To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

I'm
So sorry this is happening to you but you are handling it brilliantly.

Well done. I hope there is another visit planned soon and that he eventually feels he can share his phone number.x

Thank you. This thread is full of lovely, kind posters. It really means a lot.

We have managed to get another visit booked for this coming Saturday morning.

I really do believe this too shall pass.

You are doing so brilliantly.

It's good that he was open to seeing you this weekend as well, that's progress. I'm glad it went well. Keep on going.

God that must have been so hard, but how wonderful he gave you a hug Purple! Honestly, that is bloody brilliant!! Not many teenagers his age give their mums hugs at the best of times so for me that's really saying something.

It's all you can and need do I think at the moment, just quietly keep reinforcing that you are there for him whatever (being the antithesis of what he's getting at "home" ie not controlling, kicking off or giving him a hard time). Can't stress how much to just use every opportunity you can to just keep telling and showing him that - words and actions are equally as important as each other.

Let's hope you can get updates from the sw and college lead around whether he's attending, and most importantly engaging with counselling. I'll have everything crossed that he is. Well done you both! 💜

Well done I think you did amazingly well. He will think about you over the week. You not asking him difficult questions will make it glaringly obvious it’s her over time. Hang in there xx

Well done, you did so well

I really am in awe of you OP, you are doing exactly what your son needs you to be doing right now, despite how difficult it is for you.

I hope you’ve got people IRL to support you too

Yes @Justalittlebitfurther I agree. I'm hoping and praying Purple, that you can safely leave it to the counsellor to make progress around trickier topics, but that might take a few sessions, even if he's engaging. Hopefully it will have a positive effect on your relationship because if he's still finding it hard to be open about, it's likely you will at least become the one safe thing who is causing or prodding at sore spots. The process can't be rushed sadly and will take whatever time it needs to all come out, but it's great it's being put in place. For now, carry on as you are, taking his lead as to what he's comfortable talking about. If by any chance you feel you've overstepped again, just take a deep breath, check yourself, apologise if necessary, and say something like "I'm sorry, we don't have to talk about that, I can see that's made you uncomfortable, which I really don't want to do" and as you've done before, steer the subject back to something safe.

@PurpleLampShades
Wow reading your post made me well up. You are stronger than you know Purple. I'm so happy you had the meeting and genuinely over the moon for you at how well it went.
I think your son will realise eventually that this level of control in a relationship is so far from normal.
Keep going Purple and roll on Saturday.

Sending you a hug, you did so well.

I'd not ask for the number, I'd just state it's so good to see him and chat. Not mention the phone thing.

Would he know your mobile number or house phone number from memory if he wanted to call or text you?? Just curious on that one. If the new phone is a contract in her name that she's got him, she'll be getting the billing and will be monitoring his communications that way as well as using it to make sure he's always contactable. 😔

He knows where you are and hopefully some regular contact with you and the counseling will be helpful. I think as hard as it is, it's about playing the long game really. Being a safe person he can remember he enjoys spending time with, with no pressure.

i actually think broaching some things might be helpful.
becasue you ARE still his mum.his safe space.the adult and the one that creates teh strong walls and rules and learning zones. parents are often the ones that bring up and borach the shit stuff.as kids we often wait and wait for our parents to mention it,talk about it,read our minds. it doesnt have to be in a confrontational way. and if he ever shrinks back you just need to again calmly but strongly "sorry luv if that too hard we wont go there." you quickly say sorry. you move on.give his hand a reasuring squeexee and " im a nosey bloody mum what can i say"
i totally get you need to take it steady. but things like the phone. as his mum it would be totally normal and he might not be able to bring it up.but you can.need to with some things.especially if being abused you are constantly in your head wishing someone would just notice or say something. it can be done so very gently.

obviously this was the first meeting though. so my god you had to take it at a speed you were both wary with. you must have felt so nervous yourself never mind him. you did amazing.you did yourself proud. and you can totally cry your heart out afterwards.it was such a normal reaction both to your love for him and the pent up feeling and emotions youve had waiting for this moment.
i think its ok to show him this side of you too. dont forget he does need to see nyou need and want him. as miss fucker will no doubt drip poison into him about it if you shut off or " she was cold" comes into play.
they like doing that.they like making the loved ones be scittish and fearful of how to handle it and claim its becuade they dont care or "see they dont need you" "arent bothered about you,seeing you,missing you."
i remember the conversation
"she was ok,seemed fine"
" aargh so isnt actually missing you much then.thats nice"
bloody stupid hard rope to travel and balance on though!

give it a bit of time and i would ask after her. it makes that elephant bigger and bigger if you dont.she becomes the us verses you thing. be casual. just ask how she is. have the next topic handy for straight after his reply so you van very quickly move on "oh thats nice.so you seen much of man united?"

try not to panic too much over the buzzing of the phones. i cannot tell you how many notifixation buz i get a day. sometimes from art pages i follow on instagram when they update there work!
if he is on socials you can literally get one agter another in the space of seconds.

