To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

I am so glad you saw him OP! I think the kindness route is best as anything otherwise will be easy for her to keep you away.

This makes me want to cry OP. I don't know how you're coping. Your poor boy. He knows you love him and will always always be there for him. Nothing matters more than that.

Oh OP. I'm so glad you saw him, and that you told him how worried and upset you are. Honestly, I think that's really good, that needed to hear it. U think you also did exactly the right thing letting him phone her.

I would say let that sit with him for a while. It's not going to do anything overnight but it will be there, niggling away, reinforcing his own doubts - which he absolutely has, from what he's said to his friends. Hopefully they'll blossom and grow and he'll break free from her, knowing he can always come home to you.

I wouldn't approach him/her about meeting her again. Maybe later on, but I think it would be too much on top of seeing him, and he'd probably tell her that he's seen you - she'll be suspicious about why you're approaching her now, and he'll be hopeful for change - and that may well lead to her trying to stop that being possible again. You don't want her to make him leave school.

I also wouldn't personally be able to trust myself to keep my cool with her, and you can't afford to slip up and scare him away.

I would keep being there, cool and calm, asking what HE wants. What HE thinks. Not what she's telling him to think. I'd wait to see if he calls you, and maybe in a few weeks see if school will do the same again so you can see him.

Completely agree with this (been on your thread since the beginning).

I actually think she is so incredibly controlling and manipulative that if you try to open the door to her she will do all she can to cling onto him and isolate him even further. I remember how vile she was when you invited them over before.

I'm so very glad you got to see him, I think being honest and frank with him is the way forward. Just consistently being there for him and showing him whenever you can your care and love for him

I'm so glad you got to see him, well done for saying everything you needed to.

I was going to suggest what @Trampslikeu has. In your shoes, as galling as it might be, I would go round and knock on their door. I'd speak to them both together and even apologise (if I had to) if I had made things difficult for them, if she felt I wasn't approachable etc. and say that going forward, I would like that to change. That I would like to be able to spend time with them both, to support them as a couple. It really would be an incredibly difficult thing to do, but I don't think it's quite as painful as living without your son in your life for all this time. Hopefully, this offer would give his GF no choice but to accept the olive branch, which will mean you'll finally be able to keep a closer eye on your DS and will be right there when it all comes tumbling down and he's ready to come home.

She sounds very controlling to be concerned about who he has spoken to and sat next to in class. That is not normal adult conversation to be so invested in details like that.

She does not want him speaking to or hanging out with girls of his own age, in case he starts a more appropriate relationship. She is incredibly controlling.

So glad you got to see your boy @PurpleLampShades

No idea which road you should take, as in keep going as is or kill her with kindness.
If you do decide to ever meet up with them or have them over I would make sure you have someone with you each time so she can't find fault with everything you do or say as someone impartial will be there as witness.

I've read this all. I'm so sorry you're still going through this do you have an update?

So pleased you saw him Purple. And that you were able to tell him how this is making you feel.

I'm honestly not sure how I would go about the next step. He is still firmly in the same place isn't he. I just had another look at the Web page I linked to upthread around support for male victims of domestic abuse - they do offer support and advice to people who are worried about someone. I'd be tempted to give them a call and chat it all over with them:
https://mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/is-a-man-you-know-a-victim-spotting-the-signs/

I can see merit in the idea of seeing them both again, but also feel protective of you in this too Purple and whether you can face doing that again and having to absorb her vile behaviour. I can also see the possibility of having some of his friends over too, might be helpful to you in that situation and diffuse things a bit. But I'm also not sure they'll go for that. I'm wondering about maybe an activity, like going to the cinema or something that isn't too pressured, is in public and doesn't actually require much interaction, as a starting place?

However I'm also hearing the word of caution from survivors on this thread and think really it's best to seek professional advice at this stage. What do you think?

An update since yesterday?!

Did you miss OPs most recent post? (It was at 16.33)

Apologies OP. I read your post before you updated. It was playing on my mind when I got up this morning. I didn't read the update. I'm sorry if this came across insensitive.

I really feel for you

So glad that you were able to see him purple and tell him that you're worried about him. It's that kind of unconditional love that he needs to know is still there for him.
Also glad he's still going to college.

