Page 3 | Don’t want DH to work away

Dibble135 · 2022-11-23T18:05:02+00:00

When we married he didn’t and if he had, our relationship would not have gotten that far. I know people have partners who work away a lot but it’s just not for me. Over the last year uk based one or two nights away have started to creep in as the job has changed. I was promised this was temporary and would not get worse. Now he has to go abroad for a week next year and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am trying to be positive, use the time to see friends and do activities etc but I always come back to the same feeling that it’s just not what I want. He knows how I feel and has said if it comes to it he will resign but I don’t feel like I can ask that as it will only be for me. Perhaps he would be better off finding someone else who would not be bothered by this. What do I do?

jackstini · 23/11/2022 18:47

Do you have kids?

I ask as I have to go away probably 6-10 times a year and my DH doesn't really like it, but in a couple of years the kids will be old enough that he can come with me and he's looking forward to that

What do you do when he's away now?

Could it be a bit of 'it's not fair, the goalposts have moved?'
I get it, but that happens. Would you be prepared to lose him over it?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/11/2022 18:50

If I was to enter into a different relationship in the future, someone based at home full time would be a non-negotiable for me. I don't want a part time relationship. I don't want to adjust into a different routine when they return and occasionally feel resentment when plans change last minute or annoyed when my own normal routine feels interrupted by their presence (not always but sometimes!) given that op isn't talking about someone who's away half the week every week, it's hardly part time or needing totally different routines that they get used to that has to keep changing etc.

How do you feel is your DH goes out after work, goes to his mates for the weekend etc?

familyissues12345 · 23/11/2022 18:51

Absolutely @Jyn ! DH used to go away loads pre Covid and it was tough with younger children. Youngest is now a teen and pretty much self sufficient so I feel like I can really enjoy the peace

familyissues12345 · 23/11/2022 18:53

Oh and we're having a Nando's tomorrow as DH doesn't like them

Original poster

Dibble135 · 23/11/2022 18:54

SleepingStandingUp · 23/11/2022 18:50

If I was to enter into a different relationship in the future, someone based at home full time would be a non-negotiable for me. I don't want a part time relationship. I don't want to adjust into a different routine when they return and occasionally feel resentment when plans change last minute or annoyed when my own normal routine feels interrupted by their presence (not always but sometimes!) given that op isn't talking about someone who's away half the week every week, it's hardly part time or needing totally different routines that they get used to that has to keep changing etc.

How do you feel is your DH goes out after work, goes to his mates for the weekend etc?

No issues with that. We both go out and see friends separately. He went abroad for his stag and that didn’t bother me either.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dibble135 · 23/11/2022 18:55

jackstini · 23/11/2022 18:47

Do you have kids?

I ask as I have to go away probably 6-10 times a year and my DH doesn't really like it, but in a couple of years the kids will be old enough that he can come with me and he's looking forward to that

What do you do when he's away now?

Could it be a bit of 'it's not fair, the goalposts have moved?'
I get it, but that happens. Would you be prepared to lose him over it?

I usually go out for dinner with friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dibble135 · 23/11/2022 18:56

Apologies a few people have asked, we don’t have kids. There are health issues there so it may not happen for us.

OP posts:

RewildingAmbridge · 23/11/2022 18:56

I used to travel at 1-3 Monday to Friday seems a month, some months one others three, in between I was given a lot of flexibility and downtime re: work. I loved it. I think DH missed be at times but he'd call and occasionally he'd join me wherever I was on the Friday and we'd have a weekend away. Realistically when you're both working it's only a few hours in the evening of cooking, clearing up, maybe a bit of TV you're missing. Get a hobby, read a book, eat exclusively mushrooms (DH hates them) , see friends, paint your nails or the house. I renovated some furniture on my at home weeks when DH was working. Most importantly enjoy the time he's there, go out , have fun together. I really liked it, we'd been together about 8/9 years and it was like dating again. You can always text/call in the evening when you have time

RewildingAmbridge · 23/11/2022 18:57

1-3 Monday to Friday weeks a month

Hbh17 · 23/11/2022 18:59

You don't get married to spend 100% of your time together. When I was first married, my husband was a junior doctor and in those days it was one night in two resident on call - so although he was in the same city, I didn't see him. I did get fed up occasionally but, actually, I think it was the making of us as it taught both of us to be independent. Now we occasionally have separate holidays or trips away with friends, and it's never questioned. You can be happily married AND support him with his career - why wouldn't you want to do that?

SallyWD · 23/11/2022 19:00

What's the problem with him working away? You haven't explained it. Is it that you don't like being alone or that you feel he'll be unfaithful? I don't understand.
I don't mean to sound harsh but you're a grown adult and you're worrying about one week without your husband next year? My DH had 3 weeks away in September alone.
Like many others have said I really enjoy when DH goes away. I embrace the time to myself, time to please only myself. My DH goes away a lot but doesn't have any more travel planned until February now. I actually feel quite deflated about this!
I've always needed space. I couldn't bear to be joined at the hip with DH 24/7, 52 weeks a year. You seem to want this. Why?

