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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want DH to work away

217 replies

Dibble135 · 23/11/2022 18:05

When we married he didn’t and if he had, our relationship would not have gotten that far. I know people have partners who work away a lot but it’s just not for me.

Over the last year uk based one or two nights away have started to creep in as the job has changed. I was promised this was temporary and would not get worse.

Now he has to go abroad for a week next year and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am trying to be positive, use the time to see friends and do activities etc but I always come back to the same feeling that it’s just not what I want.

He knows how I feel and has said if it comes to it he will resign but I don’t feel like I can ask that as it will only be for me.

Perhaps he would be better off finding someone else who would not be bothered by this.

What do I do?

OP posts:
StarlingC · 23/11/2022 18:08

Make the most of it op!

At first I hated DH working away, it's usually between 2-5 days a month in Europe.

Now I love it. I have a bath, order a filthy kebab, and watch a trashy film.

I miss him after 3 nights but you get used to seeing it. Start planning your evenings doing exactly what you want!

Jyn · 23/11/2022 18:09

You learn to embrace it I think.

DH is the same, it's crept in and he's away for a week again next week. You buy your favourite foods, you gather all the crap movies and TV he doesn't like, you put your PJ's on at 4pm and have long evening baths with a good book.

I got to the point where I enjoy the quiet. I miss him dreadfully, but the me time is nice once you get into the mindset of it.

PuttingDownRoots · 23/11/2022 18:09

What is it you don't like?

mdh2020 · 23/11/2022 18:10

It sounds as if his job is developing and he is doing well. Why are you so dependent on him? Join a class, go to a gym class, enjoy the time on your own. We never know when job circumstances will change. I took a new job and found myself going away almost every month. DH was just pleased for me. Similarly, earlier in our marriage he changed jobs and had to go away occasionally. I always got good presents! My father was in the war for over 6 years and away for most of that time. Their marriage survived.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 23/11/2022 18:13

Can you say what exactly it is that you don’t like about home working away?

Do you feel the same if he goes away socially, to visit friends or relatives? Is there an element of not trusting him? Do you feel very lonely without him? Do you have a lot of very young children or children with extra needs so going solo is more difficult?

I think without the extra information it is easy to say that you are being unreasonable.

Do you ever go away without him? How would you feel his he tried to stop you doing this?

PurpleButterflyWings · 23/11/2022 18:14

Do you have children @Dibble135 ?

Ringmaster27 · 23/11/2022 18:15

The big question here is WHY?
What is it about him working away for short periods that you don’t like?
My exH is military. I knew going into it that working away for periods ranging from a couple of days all the way up to 6 months at a time was part and parcel of it. Sometimes it was awful - like when he deployed to Iraq for 6 months when DC1 was 17 months old and DC2 was a whopping 16 days old 🤯 I thought I’d die from the stress…but you just find your way and get on with it. It got to the point where the first week would be awful - both myself and the Dcs would be totally bereft. Then after that get into our own routine…and I quite enjoyed having the bed to myself, total control of the tv remote and not smelling man farts for a while 🤷🏻‍♀️😂 Then the week before he was due home would be carnage because the kids would be excited, I’d be flipping out over the house looking perfect and having all his favourite foods in the fridge etc.
Is it the time alone? Or a deeper trust issue at play?

monsteronahill · 23/11/2022 18:15

I've learnt to love it - when we first were together it was a night every couple of months so nothing, now it can be up to 3 nights a week! I have me time, long baths, eat what I want for teas at whatever time I want, read, go for walks, see friends and family and just veg out with tv I like and he doesn't. It's the sort of thing that I think if you put some effort in can actually be good, I'm always eager for him to come home, we get to catch up after being apart and it's nice to feel that rush of excitement when I see him again! I've said if we have DC I'd like reduced travelling for a few months which he totally agrees with, but that hasn't happened yet.

devildeepbluesea · 23/11/2022 18:15

I thought you were going to say he’d have to work away for months on end! And you’re worrying about a week next year.

I think you need to develop your own networks and not be so reliant on him. As my late, wise mum used to say, “It’s so important to have your own life. After all whatever happens, one of you will be alone one day”.

Oysterbabe · 23/11/2022 18:15

I've always enjoyed time to myself so it wouldn't bother me at all.
Would you really end your marriage over this?!

GetOffTheRoof · 23/11/2022 18:16

It depends - is he leaving you home alone with umpteen kids and animals, or children with extra needs etc or is it that you must don't like being in the house on your own?

DH is in the military so it's different for us, and I'm already planning what I'll do if he is on tour next year as we think he'll be 😂. I also go away for 2 nights per month with my own job, which is much less than my last role where I was away for 2wks a month for training in the first year.

Embrace being on your tod if you can is my advice.

