Don’t want DH to work away

[Dibble135]

When we married he didn’t and if he had, our relationship would not have gotten that far. I know people have partners who work away a lot but it’s just not for me.

Over the last year uk based one or two nights away have started to creep in as the job has changed. I was promised this was temporary and would not get worse.

Now he has to go abroad for a week next year and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am trying to be positive, use the time to see friends and do activities etc but I always come back to the same feeling that it’s just not what I want.

He knows how I feel and has said if it comes to it he will resign but I don’t feel like I can ask that as it will only be for me.

Perhaps he would be better off finding someone else who would not be bothered by this.

What do I do?

I love it when my husband works away.

Yes the hard part is being the only person responsible for the kids and pets but the peace and the bed space makes it all worth it.

I do think your being unreasonable as even though it’s increasing it sounds like it’s still only once a month plus the week next year which doesn’t sound excessive at all.

but obviously it’s what you’re happy with, it sounds like you’re both quite independent at times with your social life which is obviously good so I’m not sure why the working away is an issue but I’m not you. Is it the fear of it becoming more rather than the situation as it is now?

If he resigns OP, would that have any impact on his long term career?

Does he love his job? In a perfect world, would he continue with this employer and a few nights away each month?

In other words, how do your feelings impact him?

Working away is a non-negotiable for me. I've been very clear on that from day one and DH agreed it isn't how he'd like to conduct family life. His last job was not initially work away, but it crept in- 3 times abroad in one year and 2 time to other UK cities. He asked if it was likely to continue and they said it was. So he found a new job and quit. I didn't sign up to parent alone. And yes, he does go away without me and the.kids for leisure (as do I) but I definitely view that differently.

The fear of it being more is exactly it

I would hate this as well, but I have BPD and don’t cope well away from my husband. So my perspective may not be that useful. That said he has had a couple of trips abroad without me this year for social reasons and I just made sure I’d kept super busy but that may be harder to do if he is away too often.

Can you try to figure out your limit and let DH know that. My DH works away but it’s very sporadic, nothing for a few months then 3 times in a month. He goes away with friends for long weekends 2-3 times a year too. I don’t do any of this as my friends don’t do weekends away. DH knows the weekends are only because they’re spread through the year. The working away my limit would be twice a month as otherwise it impacts on my job as we have a dog who can’t be left more than 4 hours. He thankfully puts his foot down with work if they ask too much. He also does a few evenings out a month too for work but isn’t home too late.

Just try to tell him your limit so he can stick to that and not be surprised when you say your unhappy with it.

This is where I am and perhaps the solution?

Thanks. I thought we had got there with the one or two nights per month. Then this week abroad landed and I’m wobbling because I just don’t think it will stop there.

DH is not thrilled but is the go with the flow type.

I on the other hand put my foot down with my work as going away regularly is not for me.

"The fear of it being more is exactly it". Then you've got an irrational fear. There's no substance to it. The fear is irrational. At least admit it.

Or sit down and tell DH how are you feel, what you fear and let him alleviate your fears, or him tell you he too suspects. And then discuss and deal with the job in hand.

Dh does lots of MH training. Pointless to worry about things outside of your control. See your GP.

I mean not thrilled with going away as opposed to not thrilled with my feelings on it.

It’s not irrational when based on evidence.

Firstly it was a night here and there and temporary.

Then permanent.

Then once a month. Then twice a month.

Now twice a month plus a week abroad next year.

Why would it end there?

You mentioned earlier that you could propose a compromise. What sort of compromise do you think would work?

I think a limit on how many nights or frequency or something but not sure if that would work as obviously DH doesn’t dictate what he’s asked to do. He’s not choosing to go.

Which is when I come back to finding another job but as people have said there are no guarantees.

