Don’t want DH to work away

[Dibble135]

When we married he didn’t and if he had, our relationship would not have gotten that far. I know people have partners who work away a lot but it’s just not for me.

Over the last year uk based one or two nights away have started to creep in as the job has changed. I was promised this was temporary and would not get worse.

Now he has to go abroad for a week next year and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am trying to be positive, use the time to see friends and do activities etc but I always come back to the same feeling that it’s just not what I want.

He knows how I feel and has said if it comes to it he will resign but I don’t feel like I can ask that as it will only be for me.

Perhaps he would be better off finding someone else who would not be bothered by this.

What do I do?

Imagine if a man said he didn’t want his wife to work away for a week next year. If he told her he might divorce her if she did. Beyond controlling, or what..

How long have you been Married to him op? Have you told him that you don't want him to work away?

No, she doesn't.

She can have whatever dealbreakers she wants in her marriage.

RTFT.

It's not just "a week next year".

I don't really understand this. It's his job. If he is happy with it and likes his job, what is the point of getting your knickers in a twist about a couple of nights away a month maybe turning into more? Why not worry about that IF and when it happens? Because it might not, and worrying today about things which might not happen tomorrow is pointless and a waste of everyone's energy.

My DW has to travel for work. It's a couple of nights every 2 months, with a week away 2 or 3 times a year. I wouldn't like it if it was more but I certainly wouldn't tell her to give up a job she loves because of it.

Are you worried he'll be unfaithful? If not, then what is the reason you're so uncomfortable with him travelling a bit for work?

So can her dh.

When my husband started his new job, we knew it would he would be away 4 nights a month. I hated it at first and invited friends to stay over so I wouldn't be alone.

Now, it's not too bad! In fact, it seems strange when he doesn't go away!

How often? Exactly? You keep changing how often it is. A week next year? One week out of 52. Is Nothing. You say there has been a bit recently. Exactly how much? I can't believe you are complaining. You sound absolutely unhinged and clingy. I go abroad with the girls for 4 days. Think nothing of it. Dh went with the football dads. I think what you are saying is chronic anxiety and you need to consider why as other posters have asked you, and then book to see your GP.

Op is suspecting, she doesn’t know.

Now he has to go abroad for a week next year and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.

This is what we are doing.

I think people are right this is about me but I’m going to need help to unpack my feelings around this.

Are you op, @thelobsterquadrille

I can't see your POV. My husband has only had one work trip away but has worked nights multiple times. Sure I miss him, but I really enjoy the alone time! I watch something on tv he doesn't like and spend quality one on one time with our son. We also facetime so he can see us too. I'd never try to prevent or control his work schedule.

I would hate it if my dh “worked away” too. But I also don’t consider a night or two per month and one week abroad as “working away”. That to me is just a normal amount of travel.
lit sounds like you fear an uncertain future with too much travel but haven’t really quantified what “too much” would be. I’m not sure what it would be for me either tbh but I think you need to work it out and discuss with your dh.

Is there anything in your childhood @Dibble135 which might be influencing how you’re feeling?
For eg: if mum was facedown in the Pinot the moment Dad left the house or your father left on a ‘work trip’ and you didn’t see him for five years?

A week? Seriously sorry thats a bit weird if it's that much of an issue.

You still haven't explained why this is such a big deal. People have asked if you don't trust him or don't like being alone but you haven't answered. Until it's clear WHY you're so worried about it then it's hard to understand and advise.
It sounds very much like this is all down to your anxiety and insecurity and therefore it seems very unfair that he's talking about resigning and you're thinking of divorcing him!
Why would you want to hold him back career wise because you're insecure? I can completely understand someone leaving a relationship if their partner was away for weeks and months at a time. However, it sounds like your DH will be away for a few days out of 365 days per year. Do you really want to leave the man you love over that? Leaving him doesn't solve your problem! You will still have the same anxieties. You will take these anxieties to your next relationship. You might meet someone who doesn't travel then 2 years down the line they start travelling.
The issue isn't your DH going away for a few days - it's you and your fears. Until you get to the bottom of why you feel like this you won't resolve the issue.

Perhaps he would be better off finding someone else who would not be bothered by this.

Honestly if one week working away next year makes you reconsider your marriage then it’s in a pretty rocky place to begin with.
I thought you were going to say he was actually working AWAY long term based on your title. So far it’s actually the occasional night it two and one week next year with months notice!

I doubt op will be back, but how old are you and your dh op?

I think you just need to get used to it. DH is away most weeks and from next year will be every week for 3 nights. We have young DCs so it means I can't go out in the evenings, but the positive is that I get to watch all the tv programs that DH hates!

I used to travel for work pre DC and DH travels extensively for work - he's currently in US. It's just part of the jobs we have/had.

You do get used to it. I enjoy my own company, I save up all the TV I like for his trips away, pick up a good book to read, do some crafting and get some posh ready meals in so I don't have to panic about cooking something for me. I prefer being the one at home than the one travelling - I found it to be really samey after a while and challenging to balance work with down time.

I agree. Time to move OP and let your husband find someone who is more worthy of him.

If you really think that you were happier single then you need to end the marriage.

I thought you were going to say he works elsewhere Monday to Thursday every week with your thread title! I was going to say that would not be for me either. But wanting to stop the odd night away and week next year is not reasonable, it is required in many jobs and you would be hurting his career.

I’m reading this from a hotel room in Sibiu Romania while away for work whilst I have left DH home alone with the 3 DC (18, 15, 12)

I used to b3 away for about a week a month, although that was sometimes one trip, sometimes more, and usually in the UK. This is my first foreign trip in about 8 years, and my first overnight this year.

i enjoy the peace if DH or I are away.

DH worked away for 3 years - flew out every Monday or sometimes Sunday night, back on Thursdays or Fridays, or sometimes longer trips. The longest (and hardest) was nearly 2 weeks over Easter.

Perhaps we were lucky in that trust wasn't an issue.They were some of the best times of my life. Unlimited freedom during the week (other than work) and overall a good lifestyle - although it was often very hard in terms of loneliness for me, and tiring for DH. We had both had enough by the time his job became more UK based. He rarely travels these days and is WFH.

That said, there are times now when I wish he would go away for a week

I have not said that

10 years. I’ve told him the situation makes me unhappy and if it becomes more often I don’t think I could live with it.

This is not news as I’ve always said I couldn’t do a relationship that involved prolonged working away. He used to say the same…

One or two nights a month isn't "prolonged working away".
Its regular, not prolonged.

Must say I am baffled that this would be a reason for divorce in an otherwise happy trusting relationship.