They are putting him on a CIN plan but may escalate to CPP if there’s no improvement in the situation. SW said she had a long talk with DS yesterday and made it clear to him what needs to happen, and that there are valid concerns that the relationship has an unhealthy dynamic. She said DS was quite emotional and upset but wouldn’t open up to her about what was troubling him. It was discussed that he might be depressed / suffering with his mental health and that may be contributing to him withdrawing and isolating himself. I did point out that if he is depressed it’ll be because she’s making his life a misery and forcing the isolation by controlling, coercing and abusing him into it. For some reason they don’t seem to want to label her behaviour as abusive. They kept calling it an ‘unhealthy dynamic’ which to me insinuates that they feel DS is partly to blame. Maybe I’m just reading something into it, but that’s how it felt.
The college have concerns that DS is on the verge of dropping out completely and reported that he’s expressed fears he’s not clever enough to do his subjects. This is nonsense because he can do those subjects with his eyes closed. It’s just another thing she’s doing isn’t it? Chipping away at his confidence and self-worth. They have also said he does not engage with his peers like he used to, does not spend free periods/breaks with his peers and actively avoids the DSL, who has resorted to pulling him out of lessons for brief welfare checks. His attendance has dropped and if it goes any lower he will end up on a level 1 warning. The SW asked him about college and he reported it’s harder than he thought it would be, he’s not as clever as people have told him (meaning me I suspect) and he’s not enjoying it because it takes up too much of his time. College are going to give him some extra tutorials and a support plan to help academically.
We are going to have supported contact at a contact centre once a week because DS told the SW he doesn’t want to come to the house. I have no idea why that is but I’ll do whatever I have to in order to see and spend time with him. He agreed to using a contact centre so that’s what it’ll have to be. I think this is partly so he can tell gf he’s being forced into seeing me and using the contact centre makes that look more formal/realistic.
The college are arranging for DS to see the college counsellor weekly as part of his timetable. This counsellor apparently has experience and expertise with adolescents who have experienced trauma so hopefully they can get through to DS. I was surprised at this tbh because DS is not a talker but the SW said he’s reluctantly agreed to try it, though I suspect that’s because he doesn’t want things escalated.
He’s also being referred to another workshop/programme about relationships that the SW has told him she will be picking him up and taking him to. DS has been told these things must happen to prevent escalation to a CP plan, which could mean being made to leave her house and be placed in foster care or supported living if he doesn’t want to come home. Though they said that to him, they then said in the meeting it’s unlikely that would happen. I said what was the point of telling him that then?
SW also said that DS was insisting gf is not the reason for him being so isolated but couldn’t or wouldn’t give another explanation. He was defending her, saying how she is the only good thing in his life and how much he needs and wants to be with her. Had a reason or justification for everything. Put everything onto himself. He chose to do this and that. Gf just supports his decisions. So, again, it’s the belief that it’s actually DS making these decisions freely. I questioned this and they did admit that gf is clearly influencing him (wouldn’t call it controlling or coercing). She is going to be told she must facilitate and encourage contact with friends and family and his continued attendance and engagement at college to support him reintegrating into his normal life.
I asked if a risk assessment has been completed on her specifically and the answer is no. I asked what it will take for that to be done and was told that although there are concerns about the relationship dynamics there is no proof of abuse and for things to be escalated DS would need to voice that he is being abused or report situations that are clearly abusive. The issue is, he cannot recognise that her behaviour is abusive so of course he’s not going to report it to anyone. Its all very catch 22 and doesn’t make sense to me. I suppose it’s good they seem to be being a bit more forceful with it but I still get the feeling they don’t see it as much of an issue as I do. Maybe I’m being ungrateful. I don’t know.
I feel like DS has agreed to everything more as lip service and to stop escalation, but what I hope is that between us we can chip away at the walls she’s building around him and model what’s healthy and get him talking and understanding/recognising her behaviour for what it is.
Sorry this is really long. It does help to get it all out though. I’m meeting the football mum friend tomorrow for coffee also so I will chat to her too.