To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

Sorry not ‘respect his choices’, I should have ‘respect his right to choose’.

yep ditto.i think of you every day purple!

Ditto, Please stay strong, Love & Hugs

I also would leave a letter with the college. Don't put anything about her in it, no judgement, no guilt.

Just I hope you are okay, I love you, and I am always here. If you did come home for a cuppa we can keep the conversation light if you don't want to talk about your relationship with me I will respect that. My door is always open for you.

Maybe you could give him your email address and suggest if he wanted to he could email you with a new email address of his own, just got messaging you on via the college computers. Tell him it's just an idea and he doesn't have to but it's an option.

That kind of thing.

I think the social worker and the college safeguarding person really need to be taking this more seriously. You must be so distraught!

Those are great suggestions for a letter @Pheefifofuckthisshit. Reins it all back in and makes a simple connection again, giving him the autonomy to make the next move.
Good luck Purple, have they rescheduled the review meeting yet?

I’m so sorry this is still going on OP. It sounds as though her behaviour is more clearly coercive at this point - particularly the phone and that now it’s not possible to make contact with him (including his friends also having the same issue). I think making this clear to the social work team might be a good idea as it might enable them to step up a notch compared to the original situation.

This type of behaviour would be bad if directed at another adult, let alone a teen.

Oh purple this so devastating.

How on earth are SS not more interested in this? He’s been in a relationship with her since 15 and it has so many red flags for being abusive but they are considering closing the case?
Is there any use in taking legal advice? Not against her or your son but to put more pressure on SS? I suppose ultimately they can’t make him come home so until he asks for help they can’t do much but it really breaks my heart for you.

But surely losing all contact with your mum and your friends is seen as problematic?

I agree he needs a way of contacting you like an email or something.
Would college nominate a pastoral support person who tells DS they will pass on messages between you even just to say hi and hope he’s ok?

So glad you have some therapy in place and I hope you are also talking to your friends. Do any of DS’s friends have a Dad who could gently try and speak to him? Invite DS to a football or match or something and speak on a bloke level in some way?

Sending love to you. I often think of you and I so wish the news had been better.

Could college set him up with an entirely new
Phone.or email.something that he only uses there?keeps there.that way there is no chance she would ever find it.history,checking emails,possessions etc.
But I guess doing that he'd have to want to,think he needs to which is part of the problem right now. Argh! I don't know how it might be put that he would want that?

I’m so angry and upset on your behalf op .
it’s disgusting that it appears nothing can be done . She’s basically brainwashed him into submission, even if he wanted help he’s probably too scared because of the repercussions. what possible job does she do that she can keep tabs on him like this she must wfh or not at all it’s obsessive and very frightening.
im sorry my words aren’t a comfort , im just hopeful he will speak out at some point .

Echo what Tumbleweeder said about SS, why aren't they taking this more seriously. It's abuse of child.

So sorry purple. Sending hugs and hoping for better news soon.

I'm so sorry to hear that this is still ongoing op. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you.

The meeting has been rearranged for the 22nd. Last time the college DSL was spoken with but wasn’t at the meeting. I’m not sure if they will be there this time. I know the sw will be speaking to them though. I know DS has told the sw he doesn’t want to attend so she is going to go and see him the day before to talk about things with him. When I spoke to her she was concerned about the lack of contact so I don’t know what she’s going to do about that.
I’ve written a note to DS but haven’t decided whether to take it the college or not yet. If he doesn’t take it or read it I would be really hurt.
She has some sort of admin or pa type job and wfh most of the time I believe.

I would give the letter to your SW, not college.

I'm glad you've got a date for this, and can at least express your growing concern here. It's abundantly clear that she's now isolating him and whether he wants to hear it or not, it's not any part of a normal loving adult relationship.

Keep fighting for him. Even if it takes every last ounce of energy you have

That's not a bad idea to give it to the SW to deliver when she sees him. If you feel it's the right time. I guess everything might feel heated at the moment with the review happening and if he's angry he may not be as receptive. Giving it to the SW would leave a future potential contact through the college when things have settled down a bit. I know it would be very hard if he doesn't read it, but I guess you have to weigh up how you would feel not doing it and it potentially being a missed opportunity. Could you ask the SW what they recommend?

I wonder if the college has been able to do any group work on controlling/abusive relationships, it would be good to get some feedback from them on what they have done and how it's gone down.

I'm so sad and sorry to read your update purple. Was really hoping that he'd come back to you before long. Your heart must feel so heavy :-( still rooting for you x

oh Purple, I am so sorry this is still ongoing. I think of you often and hope that your son has come home.

I have absolutely no advice for you and pray that he comes to his senses and SW can do something to help you. He is still a child after all. I will keep everything crossed for a good outcome on 22nd for you and your son.

Sorry Purple. We are all still here for you.

How are you doing OP?

Hi purple just wanted to say good luck for tomorrow and I hope you get some support and they take the new issues like the new phone and lack of contact seriously.

At 16 he is still in the grey area of child/adult and surely there is so much evidence she is exhibiting controlling behaviour that they would be seriously remiss to ignore it.

sending strength x

I'm.just adding my thoughts, good luck wishes and support. Got teen boys myself and find this scary, frustrating and admire your ability in using time, calmness and patience.

Take care of yourself. You are important too.

Thank you. I’m really nervous about it. Not sure exactly why. I think I’m just a bit scared they’re going to say there’s nothing they can do. The sw has said that won’t happen but I still have that inkling of fear inside. She has been to see DS and the SL at the college today but I don’t know what’s been said.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow Purple. Good luck xx

I’ll be thinking of you too @PurpleLampShades

Ooh good luck Purple, not surprised your feeling nervous - perfectly natural. Really hope it goes well and they have some good news for you x