Don’t want DH to work away

[Dibble135]

When we married he didn’t and if he had, our relationship would not have gotten that far. I know people have partners who work away a lot but it’s just not for me.

Over the last year uk based one or two nights away have started to creep in as the job has changed. I was promised this was temporary and would not get worse.

Now he has to go abroad for a week next year and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am trying to be positive, use the time to see friends and do activities etc but I always come back to the same feeling that it’s just not what I want.

He knows how I feel and has said if it comes to it he will resign but I don’t feel like I can ask that as it will only be for me.

Perhaps he would be better off finding someone else who would not be bothered by this.

What do I do?

I agree with the second part 100% but still think if you don’t like it then that’s enough.

If it’s not a trust issue I think you just have to suck it up.

People get a notion about things, but once he is actually occasionally away you will almost certainly wonder what you were worried about. It will probably make you more confident.

No one gets everything they want in life, and you would be mad to through a relationship away over this.

THROW a a good relationship away..

Once we had children my DH agreed not to work in a job that took him away from home, despite those jobs having more earning power. My father worked away a lot and my mother had to so much extra as he wasn’t around. I didn’t want to do it on my own and I felt stuck in the house on an evening. Popping out was hard work. I know many people do this and I could have, but I wouldn’t choose it.

Before children and once the DC’s were grown I loved the time on my own.

You sound very self obsessed and all me me me. What about what he wants? Just get your big girl pants on. Sometimes things happen that we don't like and you put up with it for the greater good. It's not all about you, just suck it up. It's one week!

You just get used to it. My dh (of 28 years) works away Monday, Thursday (most weeks) and every 5th weekend. Our dc are all grown up so I have fun - invite friends round on the weekend, have early nights through the week, let the dog sleep on the bed!

I quite like the space, but am always pleased to see him coming home!

You say you're not sure why, but deep down there will be a reason.

Thing is, none of them are really 'justified' (I say this knowing that you can be unhappy about anything, for any reason, that's your prerogative - but the very occasional few nights a year working away is so deeply within the realms of normal for lots of people in lots of jobs and no strain on family life, etc etc, that this is really a you problem)

I can 100% see someone not wanting to be a rig wife/military wife by choice, with long times away. But the occasional business trip is completely normal and so specific that I feel you need to do a bit of digging about this.

Even if he had e.g. cheated in the past and the issue was deep down one of trust - then you trust him or you don't, the nights away are a symbol of a bigger issue. If it's not liking to be by yourself, you need to address that because it's unhealthy. If it's ... I can't think of another reason, idk, jealousy that you're not travelling away, then... you need to address that because it's unhealthy.

Basically - you feel how you feel, but unless you want to get divorced which I assume you don't, your options are learn to be okay with it (which I strongly suspect is what you need) OR you ask him to quit his job. And as this is AIBU - in my opinion you would be hugely, hugely unreasonable to ask him to quit a job he likes because he can't participate fully in it because you 'just don't' like it.

I think this has hit the nail on the head. That it’s the thin end of the wedge and is going to get worse to the point where he is away a lot.

His boss has just been relocated abroad and I can see that coming down the line.

I agree with those who say a few days here and there is fine and that’s where it started but it’s not where it is staying.

Also, that you're even considering he should find someone else because you can't handle him working away... it sounds like there's a lot more to this under the surface. I'd think about that a lot before I said anything else to him, if I were you.

What's so big that a normal, everyday part of people's jobs - once or twice a year, at that - is making you think your relationship should be over?

It’s not once or twice a year now. It’s every month plus the week abroad next year and I’m expecting there will be more.

At what point do I say enough?

@Dibble135

Doesn't sound like you even like him that much to be honest. The fact you're wishing you were single, and if you'd known he was going to travel a bit/stay away from home you would not have progressed with the relationship, suggests you really CBA with him. As several others have said, it sounds like your feelings for him don't run very deep.

You never answered the question as to whether you have children, but I am guessing you haven't. In that case, you need to walk away IMO. Let him be with someone who thinks a bit more of him than you.

That doesn’t make any sense. Surely if I didn’t like him I would want him to go away more, not less?

I think people are right this is about me but I’m going to need help to unpack my feelings around this.

DH is away tonight, can't wait to get into bed and star fish!! DS and I have had a crappy frozen pizza tea and I'm now chilling on the sofa with the dog

My previous relationship was with someone in the forces and they could be away for months at a time. I missed them but I did adapt and got used to it. When they were away for a couple days or a week, it seemed like a drop in the ocean compared to deployment. That aspect od our relationship was fine as it was our status quo and it seemed to work well for me as I had previously been single for many years and I welcomed my independence and not having to compromise as much or as often.

