Don’t want DH to work away

[Dibble135]

When we married he didn’t and if he had, our relationship would not have gotten that far. I know people have partners who work away a lot but it’s just not for me.

Over the last year uk based one or two nights away have started to creep in as the job has changed. I was promised this was temporary and would not get worse.

Now he has to go abroad for a week next year and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am trying to be positive, use the time to see friends and do activities etc but I always come back to the same feeling that it’s just not what I want.

He knows how I feel and has said if it comes to it he will resign but I don’t feel like I can ask that as it will only be for me.

Perhaps he would be better off finding someone else who would not be bothered by this.

What do I do?

There's no issue with being unhappy when a spouse's job develops into something that wasn't expected.

The usual reaction is to talk about it and work out what the problem is and where the limits should be (as it appears OP has now done).

Jumping immediately to 'we need to split up' would to me be a huge issue, and a reflection of that person's idea of marriage as a temporary thing when all is going well, rather than a life-long commitment.

You definitely need to discuss this. What other people think doesn’t matter, you don’t like the situation so you need to discuss it with him.

I’m sure you can both reach a compromise, it may take time if he decides get another job so you’ll have to be prepared to wait.

My DH has made far more drastic decisions that I’ve reluctantly agreed to, tbh, such as taking a job in a different city that I really didn’t want to move to! But it was financially logically so I agreed and it worked out longterm. Compromise is vital to successful LTR’s.

I think OP's feeling that they must split up if her husband works away more than a few days a year is really indicative of her anxiety (more than her views on marriage). It seems like this is such a scary thought for her that she'd rather remove herself from the situation - (split up) than have to face it. She's said repeatedly that her main fear is he'll have to go away more in the future - she's already in a state of fear that he MIGHT go away more.
The key question is why? And OP still hasn't answered this. I wonder if she doesn't trust him or she really can't handke being alone. Until OP gets to the bottom of her fears then I don't see how they can move on.

I see my DH roughly every 8 weeks at the moment as he is working on a big project in the Middle East. Has been this way for two years. No spouses can live there atm as he works in construction, but that should change in the next year. We video chat everyday and we have made the effort to do some amazing things when we are together. The benefits are he earns an amazing wage which will allow us both to retire early. I regularly travel to see his which has improved my confidence no end and have got to see a bit of the world. I make sure I keep busy and still work FT in the UK. You do slip into both roles once you get a routine going.

@DJSteves Yes, sometimes financial logic takes precedent over personal preference! That was also the case when DH and I moved to our present location. I loved where we’d previously lived, but this opportunity was too good to turn down from a financial perspective.

So we’ve made the best of it…although I want to move eventually.

@Cameleongirl I don't want to do it forever, but it has certainly provided us with opportunities and experiences that we would never have done. With the economy as bad as it is here. I've told him to not rush back!

I think OP is being really intelligent here. It isn’t easy for me to see the concern with DH being away for one week, but that doesn’t invalidate the concern, much less the bigger one of further escalation. I think some PPs are hung up on this point.

Much better to be thinking ahead about where your boundaries are, and how to find a mutually satisfactory solution.

Thanks for understanding.

I think a lot of pp are reading things into the situation which aren’t there. Like saying I would stop him socialising without me, we must be tied at the hip, I’m a grown up so why can’t I manage on my own.

None of that is the case.

This is so reassuring thank you!

Removing myself from the situation has struck a chord, you may be onto something there…

"I think a lot of pp are reading things into the situation which aren’t there. Like saying I would stop him socialising without me, we must be tied at the hip, I’m a grown up so why can’t I manage on my own."

I imagine people have raised that because although you mentioned he went away to socialise for his stag you've been married 10 years so that's quite some time ago.

I think you mentioned your parents always came home - I imagine you might use their relationship as a template and perhaps any alteration to that will trigger unspecified fears.

Anyway that's not a criticism. Couples all operate differently.

I think reviewing why you'd leap to separation rather than work through your boundaries is a good idea. I wonder if you struggle with what you perceive to be confrontational (rather than what it is - a joint & open discussion)

You are clearly a close & loving couple, I'm sure you can find a way through this.

Thanks that is helpful.

The stag was just a quick to mind example. There have been many others for him and me since then both work and social.

What I don’t want is the work stuff to become for longer periods and routine and that applies to my job as well. The difference is I’ve been able to push back more than is seemingly possible for DH which is not his fault.

Unfortunately it’s coming off as controlling but how else do you express a boundary or limit without being accused of that?

I haven’t threatened to leave or issued any ultimatum but I raised it here in a safe space as a worst case scenario to gauge views and seek advice.

@Dibble135 I wouldn’t like this at all. My dad took a job when we were teenagers that involved him working Monday to Friday 200+ miles away. It was shit. We only saw him at the weekend, and then he was tired so all he wanted to do was play on the computer and not interact much. He grew apart from my mum, probably had an affair, and they split up.

I’ve always said to my husband that the point for me of being a family is being together. It was the loss of intimacy I think that contributed to their marriage breakup, as well as the stress and strain of parenting all falling on my mum - and we as teens just missed him when he was working away, just missed being with him. What really stung for me was when they split up, he stayed in his work away location. So first off work was more important than being with us as kids, and then second his new life in new location was more important than being with us. It hurt.

I can travel for work, DH can too, but it’s not near the regularity of that the op’s DH has. Maybe her reluctance is almost - if that’s going to happen it’s better to rip off the bandaid than sit through the slow death of the relationship? I do think in your case though he seems like he’s on the same page. So I wouldn’t be overly worried.

@Dibble135 I get your perspective and as much as I didn't want DH to go overseas I would never ever stop him. Aside from the financial benefit he has become an expert in a niche field. Finally using the qualifications he is trained in. When he left to go to a fully locked down country in March 21 I found it hard. But I'd never have told him not to go. I feel it's strengthened our marriage and I am far more confident about myself. Knowing I can tackle most things on my own. I'd originally agreed to be a partnership when I got married and we still are, just a little unconventionally.

I used to work in a role where a lot of my colleagues were weekly commuters. They would travel in on a Monday and leave on a Thursday afternoon. Week in, week out. Sometimes they would be travelling to other sites where the rota was fortnightly so staying away for two weeks at a time.

There were benefits. They all stayed in hotels and flew on airlines which gave loyalty points. This meant they all enjoyed holidays free of charge.

There were downsides. They did end up with a very hard drinking culture. One colleague described it as like being on a continuous rugby tour. Almost all transferred to other roles after a couple of years. Many citing relationship problems.

"Unfortunately it’s coming off as controlling but how else do you express a boundary or limit without being accused of that?"

I have boundaries but I think it's fair to be willing to explore & articulate why that boundary is important (particularly when it's quite subjective). I think it's makes it easier for the other person to oblige when they understand the reasoning.

Whilst you are working this through there will be a period of uncertainty which what I suspect you are struggling with the most. But it's important to have worked through your reason's because otherwise it may seem like you are issuing instructions IYSWIM.

Anyway you are obviously giving it lots of thought and want to have that discussion so a good workable compromise will be found.

Embrace it! My DH used to work away before we had kids and as much as I hated it when it was full on (theatre touring so sometimes 4-6 weeks back to back, just home Sundays) when he stopped I missed the odd week to myself!

I agree with others, your reaction to a week away is extreme!