To not contribute?

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To DSCs main gifts this year?

Pre teen DSCs, been with DH 6 years, married for 4 and now have joint DC too who is 3 just after Christmas.

We do not share finances, I've never wanted to for a variety of reasons, including DSC. He's always been fine with this so we split bills from a joint account and then have what's left in separate accounts.

In the past I have always contributed toward DSCs presents by way of just going and purchasing some myself, this has become less and less as the years have gone on as their tastes are getting more and more expensive to the point now where their main gifts can be hundreds upon hundreds of pounds. Their parents refuse to share any gifts so I'd say they easily get over £1k each spent on them across the two households.

Basically I just don't want to be involved in this anymore, especially now we have our joint child too who's beginning for the first time to begin to understand Christmas and presents (and therefore is getting a bit more spent on them than previous years although absolutely no where near DSCs amount which I appreciate is down to the age gap).

I have spent £25 each on them so far and I'm not planning on spending anything else now. I don't want to spend hundreds of pounds toward their gifts. Imo they are quite spoilt which is of course up to their parents but I don't want to fund it anymore especially with our child needing accounting for and their birthday so soon after. DH leaves it to the last minute a lot so imagine the requests for contribution won't come until at least a couple of weeks.

AIBU to say if he wants to spend £££ that's up to him but he'll need to find the money himself or split it with their mum now?

I think I’ve said all I need to say x

I think I’ve said all I need to say

Of course you have.

Me and DP have 6 kids between us and the kids all have different amounts spent on them at Xmas. Everything our kids get is from both of us on gifts and cards. Its always worked for us doing it this way.

My eldest only receives from us so he’s gets a bit more spent on him that I usually cover the extra cost. DP two oldest get from both us and their mum. I’ve always contributed and took the kids request and done the shopping etc. Our 3 youngest probably get the least spent on them but looks the most due to their ages 5,4 and 2. DP over the years has pulled together with their mum if they’ve wanted something really expensive. His oldest two have always understood as they have younger siblings from their mums side also. She spends a little more on them simply because they only receive from her.

Our oldest 3 now are all practically adults working etc so they understand now they will get less as the younger ones get older.

We’ve done xmas like this for 15 years and it’s worked for us. Collectively the kids have always got what they’ve wanted at Xmas birthday so that’s our main thing.

I prefer to call it straight talking but hey ho. If you can't take a bit of that then maybe you should stay off this forum - it's well known for people not mincing their words.

I think the way you describe a SP is spot on and child focused which is as it should be.

I haven't minced my words, but I'm pleased to say that I've said my opinions politely. I cannot say the same for you. Your bullshit comment and whatever the other thing was just wasn't polite. Period.

If you cannot show be respectful with your opinions, maybe you should stay off of the internet 🤷🏻‍♀️That being said, I know you won't so maybe just think about your working and how it comes across?

**wording

Oh I do love to be patronised on the internet @B1993. And on that note, I'm out.

🙄

I think the 🤷‍♀️ emoji isn't exactly friendly either

What's the monkey emoji for

It’s a lot more friendly than swearing at someone

True

I'd just buy them a present from me, probably spend £20 each if I was spending £50 on my own child, like I would a niece or nephew. Your child has two parents and your DSC have two parents to buy for them.

Not sharing between households is their parents' decision and therefore cost to bear. Things like clothes, bikes, games consoles they would need in both houses, but I think it's crazy to double up on portable tech like tablets or laptops. Each to their own I guess.

Do you want to use come words to explain what you mean?

Part of me feels like there is no point, but you’ve baited me. That particular poster is all over mumsnet threads about step parenting - where children are upset about various things (feeling left out, second best, unloved etc) - telling SMs that they don’t have to take their DSCs children’s feelings into account; that they are not their parent, it’s not their responsibility etc. that the children have to learn to get over it. there’s nothing child centred about her approach. She maintains an ideological insistence that what is most important , in deciding how to act in any given context, is an adult (specifically her own) interpretation of what is a “parenting role” and what isn’t , and not the feelings/ needs of the individual child in question. Even in her post just now she acknowledges that some children might be upset by having a step parent in their life who takes an approach like hers, but dismisses that concern by stating it’s the fault of their parent for not remaining single.

