To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

There's no need for your rudeness. Perhaps you're a little over invested.

How are you feeling this week @PurpleLampShades ? Any news on a contact centre meet up date?

Every time I see this thread on the front page of AIBU, I read the most recent posts desperately hoping that DS has ended the relationship and come back home @PurpleLampShades .

I can't begin to imagine how tough this is for you. You're being amazingly strong and handling things really well. I hope the contact centre appointment comes through soon, and that it's helpful.

Hi@PurpleLampShades
Just another poster thinking of you. I hope you've had your first meeting with your son and it went well. Keep going we are all here to support you. Like others I keep an eye on this thread with everything crossed for a good outcome.
You are doing a great job. Keep being the great Mum that you are.

Hi. Thank you. We’re booked in for a 1 hour slot on Saturday. I’ve been thinking about things to chat about that aren’t pressurised. I’ve been refreshing myself on the football team he supports - latest results, fixtures and news so I can chat about that, along with a few other things. I would have liked a bit longer but an hour will probably be enough for him to start with.

I still haven’t heard from him. Nothing for over a month. I sent a text to his old phone just saying I’m looking forward to seeing him but I don’t know if he will have seen it.

It can be very useful to take a long a game ie playing cards, Jenga, draughts etc. You can tell him I understand you have said it's hard to visit at home, bring somewhere neutral can also feel a bit different so I brought something for us to do that means we don't have to talk about anything personal if that's not comfortable. It's surprising how much that can ease the pressure of what not to say and what to say

The game idea is a good one. What about a co-operative game, so that you both get to experience being on the same side (of something low stakes) for an hour or two?

I googled "co-operative board games for two players" and these came up as suggestions:

Forbidden Island
Codenames Duet
Pandemic
Mysterium
The Grizzled Cooperative Card Game
Dead Men Tell No Tales
Mansions of Madness
Ghost Stories

Been thinking of you OP

Your DS is so lucky to have you, I really hope he sees that soon

Yes games sound like a good plan, if there's something you can think of Purple that you used to do together, that's a lovely idea, as well as your own about chatting about his football team - that's really thoughtful.

I also like @middleeasternpromise's ideas of what to say - I would think something like this would help you both feel more at ease.

Maybe take a brochure from his last teams home game if you know anyone who would have one?
pack of cards or Uno sounds a good plan
biscuits you know he likes?

Really hope it goes ok purple. Maybe just don’t mention the GF or anything pressured at all. Just reiterate how glad you are to see him and what you have been up to- news about work etc.

Does he have a pet at your home? I was thinking you could take along a photo of the pet maybe?

Im glad something is set up for this weekend, an hour is still time together. I hope it goes well and I will be thinking of you.

I think a board game is a good idea. There are some amazing board game cafes in most cities now it might be a good place for regular meet ups that he can look forward to. Hope it goes well. ( also hope that she gets bored soon and meets someone her own age.

You no what @PurpleLampShades I was thinking the other day do you hae a pet.or ever thought of one.have you ever talked about this at home?but actually more for you at this time?
I hope it all goes OK.
And I hope this is just the beginning for you both?
Who does he support.
Also was there anything you used to laugh at or talk about together.a noisy neighbour,great uncle Sy or a squeeky floor board I the house you can say is still driving you mad?

If you don't already have a pet, maybe time for one. You must be feeling so lonely.
Hope it went okay today. I Can't imagine how hard this is for you.

Good luck Purple, we'll all be thinking of you.

Obviously we know that his 'girlfriend' is awful, due to all of the above. But you'd think if, nothing else, that the fact she's with someone that has now become so alienated from his mother, his friends, his college course that he's needed social services interaction to the point of meeting his mum at a contact centre - that you might think 'maybe this relationship is not the best thing for my (ahem) partner.' - And that social services, even the police, might then see that that in itself is somewhat proof of a coercive relationship. Ugh. I'm so sorry for you. I don't think I phrased the above very well.

Will be thinking of you and willing it to go well. I also think a game would be a good idea and take the pressure off of you both. Maybe something that could give you both a few laughs. Try not to get too despondent if he doesn't engage as well as you hope. The fact that you are there together and he sees the effort you are going to in order to see him will eventually touch his soul and remind him how loved he is X

It sounds like things are moving in the right direction. Will he have his phone with him on Saturday during your visit? It would be great if someone could see her call/message constantly when she knows he is with you.

DS will have had his first session with the college counsellor today. I really hope he actually attended and the counsellor has managed to start building a connection with him. I don’t know whether to ask DS about it on Saturday or not. I think perhaps I won’t and just let DS decide if he wants to mention it or not. I’m desperate to know if/how it’s gone but I’m going to have to quench that need aren’t I?

I’m going to take our nice chess set with me on Saturday and see if he wants to play a game. We don’t have any pets, no. Maybe I will consider one. It would be lovely companionship but I’m not sure I have the headspace to look after one properly right now though. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much so I don’t come away feeling too disappointed if it doesn’t really go well.

Same and then my heart sinks a little knowing this is going on . I feel for you so much and I think so many others do to as it’s terrifying it could be our dc .
It’s positive news though regarding Saturday a x hope all goes well . Everything crossed for you 🤞

I wouldn't ask about counselling no, let him get on with it. You'll find out at next review how many sessions he attended. Just keep it super light and easy breezy, the goal is to feel as comfortable and safe as possible. Chess is lovely. Do you have any silly games, jenga or something, where you're building it together (as opposed to being in opposition.. maybe I'm reading too much into that) but, play is very important in repairing.

Perhaps you could also make a little cake or something, if that's something you would do, to share. As many opportunities to be doing something in union with your ds, if that makes sense.

So glad you're going to be able to see him at last, OP. It'll be emotional, for sure, but I'm sure you'll feel better for it.

Taking a game with you is a super idea.

I get why you want to, but don’t ask about the counselling. This needs to be a very low stakes meet.

A rescue cat wouldn’t be too much work and would be brilliant company for you. Photos of a couple of cute kittens might tempt him home!

I’m happy to give kitten advice if you need it xxx

I just ordered an escape room in a box game thing on Amazon that we can do together instead of chess. If he likes it, I will buy more. There’s lots on there.

I’ll force myself not to mention counselling or anything like that. I’ll just keep repeating in my head ‘light and breezy, light and easy’.

Excellent mantra purple 🤗

I wouldn’t mention the counselling either. Chess and the escape room game sound great. You could chat to him about your thoughts about getting a pet, nice conversational topic.