Don’t want DH to work away

[Dibble135]

When we married he didn’t and if he had, our relationship would not have gotten that far. I know people have partners who work away a lot but it’s just not for me.

Over the last year uk based one or two nights away have started to creep in as the job has changed. I was promised this was temporary and would not get worse.

Now he has to go abroad for a week next year and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am trying to be positive, use the time to see friends and do activities etc but I always come back to the same feeling that it’s just not what I want.

He knows how I feel and has said if it comes to it he will resign but I don’t feel like I can ask that as it will only be for me.

Perhaps he would be better off finding someone else who would not be bothered by this.

What do I do?

The pattern has been increasing. Why let it get to the point of no return before addressing it? Would be fair to say nothing until the last straw? Then I would be criticised for not being honest and seeing if a compromise can be reached.

"Then I would be criticised for not being honest and seeing if a compromise can be reached."

So what is your proposed compromise?

I cannot believe that you are either willing to sabotage his career & give him an ultimatum that he shouldn’t travel or you’ll consider ending your marriage. Let him find someone worthy of him.

Dh used to travel a lot. Once the DCs got older I used to go with him & meet up in the evenings. Try it. Now he’s retired & here all the time.

Why the doubt?

Of course he can. I never said otherwise

And no, I'm not the OP - I just happen to see her point and agree with her.

Why should she have to put up with something she knows won't make her happy?

Neither parent worked away. Both home every night.

I thought you meant work overseas permanently. One week is fine OP, spend the time catching up with friends / enjoying a bit of quiet time etc

My DH started out going away an odd night. Then it was one/two nights a week, then three/four nights a week, then we had to move, or we'd only have seen him weekends.

His job then ended up where he was away four/five weeks at a time, the longest time being two months away. I pointed out endless times that I hadn't signed up for this, (and wouldn't have had four children if I'd known how much time I'd be alone) but at the time there was no alternative apart from a new job, and he was paid very, very well so we enjoyed the money.

It was hard, very, very hard, but we survived. He's now worked away in different jobs for over thirty years, and this last job I've told him that's it, he's not going away anymore. I've no children at home, but I bloody miss him (and he misses me) so if he can't get a local job, he can bloody retire.

I totally get you, but if you've no children, embrace where he's going, and go out to him as much as your job allows you to. If you do have children, I have every sympathy with you, it's shite.

I don’t want to hold him back and agree I need help with my perspective hence I have not taken his offer to resign or stopped him travelling and why I’m here.

Based on some of these replies, perhaps I should get myself sectioned.

You forgot to answer how old you are?

I didn’t say happier. The one or two nights I can live with but as I keep saying, it is getting more as time goes on.

This is what I foresee happening with DH job, and as much as posters are telling me to get over it, I’m sorry it’s not what I want.

"Increasing"?
Please answer my question: exactly how much so far.
"Over the last year uk based one or two nights away".
How many days. Exactly. Please be specific.

I didn’t forget. I chose not to answer as I found the question rude. How old are you?

Have you never been away from your husband?

It's annoying when op gives info on dribs and drabs and doesn't answer questions. You are being daft. It's not all about you.

@Dibble135 well this is fascinating. I always wondered who these women were whose dh’s worked away and they picked everything up. And seemed ok with it!

I think the point is that usually this type of DH has always worked away abit, or been the wage earner to the sahm or been police/ : oil and gas / snr management / military etc etc so both people in the couple have been used to the dynamic and are so ‘cool wives’. Or maybe have intimacy issues. Who knows ?

in this case you’ve been married 10 years and now his travel is ramping up. You don’t have to like this. You can ask him to look for another job. Maybe you both could relocate for a few years instead.

but thank you for this thread. I work with a lot of men who travel at the drop of a hat and I always felt sorry for their families but obv that works for them. But it’s not for everyone

Am I on trial here?

My husband has always worked away because he was in the armed forces when we met. We’ve been married almost 29yrs and 27 of those he was serving. When he left he got a job where I thought he’d be at home more or less permanently but he’s not. He’s since been promoted so he’s away more often. The company he works for is owned, and mainly staffed, by veterans so they have the attitude of if they go away for 3 days and it runs into 2 weeks then so be it.

I don’t always like it, but I love my husband more than to tell him find another job, or to leave my marriage. He enjoys his job, he’s good at it and it pays well. Working away is just one of those things that more and more jobs expect now, ime. Only you can decide if you can put up with it, but I personally think it would be a real shame to throw away a marriage over it.

Of course

I’m sorry I’m annoying you.

It's really, really not what I wanted, but we did manage.

I hated it, but we're now at the stage where it's just the two of us again, and we're as solid as ever. I just had to suck it up, and make sure I had time to myself when he was home to look after the children, obviously not as much time as I deserved, but we are very solid together, and we coped. I hope you can too.

Thanks I really appreciate this

My DH used to regularly be away for a night or 2 before Covid. Since though had only been away once or twice. A week before school went back after summer, he drops that he's going to Saudi for a week, the day before school goes back!

I wasn't impressed, but managed to juggle work, kids and pets with a bit of help from my parents. My house was clean and tidy, and a packet of Kit Kat's lasted the whole week!! (Until he got back anyway).