Don’t want DH to work away

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When we married he didn’t and if he had, our relationship would not have gotten that far. I know people have partners who work away a lot but it’s just not for me.

Over the last year uk based one or two nights away have started to creep in as the job has changed. I was promised this was temporary and would not get worse.

Now he has to go abroad for a week next year and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am trying to be positive, use the time to see friends and do activities etc but I always come back to the same feeling that it’s just not what I want.

He knows how I feel and has said if it comes to it he will resign but I don’t feel like I can ask that as it will only be for me.

Perhaps he would be better off finding someone else who would not be bothered by this.

What do I do?

Marriage is a partnership. Not an arrangement where one party demands and issues ultimatums of the other. The whole language of "not what I want" about what is in fact your DH's job - not something he may easily leave and just get another where he has the level of goodwill and reputation he's presumably accrued in his current job - is something I find difficult to reconcile to the principle of for better for worse.

If my partner told me that me sticking with a job I liked might spell the end of my marriage, I think the writing would be on the wall. What's next? I don't like you spending time with this friend or that friend? I'm going to leave you if you don't give up your hobby? This is not how respectful and loving relationships work.

I've not seen my husband since august. Not sure when he's coming home. It's the uncertainty I hate.

I don't see how it's funny that he's on tour.

@shinyblackdog that sounds horrendous, particularly as you work.

The lack of consultation is ominous.

I would feel like he is abandoning his family 4 days a week.

That he feels this is acceptable is awful.

Why does he feel he can abandon his children for 4 days a week and just assume you will step up AND work.

I feel really sorry for you.

That is shocking.

If your children are very young, could he be seeing this as a very comfy arrangement for HIM?

He wouldn't be the first man to do this.

Did you read the part where I said I wouldn’t ask him to resign as it would only be for me?

Thanks for your help everyone. I appreciate all of your perspectives, even from those who accuse me of being imbalanced or needy.

Fortunately my DH doesn’t think I’m either of those things. He understands my perspective and agrees the travel is not ideal and is doing what he can to limit it. He tells me more trips have been requested then I knew of and he’s already said no as he doesn’t see the need and a relocation proposed which is out of the question for him as he likes where we live and knows that would make me unhappy.

Whilst he was clear he won’t let his job come between us, as he highlighted there is a recession coming so moving now is not ideal so we need to make it work if we can.

I have therefore promised to make the most of the time away to see friends etc and not worry about what might or might not be in the future.

Sounds like you don't have a problem then!

DH works away every week Monday - Thursday. Sometimes has to leave Sunday night, sometimes comes back Fridays.

We have teen kids. He’s had this job for several years.

Id rather he was here. I get on with it, the kids get on with it. But some weeks it’s really hard- if I’m not well, if the kids are being difficult.

yes there are weeks where I get to watch what I want on tv etc etc. But it can be lonely and hard work.

OP I understand your concerns. It has to be a joint discussion and decision. But do you want to end your marriage over it?

if I had the choice, I would not have a marriage where we live apart more than 50% of the time. But we do. So I make the best of it.

Honestly I think this is horribly controlling behaviour on your part and if I were him I'd be running a mile.
I totally get not wanting to be with a partner who is away for long stretches but threatening to end the relationship because he has a week away next year and a couple of odd days here and there is awful behaviour
. What next, will you have an issue with him socialising with out you just 'because'.
If the sexes were reversed on this post, the poster would be told to run a mile .

You DH sounds like he is supportive.

You sound like your issues are to do with the anticipation of things being worse in the future. I would cross that bridge when you come to it. A couple of days a month isn't really an issue.

I travel a bit for work, not a lot. Probably 3 days every couple of months. If DH told me he was prepared to end our marriage due to that I would be seriously doubting his commitment to our marriage, his love for me and his neediness. I can understand you not wanting to be alone for weeks on end, but what you are mentioning really should be managable for an adult.

I have not threatened anything. I don’t have any issues with odd days away or socialising and have said that. Long stretches is what I want to avoid.

Just a thought about this week abroad next year.

