To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

There is a vast difference between the neck and the throat, I'd by surprised if the witness was unsure of the difference. In these situations no-one makes a report lightly so she would have been certain of what she saw.

It's good that it was seen, hopefully the beginning of the end now.

@PurpleLampShades I'm so sorry. I've read the whole thread today and wanted to extend a huge amount of sympathy and support to you.

I wonder whether it's worth you having a quick read of the Mankind Initiative website, and maybe even giving them a call? They are experts on male domestic abuse.

www.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/is-a-man-you-know-a-victim-spotting-the-signs/

I don’t know the exact details or context of the incident, just that the words used were ‘hand around throat’. I’m trying to put it out of my head for seeing him tomorrow so I don’t say anything I’ll later regret. I know I need to leave it for the professionals to investigate but my god, it will be so hard not to say or do anything. I am concerned that DS and gf will play it down when they’re spoken to. It’s quite obvious that’s what will happen, though hopefully this can be another thing for the counsellor to work on with him. And you’re right I suppose, that it’s another thing to add to the bigger picture of the situation for them.

It’s about a year now since he met her. This time last year he was 15 and I thought he had found himself a girlfriend because his behaviour changed a little. You know when all of a sudden they start becoming more interested in hygiene and smelling and looking nice? I even asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said no and got all secretive about it. I had no idea the ‘girl’ was going to turn out to be a grown woman 11 years older than him. They have said they never did anything together until he was 16, but I don’t believe it. He admitted he had a gf in May but has since denied saying that. But he definitely did say it. I cannot believe this nightmare has been going on this long.

Thankyou @MidLifeResurgence74 . I’ll have a look at that link.

I really feel for you @PurpleLampShades
Your son will outgrow this woman (hopefully sooner rather than later). In letting him know you're there, and you always have his back, you're letting him know he has an out; he can come home.
He's very lucky to have you.

Thank goodness your Son’s social workers are on the ball. No other words from me, only that I hope one day, he will wake up and realise what is happening and that it’s not right and that you are there for him.

I'm so angry for you op, this woman is vile.

I really hope that the counselling helps him or as a previous op said that he quickly outgrows her.

Good luck tomorrow. You're doing well just keeping the communication lines open.

I know you will keep your cool tomorrow with your son OP. It's all you can do for now, and try to have a nice time together.

Try to let it all out of your head for tomorrow. You need to be a safe space for him right now, and someone who isn't going to ask anything of him. Just keep to breezy light conversation and try not to ask many questions. Easier said, I know.

Oh @PurpleLampShades my heart really does go out to you. Could you do the cute pet thing tomorrow? Download a few puppy pics and just throw the idea around of getting a companion for the house, even if it isn’t a serious intention - it’s a nice, light, benign topic of conversation . I think it would take your mind off all the horror of this week, would perhaps make him think about how you might be lonely without you having to explicitly say it, and might make him think he wants to come home and visit…I think that’s what I would be tempted to do, it’s a ‘safe’ conversational topic, but it also contains several unspoken messages. I hope it goes well tomorrow for you. You are doing amazingly 💐

could you take some snacks tomorrow @PurpleLampShades .it might help just with comfort based. but also something to do with your hands and thought if you suddenly feel overwhelmed. a little conversation starter on any new meals?foods recently?
sharing food always seems to help.
also do you have a bobble or elastic band or bracelet. coudl you wear it on your wrist. so that if you feel yourself wanting to say something you no wont help you could just fiddle or gently ping it to yourself. just to ground yourself back to the moment. make yourself come back,know you need to breathe,stay calm not say something just yet.

id also allow him to see a bit more of your emotions about missing him.
there is a big differecne between staying away from argument inducisng topics. but to actually show love,care and vulnerability. to show you love and miss him.i dont think that such a bad thing.
because i also have no doubt she will be spouting the oppositu to him. if mum is looking ok then she cant be missing you after all can she

Thinking of you today purple

Hope things go well today, @PurpleLampShades .

Wishing you well Purple, thinking of you.

Hi Purple thinking of you today. Hope your time with your boy is going well. X

Thinking of you today, my heart breaks for you every time I read your thread 💐
I hope you and he are having a good visit today 💗

Been thinking of you all day today Purple. Really hope he turned up and you got at least time with him. I do think you are amazing how you still show up for him and keep going. I know you feel you have no choice but you do and you have consistently made choices that keep him central. He’s lucky to have such a great mum who loves him so much. He will come back.

Dittod xx

I have the feeling that things are coming to a head.

I hope you can remain strong OP and trust that the outcome will be that DS comes home to you and can put this period behind him and resume his life.

GF unlikely to give up lightly. My only concern is that professionals wont act as efficiently as they should to shut this women and her behaviour down.

Sending positive thoughts and best wishes 💐

I hope too that this will result in things coming to a head. I would hope that her self preservation will kick in (I’m sure she’s selfish enough to have a pretty well developed sense of this!) and it will result in the relationship ending, but it must be an incredibly upsetting time for you, I’m so sorry.

I really hope that today went well for you.

Huge hugs for you @PurpleLampShades
Maybe some therapy for you would be good?
I am sorry
this is hapening to your son and you.

Was thinking about you yesterday. I hope the visit went well OP.