Purple you are amazing and I bet that hug felt so good. It’s fantastic he’s already agreed to see you again. Hopefully the formal nature of it and SS involvement make it easier for him to explain to her.

The phone worries me and I wonder what SS are noting about it. Removing his existing phone for no reason other than her control of the number?? (Had it broken or anything) and replacing with a new one timed with him cutting pretty much all contact with family and friends absolutely screams abusive and I feel really distressed that SS wouldn’t take that very very seriously. Let’s hope they are going to gently explore this in his therapy sessions.

when do you next get any feedback from SS? I really hope he’s engaging with the sessions and managing to get to college more.

Hang in there purple. You are incredible and I think that sounds like the first proper breakthrough in a while so gently and softly seems to be key.

Sorry - another essay from me! I think only your DS really knows what he is or isn't comfortable talking about at this stage. The only sure thing you can really do is to communicate to him that you know and respect there are things he doesn't want to talk about and that you'll be there if and when he's ready to. That might be the first stage of acknowledging the elephant's presence, rather than either total avoidance, or total exposure. See what his reaction is.

The next stage might be something around acknowledging that you will need to talk about uncomfortable things at some point, for you both to properly move on and heal, but letting him know that doesn't have to be now. And depending on that reaction, then to say it could even be with a family therapist later down the line, if he's more comfortable with that. This might all be possible in one conversation or it could take 3 separate chats. Be guided by him and any feedback on progress with the counsellor or sw.

He'll likely be less defensive if it's been openly acknowledged he doesn't have to go there...yet. Only when he's ready and in control. We don't actually know why he's so defensive - it might just be teenage bad behaviour, or it might be because there has been sexual abuse whilst under age. Try not view his reactions as personal towards you, but as a reaction against acknowledging whatever happened was wrong. He might have all sorts of feelings of shame etc and I do wonder if best left to the professionals - they will also support and encourage him to talk to you more deeply, when he's ready. So just a bit more patience Purple I'd say, preparing the soil, don't rush it, @kateandme has good suggestions of ways to approach more direct questions and ways out again if he gets defensive.

So much to keep in mind, I hope you are doing okay? Any more thoughts on pets?

@PurpleLampShades i Think you are amazing

So pleased you got to see him. I think your instincts about what to say and not say we're probably spot on. You are there reading the non verbal communication, you know your son. Without steering this into paranoia I would wonder about the phone on the table, was he told to record the meeting? Controlling and coercive behaviour is pervasive the individual acting in this way will struggle to tolerate interference in their power. This is why the involvement of other agencies is so important so that he has a number of safe spaces to talk where others can hopefully hold a light up to the ideas and beliefs he's holding about why he needs to follow the path being built. Do feed things back to the social worker no matter how small it helps build a picture of what is going on. Although it may feel very slow and inactive, information sharing between safeguarding agencies can be vital in knowing how to intervene in an important moment.

Well done OP! keep staying strong, thinking of you so often and sending so much love and positivity your way.

Softly softly and keep going, keep fighting for your DS he will appreciate it in the long run.

xx

so pleased you will see him again tomorrow purple (all being well) and hope it goes as smoothly as last time. Try and keep ignoring the phone etc and focus on DS and keeping it light and hopefully you will keep chipping away at his barriers.

thinking of you

Hoping you have another successful meeting tomorrow and that you’ve had an okay week. I think of you and your awful predicament often and wish you well. I think this thread is one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever read on Mumsnet and I am willing it to be resolved positively for you 💐

Could you ask the sw or contact centre to say to both of you that phones aren't allowed in the room while you are meeting? Ideally so she can be told in advance he won't be able to reply to her. It would give him a reason not to answer her and give you both some one on one time without interruption from her.

You can’t ask the SW to lie and I think it speaks volumes the way she texts and hassles him and he will know it too- it just takes time to form a picture in his head. You can’t protect him from the reality of being in an abusive relationship until he sees it too and is willing to leave.

If he can’t have his phone he may pull out of the sessions entirely or refuse to speak whilst he is there. Plus who knows how awful she might be to him about it.

purple just quietly ignoring the texts and being there alongside him whilst he copes with it is so important to how he sees his mum- not as more combat and confrontation but as support and trust.

Agree with @Thedogseyesareintense

Thinking of you again today Purple. Keep that mantra going x

sending you hugs and strength today xxxx

I hope today goes well. Sending positive thoughts.