To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

Oh gosh yes, what a worry, but my gut feeling is overall positive and relating to his time keeping/demeanor/her picking him up early. Everything crossed it will instigate action of some kind. Did you contact the sw first or did they contact you? Sorry, lots of questions, but had you arranged another session or did he leave before you could? That might have raised a concern too, possibly (depending on how the arrangements are meant to be made). Did the sw tell you when you'll hear from her again?

I'm actually really relieved they've picked something up - always adds more weight when it's a professional observation. I doubt very much it's anything you've done Purple, from what you said here, you've been utter model mum in how you've conducted yourself, keep the faith 💜

Hope you're okay Purple. Such a worry x

Sending masses of love. Reading your experiences made me incredibly anxious. I can only imagine how you must feel. Keep on being you - consistently loving and patient. I'm praying that he will eventually see through this awful fog of control.

Well, I managed to find out what the concern raised by the lady at the contact centre is. Apparently she saw gf had her hand around DS’s throat whilst they were kissing in the car when he was dropped off. It’s being investigated so I’m told, but I don’t really know what that entails. I assume it will involve them speaking to DS and gf to find out what the hell she thinks she’s doing. It didn’t appear to be hurting him but the lady felt that it was concerning nonetheless. I cannot even begin to describe what I am feeling towards that disgusting woman right now. I am sad and fearful for DS and thankful for the lady reporting it all rolled into one. Even if it wasn’t hurting him, that is not normal is it? It’s a display of control and dominance isn’t it? It’s not normal to put your hand around your partners throat while kissing them. Do any of you do that with your partners? Or your kids? Do your kids do that? I’m really trying to hold it together right now. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before something terrible happens.

oh @PurpleLampShades what a bloody awful thing to have found out.

No, I do not hold my husbands throat when we are kissing - that is probably breath play and it isn't something you do 'just because' its a whole level of kink that is usually kept to behind closed doors. IF it was that and not a dominance/aggression move on this vile persons part.

As far as I am aware, it's not a 'thing' in every day kissing.

The good thing is that other people are noticing things out of the ordinary in this bizarre 'relationship' - things that are not normal, usual or what goes on in the majority of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.

I can feel your angst in your post and I am sending you hugs and

Oh dear God, that is extremely worrying, thank goodness that has been noted and action will be taken.
Sending you heaps of kind thoughts

I've followed your story with nothing useful to add but my goodness, your latest update is awful. I really hope that this report by someone neutral is the start of a real change for your ds. My heart breaks for him, this isn't what life should be like when you're 16.

FWIW we never put our hands round each other's throats when we're kissing, when I've occasionally walked in on my ds16 and his gf kissing when they think there's no-one around I've never seen them do this. It's not normal. And for someone to notice them doing it in a car it must have been pretty full on.

Take care purple I hope you have another visit with him this weekend.

As awful as it is that she has done/doing things like that to him, its good that she's been silly enough to do it in front of the contact centre and someone has seen and reported it.

It completely validates your concern and now that it has been noted by a member of staff they cannot ignore it. They will definitely have to act on it and you may find this is the gate opening and you see a real change in the way the social workers treat the case. It also shows that the previous concerns you have had e.g. her answering his phone hold alot more merit as it is no longer a standalone 'small' issue but putting all the puzzle pieces together show her true colours.

I really hope your son starts to see her for what she is and finds his way back to you soon x

Eurgh. She is horrible. I think they will downplay it when asked about it, but hopefully it will just add to the overall picture for social services.

As long as the lady is 100% certain of what she saw, hopefully there is CCTV to corroborate. I do worry that you may find context comes in to play when they probe it further and question them. Do people put their hand around their bf's throats when they kiss them? Probably not. Do people sometimes place a hand on the side of their neck to turn their face toward them as they are awkwardly leaning in sideways to kiss in a car? Possibly.

FFS Purple I’m sooo sorry. What a horrible thing for you to hear. As the PP said, at least neutral outsiders are raising concerns now. That’s good for your case.

Blimey, you must be worried sick. Whatever sort of woman is she?!

At least it was seen, and hopefully will ensure that more resources go into this in terms of time and people. Keep on keeping on, he will find his way back to you.

Bloody hell, that is awful. Must have been hard to hear.

Who does that and to a child she is dropping off for contact...

Really never seen anyone do that or known anyone who has wanted to do that.

I know it must have added to your worry, but it is a good thing that someone from 'outside' noticed something a bit off. let them deal with it and don't raise it with him yourself.

I did have a guy once that used to be quite dominant put his hands on my throat once. Told him I didn't like it and he backed off immediately, because he wasn't a phycho! I think the key is always context and consent, so she may try to claim he likes it. Maybe she's been abused herself at some point and thinks this is normal.

Jeez Purple thank god that woman saw and reported. PLEASE let them now be able to do something effective. Really feeling for you, I hope there is some positive news very soon.

As awful as it is, like others have said. It's good that this was witnessed and reported. Also the fact that is was reported by a stranger gives it more weight.

yes im sorry. i didnt want to sound "off supportive" or goading but i see people put there hand on their others halves throat all the time when kissing. so,etimes cheek but no sometimes one hand laid on the neck. so i think it need to be in context or needs explaing becasue unless actually round as in strangulation descriptive way i cant see this as actually being a bad thing.

i am NOT sticking up for this woman by the way. i am very aware they have to be alert for all things.

There is a huge difference between putting your hand on someones NECK and holding someone by the throat!

HUGE difference and you can see instantly if someone is in a throttle hold or a hand placed on the side of the neck.

It is good that this has been observed by someone else who will be listened to and they have reported.

It does put a whole new spin to them onto your concerns.

Exactly, which is why we need context rather than pearl clutching. Perhaps let the people who witnessed it do the investigating. The lady said she saw her place her hand on his throat, not throttle him. In fact she went as far as pointing out she didn't appear to be hurting him.

Neither OP or the witness said anything about throttle holds am I missing a post here?

I don't think your posts are helping the OP at all - her son is in a coercive, abusive relationship, he is a CHILD, this woman is not. It is clearly very upsetting for OP to learn of this and to watch her son go through this, and go through this as a Mother.

whether the gf was holding his throat, touching his throat or whatever it has given someone in the centre concern and she is raising it with authorities - for this to be investigated further.

no you are not missing a post, a couple of posters have come on and said about context.

Anyway, none of this is helping OP, her son is still not home.