To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

Hope today went well, thinking of you.

Hi Purple. Hopeyou had a great time with your son. Totally agree with@Thedogseyesareintense he will most definitely be forming picture of what is going on without you saying word.
Stay patient and play the long game.With the support of outside agencies I really think he will slowly see exactly what is happening here. X

Hi op, I remember reading this back when it all started for you then I lost the post. I’m so sorry to see that it’s all still going on and I hope the visit today went well for you both ❤️

He was quarter of an hour late and left early because they had ‘plans’ apparently so we only had about 35 minutes. He wasn’t as communicative as last time. He didn’t seem able to relax, but we were able to have a small chat about mundane, everyday things. He seemed quite distracted. I did ask him a couple of times if he was ok. He said he was just tired the second time and then apologised. Usual issue with the phone, with him apologising and answering/looking at it. He still hugged me when he left though, so that’s good. I feel like these meetings are going to go this way - one step forward, two back. It’s just so strange that it’s come to this. I feel like I don’t even know how to talk to my own child anymore.

I'm sorry it didn't go as well as you'd hoped.
The positive is that he's keeping contact. As long as he continues to do this, hopefully it'll get easier and he'll be able to open up more.
Sending a handhold x

Oh Purple I'm so sorry to hear that. Christ I don't know what to say. I thought this hour you had with him would be protected time. Does the SW know your time is being interrupted constantly by her calling and texting him and now a short visit due to plans!!
I'm gutted for you. He hugged you again which is great. Can you contact SS to let them know how he came across at this meeting.
I just want to give you a great big hug. You are an amazing Mum. Hang in there he is going to need you. Xx

I'm glad he turned up. I would definitely let ss know about the time keeping and distraction. It sounds as though people might be starting to make small break throughs with him. It will have to be small baby steps in the right direction. Just keep reminding him that you love him and are there for him whenever he wants or needs you. That while you are happy to meet in the contact centre, he will always be welcome in your home no matter the time or circumstances. Remind him in subtle ways that he has an out.

I'm so sorry that this meet up didn't go to plan @PurpleLampShades I'm glad he still gave you a hug.

Have you thought about taking a step back now for your own mental health? It will be the hardest thing you will ever do but you also need to look after you.

Still communicate with him to let him know that you love and miss him, but take a step back and not 'chase' him in a sense with these meeting etc.
Its a scary thing as you don't want them to think you're abandoning them but it's ok for them to see that you're human too and how hard this is for you.

i would feed this back op. this is protected "ordered time" so to speak there shouldnt be ways he can miss it. it wouldnt be acceptable if the parent decided to miss half the meetings in these situations.
have you thought about broaching home. might be just such a situation like this where just a really subtle way it could be? " just want to say if home.or anywhere else you fancy is easier for you.or you ever feel able to come to the house then NO big deal would be made.it would just be done. you wouldnt even have to tell me you would like to try it another way" and again quickly move on.
im sorry today didnt seem to go how it should have.

id flag it up with someone. hes seems more withdrawn and is even himself mentioning tiredness etc. let them know this is one case they dont get to dismiss or add to the pile and somoene here is checking up on them doing what they can to protect your boys welfare.

im not blaming the service as a whole. but in this sector alot of the time nothing gets done until someone shouts loud enough or they know someone is shouting for the victim

you sounds tired yourself @PurpleLampShades what are you doing to protect yourself.
how does your week look?
make sure your actively doing the self care stuff. i no it sounds all cushee but in these situations it really is important that your being incredibly kind and gentle and good to yourself.

So sorry to read this Purple just agonising again for you. But you're right, this up and down journey is very much to be expected I'm afraid. He does sound a bit depressed. Agree important to feedback to sw. Also to find out if he's attending college and counselling. They might be leaving it until the next review to update but I'd want to know if I were you Purple, for peace of mind if nothing else.

So glad to hear there was another hug at least, they really do speak volumes, and are at least progress, but it must all feel painfully slow. Did you manage to arrange another contact session before he left? I hope you're feeling okay today x

And sadly I agree with Kate - the more those involved feel there's someone chasing things, the more will be done. Makes me very angry and sad, especially for those without family or carers to be proactive. It's an awful strain on carers so YY very important to keep that self care up. Have you anything nice planned just for you? X

Your update just highlights how threatened the GF must be feeling by all of this. She knows that you're possibly the only person here who can influence his thoughts so she's really applying the thumbscrews. Please contact the SW and explain what's happening - he really needs to turn his phone off when you're together, and the fact that she's constantly contacting him while he's with you is unacceptable. He needs to know this, but not from you.