I'm so happy you were able to see him, even if it was tough. It's great he's still going to school, there's a glimmer of light there! I've said it before, and I'll say it again, it's just heartbreaking 💔 and so, so, sad that he's essentially been dropped by those in power who could help him.

What she's doing is a crime, if only he could see it.
Take care of yourself, and keep the faith he'll come back to you 💜

Gosh this is so awful. I really feel for you, it seems crazy considering you have parental responsibility for him yet you are so powerless it seems. I also wonder if things would be different if it was a daughter and not a son?

If this was my DD I know that my DH would not be able to handle it and would most likely end up in court but I know that’s not very helpful to you.

I wouldn’t invite her round. I remember what happened at Xmas and she just poo poo’d every kindness you tried so I think it would probably upset you.

I think if it was me, I would go to my MP. It just doesn’t seem right that you are his parent, he is still a child in the eyes of the law but you have no authority and you know he is being abused. Thinking of you 💐

hi purple, so happy you got to see your son even if only for a short while.

I think give it a while so it won't arouse suspicion then try inviting them over for dinner via post etc.

do what you can, kill them with kindness.

sending you support, always xx

So glad you got to see him.

How are you purple? Have you had chance to see DS again? I think you were so brave but so right to see him in person. He knows you are there solidly supporting him even if he is being forced to hold you at arms length and that is very powerful

Hi OP, I've just read your threads and really feel for you. I know it's not the same situation, and apologies if someone has linked this before, but have you seen this thread from a few years ago?
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/ami_being_unreasonable/4116061-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-and-her-mum

There are several threads on it - wondered if you could glean any advice. Obviously this girl isn't a 27 year old woman but still...

Edit - the OP has updated the final outcome at the end of the 1st thread, but before that happened she described everything over the next two threads, if you see what I mean - then went back and updated all the threads I think!

Still thinking of you @PurpleLampShades, especially since having my own teenage ds dramas recently. That's felt plenty stressful enough, but in no way comparable to what you've been going through. I hope you're coping okay. It must be a constant stress and I can understand you stepping away from the thread if there aren't any developments.

I'm very mindful it's nearly full, but just wanted to send more good wishes before it fills completely. Feel free to pm if it's ever helpful 💜

Thinking of you @PurpleLampShades.

Just checking on you @PurpleLampShades I hope you have managed to have some more contact with your son. Thinking of you.

Checking in to send continued support 💐

Another one just letting you know we are still rooting for you OP. Really hope there had been some progress on contact with your DS.
You might need a new thread though.

Hi @PurpleLampShades
Did you begin a new thread? Thinking of you both. 💜

Hello. Gosh, this thread is full after this post. Thank you for continuing to check in on it even though I’m not very active. I will start another, yes, when there’s more of an update perhaps or maybe just to get things off my chest a bit.

There is no real update now though. No contact since I saw him at college. I was umming and ahhhing over putting a little note through their door asking if they’d like to go out somewhere for Sunday lunch at some point but I didn’t in the end because it may have caused problems for him. I know he is still going to college but his attendance has already dropped a bit.

From what I’ve heard from my little gang of watchers she is in a love bombing phase at the moment. She’s been driving him to and from college, bought him new clothes, trainers and phone (though apparently she’s also gone through it and deleted all female contacts, some of his male friends names also and put some controls on it, so he basically has her number and one or two others and can access what she’s allowed him to have, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has put a tracker on it too), been cooking and taking him out for meals etc. Quite what has happened prior to that to instigate this phase I don’t know. As I understand it, love bombing tends to happen after something bad doesn’t it? I torture myself thinking about things like that.

I’m really starting to think I’m not going to see him again. I just don’t know what else there is I can do? Where do I go from here? I spoke to a couple of charities and they’ve given advice, some of which I’ve already tried, some of which I can’t do if I don’t actually have any contact with him. I phoned and spoke to SS again, but they said the usual.

It was my birthday last week and I didn’t get a card. Last year he hand delivered a card. This year, nothing. I want to believe it’s because of her and not because he couldn’t be bothered. I think it’s over a year now, since I started my first thread. A year later and the second is full, and no positive progress to speak of. Do I need to start trying to accept this is how things are now? That I’ve lost him and just have to hope that one day he’ll come back?

I’ve just realised I’m asking all these questions but no one will be able to respond because this is the last post of the thread, so it’s a bit pointless isn’t it.