while you pay loads less than you used to for the SC and only half towards your own child. It feels like you want him to be financially much worse off than you. I know you don't share finances but that still feels wrong to me.

I don't understand this at all. She's not wanting him to be financially worse of at all - she's wanting him to spend less on them too and he's choosing to.

And surely the fact that they don't share finances is hugely relevant. It's only "wrong" if you take for granted that she should be paying equally towards her DSC as their parents do.

This doesn't make any sense.

It's ok to spend a small amount on them (actually, I think £25 is stingy from a stepparent but that's by the by), but it's not ok to sound judgy about their own parents' choices.

@aSofaNearYou, look, I'm not saying there's a right or wrong way to organise things. I simply said, "I personally feel like this is an acceptable compromise." 🙄🙄

It's perfectly fine for OP to think the kids are spoiled. It's not ok for her to say anything about it to DH. But it's fine for her to think it.

That way the DSC don't feel like your prioritising your joint DC over them but she is and that's ok.

Can I not disagree with anything their parents do?

Well you are quite clearly saying you don't think it is acceptable for OP to spend more on her own child, for starters.

@chikp, we'll then let's agree to disagree 👍🏻