Keep going. And please try to do something really nice for yourself.

Sorry to read the update, but it's positive that he showed up, clearly to the annoyance of his gf and gave you another hug.

Next time, rather than trying to be strong and acting as though everything is fine I would be tempted to show a little emotion, so he can see how hard this is for you. You can do this without asking him any difficult questions. Tell him you've been worried, tell him you miss him. If you feel like crying, let out a tear rather than waiting till afterwards. I know that would get through to me if it was my mum.

Take care x

This is some psycho person who keeps messaging, phoning, haranguing your son for an hour while he spends time with his mum.

Please let SW know what is going on - this is just meeting 2 and the gf is very very threatened to behave this way.

I feel for you and I feel for your son, he is definitely in an abusive relationship.

Totally agree with all the above posts. It would really expose her true colours if she tries to harangue him like this during counselling or a family therapy session. Really hope the sw can take some action here.

Well, I’ve not long been off the phone with the sw. Apparently, one of the ladies at the contact centre has raised a concern about DS and they are investigating it. I don’t know what the concern actually is because the sw wouldn’t tell me any details. Apparently due to confidentiality, which I don’t really understand because I’m still his legal guardian and have parental responsibility. I really think the laws around safeguarding of 16 & 17 year olds need looking at. It’s so hard as a parent to protect your child from harm when services treat them as if they’re already adults and have all the experience and answers needed. I don’t know what the answer is, but this isn’t it. I’m now wondering and worrying what the concern is. Is it the phone issue? Is he at risk? Is it something I’ve done? And I can’t even text him to check in with him because I don’t have his number!

I told her about the lateness/leaving early and phone and she said she’ll talk to them about it. She did tell me he’s attended everything he’s supposed to so far but not whether he’s actually engaging in any of it.

Trying to stop myself driving down to the college to pick him up.

Hopefully it's something to do with the gf. Maybe they've seen something when he's been dropped off or picked up, fingers crossed 🤞

It could be as simple as him being late and leaving early, not keeping to his times.

Honestly I think this could well be really positive news. Keep going OP.

Yes. It doesn’t stop me worrying it’s something awful though.

I suspect if the concern were about you OP you wouldn't have been told about it (certainly not in that manner by SW). She would have come to see you and wanted to explore whatever it is. I realize you are still very concerned if not more so. Workers are probably equally frustrated that our laws say teenagers are both children and young adults, it's a difficult phase. Keep talking to everyone you can and accepting support.

Did she ask you any questions about your contact time? I agree it can’t be anything to do with you. I think this, while worrying, might be a good thing as it’s another independent party raising a concern about his situation. Was he with you the whole time at the centre? Did he make bathroom visits etc?

They're trained to observe discreetly at contact centres, and it's good that they've noticed something isn't quite right with him though awful for you.

Hopefully it's the phone use and they'll tell him to turn it off next time.

Honestly, with safeguarding the more people comment about things that look wrong, the more support you are likely to get.

In a previous job I raised a safeguarding concern which I felt a bit bad about as it was only just over the threshold for me, so someone else may not have said anything. It turned out to be the final piece in the puzzle for ss who took appropriate action. My safeguarding lead knew how I'd felt about reporting it so came back and let me know I had helped someone vulnerable.

Don't worry. This is a good thing.

Yes.they would have approached it very duff if it was about you op .
I didn't no those at the centre were to watch though.
Try not to catastrophe and what if and predict op.it will send you crazy.there and so many things it could be.ftom big to small.and so much nuance around this stuff.especially looking from the outside in,so ig could indeed be nothing.or something,by which at least there is something happening.another notch another note,another recording.
Can you phone back and ask the question as yo why given he's still undersgd you aren't ACTUALLY being told these things.as his guardian of whats still called a child you should be alongside all talks and knowledge.

I no you will worry. But please try to keep calm.dont ruminate on this,it will send you mad.
Tell yoyrself those little mantras.
The ones that help you breathe through this.
He's a boy who's loved.your a mum who loves and IS loved.its going to be OK.
You got your Mumsnet family here too.lots of kick ass aunties to hold you all up.