She told me to stay of this forum and, as someone else has pointed out, has swore at me. I’m going to remain being polite, but no, will not stretch to being friendly to someone like that. If the emoji is the worse that I’ve done, I feel like I can hold my head high… I just don’t feel like others on here can do the same.

I feel like some of these posts have been targeted, belittling, disrespectful and rude. Why aren’t you taking issue with any of those? It’s starting to feel at bit personal here… again, that’s also not very friendly so please don’t judge me if you yourself don’t want to be judged.

Yanbu
I'm an ex-wife and parent of teens and think that you can buy a good gift for £25 so that's fine.

Well I’ve never seen her post before and I agree that parents should put their children’s emotional needs first not their need for a partner.

Of course they should! But that doesn’t absolve the new partner of all responsibility. if you join a family with children, you should commit to a principle that the children’s needs come first. All children deserve that, regardless of their family structure.
Also it’s worth noting that Ultimately a parent can’t control their partner’s actions. although of course they should be cautious/ choose wisely; they may not be able to predict how their partner will behave. That doesn’t absolve them or all responsibility either of course .

That particular poster is all over mumsnet threads about step parenting - where children are upset about various things (feeling left out, second best, unloved etc) - telling SMs that they don’t have to take their DSCs children’s feelings into account; that they are not their parent, it’s not their responsibility etc. that the children have to learn to get over it.

No I am not. I could summarise your views I don't agree with from as biased a perspective as this if I wanted to but I would sound ridiculous. I have never actually argued that a SC being upset about those things needs to get over it - it's very rare that people even mention children actually being upset in this way, it's usually just people speculating that every little thing a SP does that is not exactly like a parent (or indeed more eternally positive) will make them feel that way. What I'm usually arguing against are the expectations of the parents, not the kids.

there’s nothing child centred about her approach. She maintains an ideological insistence that what is most important , in deciding how to act in any given context, is an adult (specifically her own) interpretation of what is a “parenting role” and what isn’t , and not the feelings/ needs of the individual child in question. Even in her post just now she acknowledges that some children might be upset by having a step parent in their life who takes an approach like hers, but dismisses that concern by stating it’s the fault of their parent for not remaining single.

But yes, if by "take their feelings into account" you mean you must act like your SC is your own DC in every way or you are a monster then I confess I don't agree. If the step parent is consistently kind to the SC but the SC is bothered by them being around in a different role to the role their parents have in their life, then yes I do think the parent is the one who should have abstained from being in the relationship.

Nobody has ever given a convincing reason on here why a non parent getting into a relationship should be expected to automatically pretend to be a parent, rather than the parent avoid getting into a relationship with a non parent if they don't want someone in their kids life who is not their parent and acts accordingly. I think parents should take more responsibility for their kids happiness rather than rail at their partner's for not submitting to a pretence so they can pretend they didn't get into a relationship that is different from two equal parents.

Fair enough I was just saying the emojis done seem exactly polite. I see some posts have been removed becuase they were rude though so these might be the ones you were talking about? I'm sorry people have been rude to you if so.

🕊 peace and love

If you weren’t aware of past comments, that’s fair enough. But, yes, there has been some extremely nasty comments posted. I have said before than I’m not here to argue but at the same time don’t take kindly to to people being so disrespectful and do feel it necessary to stand up for myself.

Yes, only good vibes 😎

I think it would be pretty easy to spend £1k. A new phone, laptop or gaming set up would take up most of it (and could need replaced every 3 years), and then some brand name clothes, trainers, make up etc would make up the rest
I agree it’s a lot of money, but there’s a lot of people who are able to do it

I don't know anyone in real life who would indulge their child like this. All that stuff for one christmas?