DH is away a lot (as in a week every few weeks, sometimes closer together). Prior to kids I loved it, I loved having the house to myself and having what I wanted for dinner and playing video games and seeing friends. And then when he was home we’d make the most of it! Now we have a baby I do get slightly resentful as it’s hard but I know he’s away lots because his career is going well and it’s worth it financially.

stuff like this can be a big adjustment but I wouldn’t rush into any hasty decisions. Just try to make the most of the time he is away

Whilst I’ll be accused of drip feeding I should add we are not desperate for cash. I earn really well and we have no debts so there is no pressure that way to stay in this job instead of getting another.

Which is another reason I question the need to tolerate this?

That is a huge escalation and if it's not what you want after 10 years of marriage you have every right to state it.

Certainly better than sucking it up and feeling like you life is a bit in limbo waiting for him to return.

If he is of the mind it is what it is and I'm doing what I want well that would be another reason to rethink your marriage.

It may work really well for some, you have to work out what works for you. The constant coming and going is unsettling, I definitely remember that.

I also remember a pressure that everyhad to be perfect family time when we were together.
Exhausting.

Then once a month. Then twice a month.
Now twice a month plus a week abroad next year.

I didn't see that. I asked OP to confirm how often, which she refused to do.

My DH informed me last week that he will be away 5am Tuesday to 8pm Friday every week indefinitely from next year. We have nursery and primary aged DC, I'm hopping mad and wondering how I'm only finding out now that he thinks so little of his family. It's going to be a problem. YANBU.

You sound very controlling. And it doesn't make sense. You'd rather him be gone forever from your life than him work away a few times a year for a couple of days?

That's insanity.

I’m so sorry. What are you going to do?

I think you really need to work out why you are feeling this way, as until you do no one can give you proper advice or help you overcome it.

Are you worried he’s going to find someone new?
Are you co-dependent?
Are you jealous that his job is more exciting?
Are you worried he’ll die on the plane?
Have you had negative experiences of a parent working away?

I’m really struggling to understand why you feel the way you do.

I would understand if you had DCs and you were left holding the fort but you don’t and you are both individuals who should be able to go wherever they want, without needing the other persons permission.

I find it odd that you would rather separate and never see him again, rather than stay together and see him occasionally.

If you landed your perfect job opportunity which allowed you to travel, would you not take it because you wouldn’t want to spend too much time without your DH?

The way I see it is if your relationship is good and strong then you will be together many years - so there’s no need to spend almost every day together.

I don't know. It doesn't seem that he pushed back with his work at all, and I feel that even if I start issuing ultimatums and he doesn't go, the fact that he was planning to, without any discussion, says a lot. I'm happy with the odd work trip but this affects all our lives, routines, my job, dog etc.

@shinyblackdog that sounds incredibly difficult and like you’ve not been taken into account at all. I’m sorry you’ve been put in that situation.

@Dibble135 if you are now at your limit the time is for him to be looking elsewhere. DH has moved companies quite often and is just quite assertive that he won’t travel unnecessarily. If he can do the meeting virtually that’s what will happen because he has commitments here. In truth he does have commitments here but I have accommodated his increased travel and increased office working with reducing my hours and can do no more. We have the dog and 2 children. It doesn’t sound like you’re being controlling, you just want certain things from your marriage and that’s ok. For me family mealtimes and kids bedtime were always the priority. We all have to sit down as a family to eat at least 5 nights a week, and we both have to be home at bedtimes the same Amount thankfully DH agreed this is important.

When my son was 9 months old my husbands company began a really big job in Richmond London - we're in South Yorkshire. He returned home every other weekend and I hated it. Not because I struggled with being alone, or I needed help with our son but just because I missed him and I felt like we'd got to pack 2 weeks of 'life' into 2 days every fortnight. He did that for 18 months and it was horrible.

Now, I'd say he works away or on nights 4 or 5 times a month and it's fine. I look forward to a bit of 1-1 time with DS!

What I find interesting (probably not the right word!) is that as much as I hated it I would never have thought 'oh he could go and be with someone who doesn't mind it and I could be with someone who didn't work away' because irrespective of his the toll of his being away I would never ever consider being with someone else or even have crossed my mind because I love him and we managed!

I can see why you don't like it I really do but if everything else is perfectly good then this might just be one of those things you need to consider sucking up!