To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

X

Hey purple, I'm sorry Ive been away a while. Just caught up.

I was angry to hear the response from the sw about the adolescent team - their busyness is not your or ds' problem - he absolutely qualifies as a vulnerable young person at risk of ongoing harm. His risk hasn't changed since assessment so if they propose closure I would ask on what basis? Considering risk remains the same.

Please allow your inner assertive, loud self to come through to services. You are doing excellently in treading carefully with ds, but let the services have it. It really is a case of 'they who scream the loudest' sounds like the sw is minimising the risks which is a real shame. Could you ask to speak to their manager? You don't have to be rude about it but you deserve to be listened to if you aren't receiving the service you feel meets ds' needs.

I was in a very similar relationship to the one described here when I was a teen. I recognise and understand much of what DS is saying and may be feeling. It was all very True Love to me. If its any consolation, I grew out of that first love as I matured. Took 4 years for me. He will come back, keep the (metaphorical) door open...

Just rtft - what an awful situation to be in. I admire your strength. It must be so hard seeing him in such a way but him not seeing it.
I am sure it's only a matter of time until he sees the light.

Thinking of you purple.x

Hope you're bearing up @PurpleLampShades ?

Don't feel like you have to update us if you're taking a bit of a break to distract yourself, just know we are all here if you want to sound off x

Thinking of you❤

I really hope you are ok @PurpleLampShades

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-school-of-hard-talks/202302/the-patient-who-made-me-question-everything

Hi @PurpleLampShades I've literally just seen this article which you (and others) might find interesting. The case in focus is dealing with the hard end of mental ill health, where lack of engagement with services is the issue, but I think there are crossovers with your situation. The author makes reference to the types of skills I and others have been talking about, which perhaps are usually only given in training to specialist professionals.

It's been refreshing for me to see a professional recognise these skills are often needed by those close to the person in question and is taking steps to develop such training for families. Maybe not so directly helpful to you right now, but I hope comforting that is it seen that this is a recognised struggle, and so much more so whilst services are so limited in time that can be given. Affirming too I hope, that you are doing the right things, in laying the foundations for trust and keeping the door open for future communications. I hope you have an opportunity soon for some progress x

That's a great article @longleggitybeastie

Hi. I’m so sorry for being MIA and thank you so much for all the check ins and support offered. I’ve been trying so hard to keep it together and look after myself. I’m having counselling and am on antidepressants now.

There isn’t really any good news to update. I’ve had no contact from him for almost a month now. No replies to texts, no phone calls, no visits. I know his attendance at college has dropped but he is still going off and on. I bumped into one of his friends the other day who told me DS has a new phone that gf bought and a different number but ‘isn’t allowed’ (friends words) to give out the number to anyone so no one can get hold of him. I don’t know what’s happened to his old phone or whether he’s even seen any of my texts. His friend also said DS barely speaks to anyone at college when he’s there and is on the phone to her whenever he’s not in lessons.

The review meeting was supposed to be yesterday but it was cancelled and hasn’t been rearranged yet. I don’t know if he has gone to those workshops or not. I feel like I’ve lost my son tbh.

@PurpleLampShades this update is so concerning. My heart breaks for you. I can’t believe social services aren’t taking this more seriously. She has truly groomed & isolated this young boy. I have no more advice for you, but support & love.

Oh Purple you must be beside yourself

I am so pleased you've got some counselling though, I really hope it's helpful.

It sounds like the college safeguarding lead hasn't got anywhere either? Do they know about the phone situation? I'm quite liking the idea of leaving a burner phone for him with them, but I guess it's all down to whether he feels like he needs/wants it. Perhaps it would be good for them to have one there they can offer if they feel they're making progress with him in the future?

Really hope the review meeting happens soon, how disappointing for it to be cancelled. This all sounds very important for them to be up to date with.

Out of interest, is the college involved with the review meeting? In an ideal world the SL and SW would be working together...

Oh @PurpleLampShades I feel like words are so trite and meaningless to you at the moment, but please try to take some comfort from the fact there are strangers on the internet who are thinking of you. I do hope the counselling and antidepressants are helping take the edge off the pain you must be going through. Is there anyway you could pass a letter through the safeguarding lead at college, just to remind him you are still here, you do still love him and are keeping the door open for him. Do you know why the meeting was cancelled? It surely can’t be acceptable that they will just leave a sixteen year old boy with someone who is clearly manipulative and controlling and potentially extremely abusive without at least checking in on him?

Such a sad update purple. I think writing him a letter and giving it to college to pass onto him is a good idea. Even if it's just to say that you want him to know he can always come home. You could also give him your phone number again if you're worried he doesn't have it anymore. Glad to know that you are in counselling and taking steps to look after yourself.

Yep, good idea about a note. If you think a burner phone would help, you could include that in the note maybe? That is there if he needs it.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

I can't even begin to imagine how this feels.

oh purple, im so sorry there is still no resolution and her grip is tighter now too. I have been thinking of you and hoping there was a positive chat at least with your son.

I am pleased you are having counselling. Please know I am thinking of you and hope for your son to come home very soon.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I genuinely feel gutted for you. I just hope in time your son will start to have the veil removed from his eyes and you will get him back.

This is so sad.

I wonder what this woman's family and friends make of this relationship? If it was anyone in my family or friendship group, I would be asking them if they really felt it was appropriate to be in this sort of relationship with a child.

I am so sorry OP. The way she has succeeded in isolating him is unbelievable.

If the meeting does go ahead, surely something can be done. Its so unjust that she's got free reign to cut him off from friends and family.

I hope you find comfort in counselling

I no you probably can't bare to hear this from a tit on the Internet but we are with you @PurpleLampShades .and I'm not going to give up that one day he comes back to you.

Hi@PurpleLampShades Been here since your original post.
I too concur with@kateandme
We are all with you. I often think about you and your son and how you've kept it together and basically bent over backwards to do the right thing.
I hope the counselling helps and your son will hopefully see the light. Leaving a letter at college for him is a good idea. He can read it in private and see how desperate this situation has become that this is the only way you have now in contacting him. A mother never gives up I've been there with my son tho different situation. It's in our DNA to protect our children with every breath in our body. Sending you a big hug and do look after yourself.x

You have been doing everything possible to reach him and make him see the threat to his wellbeing and his future. It seems the harder you try, the more he pulls away.

I think it’s in human nature to take the ‘other’ role, if you see what I mean. If you chase, he flees. Whereas if you stop chasing, would it increase the chance of him taking you more seriously. After all, mum’s always there running after him, worried out of her mind, so he takes you for granted.

If you tell him explicitly and matter-of-factly that you are no longer going to chase him, that you’re going to respect his choices but he has to take the consequences…also that since you don’t agree with his choices you can’t in good conscience financially enable him, then he might wake up a bit.

It’s heartbreaking for a mother to do, but none of your actions in your multiple posts seem to have had the effect you want. You’re getting more desperate and wound up. I’d counsel retreating and holding your nerve.

❤️💐