Fast forward and that relationship ended (he cheated and I do think the distance played a big part in that but it's not necessarily relevant to your post). I've been in another relationship for years now and he occasionally has to travel. Again, it's fine but I'm not as relaxed about it as before. Not just because of the cheating thing (I do trust this partner as much as I trust anyone), its just not ideal for me anymore. If I was to enter into a different relationship in the future, someone based at home full time would be a non-negotiable for me. I don't want a part time relationship. I don't want to adjust into a different routine when they return and occasionally feel resentment when plans change last minute or annoyed when my own normal routine feels interrupted by their presence (not always but sometimes!)

I just want to build a life with someone, complete with the day-to-day humdrum and I don't think that's much to ask, actually. You're allowed to not like it, OP. You're allowed to express that. Think less of "maybe he should find someone else who wouldn't be bothered" and more "maybe I should find someone who can give me what I want in a relationship without it being a sacrifice for them".

If you are willing to end the marriage over him sometimes working away then you never truly loved him in the first place.

Well this is something he will need to talk to his boss about where its going.

But similar jobs might have similar issues.

Different strokes etc. My DH routinely worked away 3 days a week for many years and it worked for us. Similarly he often now goes off for 3 week stretches.

But that clearly isn't going to work for you. So if you don't want that then tell him now but don't let him sacrifice his career for you. i suspect if you do all the unpicking you will find that maybe there is something fundamentally wrong in your relationship hence you not being willing to compromise on this.

You definitely need to figure out what it is that bothers you.

One or two days every couple of months is one thing, every week is vastly different.

Planning a family with a man who is regularly away and saying ok, not for me is very reasonable.

Occasionally travelling is one thing, regularly is very different.

For two years my husband was travelling a huge amount and it was awful.

I didn't work outside the home, am super organised and it was still full on with young school going children and younger.

I have had friends who have done it while also working FT, and it was relentless.

Would I knowingly sign up for that as a long term situation? Absolutely not.

My husband didn't enjoy it so was delighted when the project finished.

Could you be regretful of your marriage and this is a useful niggle you are using?

You sound quite clingy. Are you worried that he may cheat or have fun away from you?

I’d just make the most of it. It’s healthy to spend time apart and develop your own interests and life. You never know what’s round the corner.

Most senior jobs or high paid jobs do involve some travel. I don’t know your DH’s role but by asking him not to travel, you may be asking him to stay at a junior level / at lower pay than he could earn. Rhst is a big ask and has implications for your whole family, including your children’s future opportunities.

I’d have a very careful think before demanding changes.

I think you have a right to say it’s enough when you have children.

You do need to get a sense of perspective though. It doesn’t sound like he’s away that much at the moment, and worrying about it increasing in the future is just going to make you unhappy in the here and now. You can’t expect things to always stay the same as when you married. When you got married you agreed to go through all the inevitable changes and ups and downs of life together, you didn’t vow to stay exactly the same as you were in life that day.

Don’t lots of jobs include travel?

One week and a couple of nights isn’t much.

Is there any way some of this work away time can be 'traded' for an extended period at home / on vacation? For example, I usually have a three-week foreign trip every year with my work. It's my most lucrative three weeks of the year, and it brings in enough money to ensure that I don't actually need to do much at all in June and July (my job is fairly seasonal). I could use that time to go chasing a few more quid elsewhere, or I can use it to slow down and spend time with the family. Most years, it's the latter, which works well for us at the start of the summer.

Alternatively, and this is something else we've done, would you be able to join some of these trips? Or if he's away Tues-Fri, could he extend the stay over the weekend and you go join him for a mini-break? I appreciate this depends where he's going: my family were delighted to accompany me for a long weekend in Barcelona in late November, but had no interest in joining me in Kazakhstan in the middle of February for some reason ...

Having said all that, I'm a freelancer, so I have greater flexibility to pick and choose my jobs. I realise this may not work for you.

It’s the little things isn’t it?

buckets of cauli cheese here because DH dislikes it. Last time he was away I watched all of the fifty shades movies back to back. So crap but wonderful to just do something different.

I think you need to dig deep and work out what it is that bothers you.

You don't need to answer here but :
Is it him having more fun without you? Having an affair? You being left with the drudge work? You jealous you don't get these chances? Him visiting cool places you wanted to see with him? Not liking your own company? Is he different when he comes home??