Original poster
Dibble135 · 23/11/2022 18:17

PuttingDownRoots · 23/11/2022 18:09

What is it you don't like?

I wish I could put my finger on it but it’s so hard to explain. It’s just a deep feeling of it’s just not what I want.

Someone asked why I’m so dependent on him and the truth is I’m really not.

I drive, earn well and was single and lived alone very happily before we met.

It sounds mad but I would have chosen to stay like that over this.

Its not logical but it’s how I feel

OP posts:
MontyK · 23/11/2022 18:17

Mine works away quite a bit. When our child was little it was very hard. Now I really quite enjoy it!

He messages me saying - oh I miss you etc and I'm thinking er, I don't miss you Grin

Beanbagtrap · 23/11/2022 18:18

I think if you're thinking of jacking in the marriage for a few days away then it's probably not the right relationship.

I'd say make the most of it, stock up the TV shows he hates but you love (I have bridgerton and Greys time), eat food he hates etc.

TidyDancer · 23/11/2022 18:20

I think (as others have said) you do need to give a bit more info regarding why this is such a sticking point for you. There aren't many things that would be insurmountable I wouldn't think. Especially given the amount of time you have to prepare for it and the fact that it's such a short amount of time.

Byelaws · 23/11/2022 18:21

Bloody hell - one week in 2023?! Blimey. YABU

bobtheveryoldBuilder · 23/11/2022 18:21

I am with you OP. Would have been a deal breaker for me and if this is slowly getting worse then needs to be nipped in the bud if you don’t like it.

and he needs a new job without travel before having kids !

everyone is different. No need to suffer if you don’t want to. Why should you ?

Ringmaster27 · 23/11/2022 18:21

@MontyK i got like that too 🙈😂
I remember once, he was in Afghanistan on the run up to Christmas, managed to get a few mins for a quick Skype call. I was sat on the sofa, watching telly, munching quality streets without a care in the world…not really wallowing in how much I missed him. And during the call the alarm started blaring, he hit the deck with his laptop as I started hearing the “bangs” of rocket propelled grenades, and telling me how much he missed me and wished he was with me scoffing chocolate 🥺 That’s when the guilt set in about how “ok” I was without him

TidyDancer · 23/11/2022 18:21

Do you feel you can't trust him OP? I'm wondering if this is (possibly deep down) what the issue is.

RyanReno · 23/11/2022 18:22

But it's only 1 week, and the odd weekend. My friends husband works away 3 weeks away, 3 weeks home, 3 weeks away, 3 weeks home. Now that I couldn't cope with. But an occasional weekend and 1 week in a year seems crazy to want to walk away from a relationship for! You Do sound very dependent on him sorry OP x

Parker231 · 23/11/2022 18:23

I’ve worked away regularly throughout our marriage (now been married 26 years with DT’s). DH also has had courses to attend each year. I’m off to Singapore next week and working away included when DT’s were little. It’s a part of my job, don’t like it but everyone gets on with it and enjoys the flight back home.

LooksBetterWithAFaceMask · 23/11/2022 18:24

To me it depends on what working away means. Dh has to go away with his job it can be anything from a few nights to a week at a time but it is every few months and there can be massive gaps in between. I miss him when he’s away. I certainly don’t rely on him and I have learnt to enjoy it and do things with the kids, have long baths watch crap movies.
But on the flip side we have both agreed that neither of us would take or want to take a job that meant long periods of time away from home ie. The bulk of the job working away. It’s not what we want, we know people that it works for and that are happy with it but it’s not what either of us want our marriage to look like so on some level I do get that bit.

But there are so many jobs now wither do involve some sort of travel whether it be courses or other offices so I think you have to get used to it. If the time away starts creeping up and up I do get you evaluating whether it is what you want your marriage to look like but I think that’s a cross that bridge when it comes to it thing.

GetOffTheRoof · 23/11/2022 18:24

Dibble135 · 23/11/2022 18:17

I wish I could put my finger on it but it’s so hard to explain. It’s just a deep feeling of it’s just not what I want.

Someone asked why I’m so dependent on him and the truth is I’m really not.

I drive, earn well and was single and lived alone very happily before we met.

It sounds mad but I would have chosen to stay like that over this.

Its not logical but it’s how I feel

Show quote history

It's a weird position to be in touch if you "can't put your finger on it".

Do neither of you spend time away from each other otherwise?

Chamomileteaplease · 23/11/2022 18:24

I think it would be worth really trying to understand where this feeling comes from.

Because you are married and you are thinking of ending your relationship because he is going away for a week next year? It's really not a normal reaction.

And surely it would be better for him to change his job than his wife? All sounds very strange to me.

GiltEdges · 23/11/2022 18:24

Realistically, if you would sooner break up your marriage and be away from you DH permanently than for the odd couple of days/week here and there, then your feelings for him can’t be that deep. Let him go.