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Original poster

To think someone must be able to do something - part two

1000 replies

PurpleLampShades · 14/11/2022 19:22

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

OP posts:
Pinkyandtwerky · 20/01/2023 07:06

How are you purple? Any news on whether DS will be visiting tonight? I’m so sorry it’s been so hard and you must still be processing his last visit. It’s impossible for you to know what angle to take and all you can do is try what feels best in the moment.
I know you must be quashing your desire to just grab him and run far away. Hope the SW contact hasn’t unsettled him and you and he can have a nice relaxed evening tonight. Keeping everything crossed for you both.

SouperNoodle · 21/01/2023 14:08

Hope you're doing ok OP and I hope he came over last night xxx

TotallyScouting · 21/01/2023 18:16

I thought of you yesterday and crossed my fingers that he came, that it was calmer and you both had a better time. Hope you are okay.

Jaxinthebox · 22/01/2023 08:03

Was thinking of you on Friday, I hope he came over.

Trampslikeu · 22/01/2023 16:35

Love & Hugs I hope you are ok

MaryDerry · 22/01/2023 17:58

I've just read this thread and as mum to teenage boys its made me shudder and sending you a huge hug.

longleggitybeastie · 22/01/2023 19:24

Hope you're doing okay @PurpleLampShades sorry to read it didn't go so well last time. Really hope you've better news this week.

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 23/01/2023 15:20

Hi. Sorry for the lack of posts. There’s not much news other than I haven’t seen or heard from DS since he visited on the 13th. I sent one text last Wednesday and have forced myself not to send anymore. I’ll send another one this Wednesday I think. I spoke to the college DSL who said DS is actively avoiding them so hasn’t managed to speak to him yet. SW has been to see them again and reiterated he needs to maintain contact but he has told her he doesn’t want to until I’m ‘nicer to gf’. They supposedly compromised on things so he agreed to attend one of the workshop things they want him to on the condition he doesn’t have to visit me. SW has told me to give him some space and try again in a few weeks. We have a review meeting beginning of Feb. I have no idea what will happen. They’ll probably just close the case.

OP posts:
Pinkyandtwerky · 23/01/2023 15:52

Oh goodness purple your heart must be breaking. Have you got friends supporting you? You really need that and it could be worth accessing some more formal therapy sessions maybe?

I hope he comes round soon even if just to say a quick hi.

Are you even allowed to let him know you miss him? It feels such a tightrope you are on I can’t even imagine how you are feeling.

Huge hugs from here.

7eleven · 23/01/2023 17:01

Oh bless you. There’s dozens of us supporting you. A text once a week is a good idea. Stay in touch, whilst letting him possibly miss you.

Dwrcegin · 23/01/2023 18:15

Oh OP I am so sorry. That must have been very hard to hear from the SW.
I've no idea how you've managed to cope thus far. You've been marvellously patient and not lost it with his gf. Honestly, I take my hat off to you.

Agreeing to go to one of the workshops is good news, maybe once he has been to one he'll attend another. Might help him see her behaviour for what it is, even thought the trade off is not seeing you at the moment.

I do hope you are speaking to friends about it and keeping in touch with his friends parents for some support Flowers

rainbowruthie · 23/01/2023 18:22

How utterly heart-breaking for you, I'm so sorry, sending kind thoughts to you Flowers

longleggitybeastie · 23/01/2023 18:29

So sorry to hear that. At least he's agreed to go to the workshop, but I guess it'll be playing on your mind if he goes or not. Do you know when it is? Maybe at some stage you could thank him for agreeing to it and say it will just give you a bit of peace of mind if he goes, and you'll back off. All you want is for him to be happy and progressing in life etc and you just worry because you love him. You're always here when and if he needs etc. Really hope the college do some stuff in class - might be the only sure way at this stage.

Justalittlebitfurther · 23/01/2023 18:43

So sorry to hear this @PurpleLampShades sending you unmumsnetty hugs 💐

Jaxinthebox · 23/01/2023 20:48

Im so sorry to read your latest update. I do hope things improve for you. Sounds like gf is piling on the pressure.

keepcalm11 · 24/01/2023 08:15

So sorry hear about this setback Purple, sending best wishes to you.

Badger1970 · 24/01/2023 10:23

I'm so sorry to hear this.

But he's going to college, so this is a huge positive and he's away from her for those hours.. at least there's some normality in his life and don't underestimate the influence of his peers.

You don't have to be nice to her at all, and it shows his immaturity that he thinks you do.

Pinkyandtwerky · 26/01/2023 00:06

Hope you felt able to make contact today purple?

I was thinking about you earlier and thinking if I was in your shoes I’m not sure I could stop myself telling DS that I was sad and I missed him and was confused how quickly it all seems to have gone so wrong.

I expect that is contrary to the advice but I am just so bad at holding back I know I wouldn’t be able to stop myself and it does seem just devastating how quickly he’s got completely wrapped up in this controlling relationship and how many rules there seem to be about how you behave (enforced by him no doubt under pressure from her) .
Can he really genuinely think you aren’t hurting hugely about all this? I suspect he doesn’t want to face that fact.

Anyway suffice to say you are incredible just staying consistent and strong for him.

Jaxinthebox · 26/01/2023 20:30

hey @PurpleLampShades how are you doing?

Bankofrave · 29/01/2023 19:58

@PurpleLampShades just checking in to say hope you are ok?

TotallyScouting · 29/01/2023 20:31

@PurpleLampShades I am guessing things haven’t been great, though I dearly hope I am wrong. Please take care of yourself and fill your days with things you enjoy. In the long term I have faith that this will be fine, but teenagers are tricksy beasts so in the meantime indulge yourself and do literally whatever it takes to make yourself feel better 💐

kateandme · 30/01/2023 06:24

Pinkyandtwerky · 26/01/2023 00:06

Hope you felt able to make contact today purple?

I was thinking about you earlier and thinking if I was in your shoes I’m not sure I could stop myself telling DS that I was sad and I missed him and was confused how quickly it all seems to have gone so wrong.

I expect that is contrary to the advice but I am just so bad at holding back I know I wouldn’t be able to stop myself and it does seem just devastating how quickly he’s got completely wrapped up in this controlling relationship and how many rules there seem to be about how you behave (enforced by him no doubt under pressure from her) .
Can he really genuinely think you aren’t hurting hugely about all this? I suspect he doesn’t want to face that fact.

Anyway suffice to say you are incredible just staying consistent and strong for him.

I agree with this.especially emotional me and my mum are together.soppy gits.
It's like op is being abused and down trodden herself! Told how she is to be,feel,what's acceptable. And that NOT acceptable.
He does not get to control your behaviour op and I'd be careful of that. There's a line and I no your so frightened of where to be on it.

kateandme · 30/01/2023 06:27

TotallyScouting · 29/01/2023 20:31

@PurpleLampShades I am guessing things haven’t been great, though I dearly hope I am wrong. Please take care of yourself and fill your days with things you enjoy. In the long term I have faith that this will be fine, but teenagers are tricksy beasts so in the meantime indulge yourself and do literally whatever it takes to make yourself feel better 💐

Ditto to this.we are all still here. Thinking of you often.
And yes to doing anything and everything that you want or need to do right now.
You kust keep going.dont lose yourself op. Don't let this woman abuse you too and destroy your own sense of self,what you love and how you love to live.
Win by living as they say

ColaBottlesYum · 30/01/2023 07:53

He will come back to you one day. I guess he needs to just come to this decision himself. I am sorry OP. He knows where you are and love him. You are doing so well. How are you in yourself?

Bankofrave · 01/02/2023 17:00

Are you ok @PurpleLampShades ?

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