Don’t want DH to work away

[Dibble135]

When we married he didn’t and if he had, our relationship would not have gotten that far. I know people have partners who work away a lot but it’s just not for me.

Over the last year uk based one or two nights away have started to creep in as the job has changed. I was promised this was temporary and would not get worse.

Now he has to go abroad for a week next year and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am trying to be positive, use the time to see friends and do activities etc but I always come back to the same feeling that it’s just not what I want.

He knows how I feel and has said if it comes to it he will resign but I don’t feel like I can ask that as it will only be for me.

Perhaps he would be better off finding someone else who would not be bothered by this.

What do I do?

The question is still why?

I wouldn't want my DH to work away M-F with a flat in the city and me in the country with the kids. That to me is a recipe for divorce. I'll resent his freedom and he won't be involved in family life.

A few work trips now and again is not the same and isnt an issue.

My weekly travel wasn't an issue as it was timebound and temporary. Doing it though showed that I didn't like the interruption to our lives. I wouldn't do it again.

It's fine to not be ok with it, but you need to be able to tell your husband why you're not ok with it.

It all sounds so co dependent and weird!! If he likes his job let him get on with it and enjoy the free time. You sound ridiculously needy.

I don't understand this at all. You have no kids so don't need the help at home. It's not healthy to be so joined at the hip that he can't travel for work occasionally. I can only think it's because you don't trust him.

Me too!

The thing is - you need to be happy. What other people do in their marriages is irrelevant, really.

I've done long-distance relationships before, and relationships where my partner worked away for long periods and it didn't make me happy. If it doesn't make you happy then you're perfectly entitled to speak up and say something.

Working arrangements have to work for both people in a partnership, otherwise it just leads to resentment.

Do you mean one night a month or one week a month or...?

They are very different things.

Or maybe her DH working away just isn't what she wants from her marriage? Why is that a problem?

A few days here and there and a week next year seems like such a small amount of time to be thinking about demanding he quits or leave him over.

You still haven't really defined why apart from it's a feeling - are you worried about what he's going to do? Do you not enjoy being alone?

Tbf I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who's partner travels all the time, I love our time together but I also love having my evenings alone!

I resented mine a bit for constant travel when dc was younger but mainly because it meant I couldn't go for any jobs that also involved travel (common in my line of work) hence I probably missed out on opportunities. I am making up for it now.

I agree with this.
My DH didn’t work away at all when we met. Or when we married 5 Years later.
15 years on his job has evolved and he has been sent abroad 4 times in the last 8 months. We have kids. I have to manage. His job is very important to us as a family.
And I agree that if you would rather live without him completely than go without for a week or two then your feelings are not that deep and he doesn’t matter that much to you.
It’s ok to not love it and to miss him, but to give up on your marriage all together???
Life brings changes. Marriage is a commitment for life. Small boggles like this should not be shaking the foundation of your relationship like this. If the worst your marriage faces is a week or two apart the you are very, very fortunate.

Agree that if you are willing to botch his career because of a vague feeling of "I simply don't want him to do that," it would be kinder to leave the relationship.

Personally I would never interfere with a partner's work life, or make them feel guilty about it.

You might want to see a counselor because I do think you are excessively dependent on his presence.

We went 3 months one year with only one of us at home. It was only temporary but he did come back with great duty free and stuff for the DCs. It was relatively easy when he was away before but I'd struggle to do everything now with DC activities. I'd definitely not get the time to binge watch anything and make use of a quiet house these days.

Well it is a problem, for her husband.

But marriage isn't just about doing what you want career-wise, regardless of the impact it has on anyone else.

Because, given the current circumstances it’s a bit irrational.
This is someone she chose to want to spend the rest of her life with. To work through the good and bad times together. To potentially raise a family with.
He was important enough for all this but apparently not important enough to stick around for when a very, very small bump appears in the road.
1 week away is nothing in grand scheme of a marriage. Even several weeks or even months.

@Dibble135 the thing is Op, you have had a lot of advice on here- you need to talk to your husband, work out why this is such a sticking point for you and find some compromise or middle ground. I don't understand the jump to ending the marriage because of this - you are allowed to feel the way you feel, but you need to talk to your husband and work something out. To throw away a marriage over this one thing doesn't make sense. Have you talked to him about the way you feel and the thoughts you are having?

Maybe she doesn't want to live her life/raise a family with someone who works away, though.

Far better to deal with that issue now (even if it ends in divorce) than years down the line when there are children in the mix.

It’s a week here or there now, but I don’t trust it will stay that way. It’s already escalated beyond what it was supposed to be. If we separated he can meet someone like so many of the posters on here who wouldn’t mind.

You are being extremely dramatic here op. And yes, some of us here have actually met the love of our lives, and we want to stay together. So we understand that working away is not a big deal in the long run.

Perhaps he would be better off finding someone else who would not be bothered by this.

so you’d rather never see him (break up) than only not see him for the duration of these work trips?? Where is the logic??

As others have said, embrace it. I’m often home alone with 3 kids, at least once a quarter. You find your groove and get on with it.

Good grief.
One week, next year.
And you can’t put your finger on why it bothers you
Maybe you can’t out your finger on it because it’s not a bother.

It’s not normal that a week here and there should make that much difference that you prefer a divorce. Op need councelling if this is the case.

Just out of interest OP, when would tie end? For example he changes job at your ultimatum and it his job/career evolves. Are you going to demand he never works more than x hours a day / miles away from home? Are you like this if he wants to go out with friends as well? To put the boot on the other foot, any man doing this to a woman would be seen as coercive

What's with all the 'Well I love it when my DH is away!' posts?? Great for you if you love it, but not everyone does and OP doesn't. Why are you judging her and calling her a wierdo because she wants a marriage where both people are physically present pretty much every day?

OP, you don't have to justify yourself. You know what you want and don't want, and it's your DH (or his boss, indirectly) who has moved the goalposts.

Personally I'd be unhappy with a weekend away every month, and if it started heading towards a week away sometimes too, I'd definitely have a problem. So if you're a wierdo, well I am too.

Maybe you need to talk to your DH about your collective views on your marriage and what you each want it to be. I get what you're saying that you don't want to quit his job for you, but I imagine that it also hurts that he wouldn't just do it voluntarily, based on having the same feelings of wanting to be together, the same vision and priorities. Maybe this is making you feel like you're looking ahead down different paths, heading away from each other rather than pursuing the same future together.

Communication is the only thing that will help, really.

OP I'm wondering if you actually just want a husband (any would do) to be forever by your side on a daily basis - rather than actually being in love with the man you married?

What does your husband want? Marriage is a partnership. I think your reluctance about the travel is indicative of something awry in your relationship.