Twizbe · 23/11/2022 19:03

You need to figure out why this is an issue for you.

Did your parents work away a lot? Did you have to relocate for their work? Are you scared this will become a relocation for you?

I used to work away a lot - 2 nights a week every week. It was hard on us for sure. That was for about 6 months and I think I probably would have tried to avoid away projects after that if I'd stayed long term in the job.

Really though, you can't ask or expect him to resign if you can't verbalise what it is you don't like.

Josofine · 23/11/2022 19:03

You really do need to get a grip and analyse why you feel this way, because this is your problem to own and not his. It’s very odd and controlling.

My dh used to work in Australia and was gone 2-3 weeks each time many times every year. We trust each other. All he asked was that I didn’t watch certain tv-series, so we could watch them together when he came home. Been together nearly 30 years now.

laddersandsnakes12 · 23/11/2022 19:05

I'm really finding it difficult wrapping my head around the idea that you have such a great relationship with your husband that you don't want to be apart from him a few days at a time for work, but that then if he does start going away for a week here and there you are consider ending the relationship, so then you will never see him. Make it make sense!

Sorry, not being blasé but if this is the way you feel about the relationship and potential work travel, you need to sit down with him and talk it through. If your relationship is all good aside from the increasing amount of work travel then you should be able to work out what to do by talking to him and working out why this is such a sticking point for you. If you are seriously considering ending this relationship over this then I feel that there must be other issues in your marriage that are contributing to you feeling that way.

HeddaGarbled · 23/11/2022 19:06

Is it a realistic concern that his job is changing so that the periods away become more frequent? Or is that just you speculating?

If so, he doesn’t need to resign straight away, he could look around for new opportunities that would give him as much if not greater career satisfaction.

AriettyHomily · 23/11/2022 19:07

My idea of heaven but not what you signed up for and you are entitled to feel that way. Question is, what do you do about it?

Josofine · 23/11/2022 19:07

This is what I did too, let the dog and cat sleep on the bed! 😬😂

Original poster

Dibble135 · 23/11/2022 19:08

laddersandsnakes12 · 23/11/2022 19:05

I'm really finding it difficult wrapping my head around the idea that you have such a great relationship with your husband that you don't want to be apart from him a few days at a time for work, but that then if he does start going away for a week here and there you are consider ending the relationship, so then you will never see him. Make it make sense!

Sorry, not being blasé but if this is the way you feel about the relationship and potential work travel, you need to sit down with him and talk it through. If your relationship is all good aside from the increasing amount of work travel then you should be able to work out what to do by talking to him and working out why this is such a sticking point for you. If you are seriously considering ending this relationship over this then I feel that there must be other issues in your marriage that are contributing to you feeling that way.

It’s a week here or there now, but I don’t trust it will stay that way. It’s already escalated beyond what it was supposed to be.

If we separated he can meet someone like so many of the posters on here who wouldn’t mind.

And I could meet someone who doesn't work away.

As I said I know it doesn’t make sense hence I’m here asking for help.

OP posts:

purplethings · 23/11/2022 19:08

Im sure DH working away has kept us together over 25 years !

thelobsterquadrille · 23/11/2022 19:08

I get it OP. I wouldn't want a marriage where my husband worked away from home either - it's just not what I signed up for and not what I want from a long-term partnership.

We spend plenty of time apart and we both go out individually with friends/family and that's no issue, but that's very different to working away for several days/weeks at a time in the long-term.

balalake · 23/11/2022 19:09

Is he put upon by his manager in any way, because someone else will not make the trip abroad?

Original poster

Dibble135 · 23/11/2022 19:09

thelobsterquadrille · 23/11/2022 19:08

I get it OP. I wouldn't want a marriage where my husband worked away from home either - it's just not what I signed up for and not what I want from a long-term partnership.

We spend plenty of time apart and we both go out individually with friends/family and that's no issue, but that's very different to working away for several days/weeks at a time in the long-term.

This is exactly it!

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Lcb123 · 23/11/2022 19:10

It doesn’t sound too much - odd night and then 1 week-most people I know do that for their jobs. It’s a bit unfair to begrudge him for this just because he didn’t when you met. I used to travel a lot for work pre covid up to one month at a time, DH enjoyed it! It was nice when I got home. But we’re very independent

HandbagsnGladrags · 23/11/2022 19:11

God I wish mind would go away for a week, I'd bloody love the peace and quiet.

scarletandblack13 · 23/11/2022 19:13

I think you do need to unpick this more about what him working away means to you and what feelings does it provoke? Abandonment, a sense of dismissal from DH, fear of missing out on what you feel a relationship should be? I wonder if your 'love language' (how you feel you are loved) is quality time and by regularly being away it feels your DH is sending a message he does not love you?