Before kids my DH had to go and cover a maternity leave in Hong Kong for 6 weeks. It was a great opportunity for him so he took it.

At the end of his stint I took some annual leave and flew out to see him. The end of his secondment matched with CNY so after a few days exploring HK by myself, we packed him up and went to Malaysia together for a holiday.

Could you look at doing something similar next year? Tack a holiday onto the end so it's more of a positive experience.

We did it again post kids when he had to go to Dubai for work for a few days. I was on mat leave so flew out with our 10 month old and we had a holiday after.

I feel sorry for you both, this must be so hard. So hard for you to feel so clingy and needy this man can’t leave and so hard for him to have to deal with this and a potential impact on his career. It must be like a jail for him.

I don’t know the solution. But I think it’s your issue and you can’t make it his problem, you should be able to be left for a few days on your own unless there is a signficant drip feed coming that he is your carer?

You can learn to enjoy some time alone but I do understand not wanting your DH gone constantly. I've told my DH there's one job I am not keen on because he would be on call to go away constantly. We'd talk about it if he really wanted to do that job but I didn't marry him to have him away all the time.

Thanks I think this is a good idea.

Thanks for understanding my perspective which you have summed up very well

Where did I say he can’t leave?

It's 1 week! It is different for me as DH is in the Army so we are more used to it. We could potentially not have him home for 6 months next year which is difficult but for one week I would do as others say and embrace it. It will fly by!

It's not worth leaving a presumably good job over one weeks travel every so often. If it was Mon-Fri every week all of a sudden then that would be different.

I think it depends how much travel you are talking about too. My DH is away for a full week about three times a year. Then there are about four trips of 1-3 nights. That's okay.

The job I have said I don't want him to do would be 24/7/365 on call, with the need to travel at a moments notice, and frequently. I didn't sign up for that kind of life.

I'd let it go for the time being. If the recession bites, non essential travel will be cancelled. Our company has already enforced a travel ban.

There is no right or wrong. People married to military personal accept upfront their other half will be gone a lot that’s fine they went in when it was a thing. Also those who always worked in industry’s where travel here and there was normal.

If you married and been with someone 10 plus year and then suddenly a new job is now going from home every night to one a month away to twice a month away, a week away plus other rejected travel that’s not something the other parent signed up for and they are allowed to not like it.

I wouldn’t marry into the military, oil riggers, trucker, pilots/air staff etc because I wanted a home from work every day kinda family life with children. Sure go out with friends etc but not jetting off every couple of weeks leaving me to pick up al the slack like someone you just share a house with.

Sounds like his job has got more senior, changed- has his income increased. Yabu

Honestly, I think I would leave someone who tried to control what I could do with my career and my free time. I think it would be different if there were children involved - but not so different that I would want dh to change jobs - because the stress of being the primary carer with a partner who is away for extended periods of time can be tough. Emphasis on the extended.

But I work away in a similar capacity to your dh, maybe 2-3 nights away a month (or if not away for the night, I'm literally only home to sleep, out the door by 6am and home at 10pm) and definitely do a couple stints of work travel a year - plus I also take myself off on holiday alone as well every year. Dh works FT too and is home dealing with keeping the household ticking over and dc alive while I'm away.

I love dh, but it would be a big fat no from me if he expected me to change my career to be home all the time. I love what I do and the travel is unavoidable unless we made a significant relocation (and neither of us want to do that). It's actually nice for both of us to have some space. Dh actually gets to watch films and box sets when I'm away. And I enjoy the travel and not having to be home worrying about what to cook for dinner.

So if your DH were to come to you and say he’d become unhappy with your situation, you wouldn’t discuss it?

I think what's so surprising to most people is that you are saying you're willing to throw away a otherwise happy relationship because he will be away a couple of days per month.
I think either a) you're throwing out empty threats to get your way or b) if you as a grown woman really would rather leave your partner rather than spend a couple of nights away from your partner each month should probably go and get some professional help.

The Posters on here who's partners work away for weeks at a time is not comparable situation to your partner