To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

Last night we had friends round, ate some takeaway, had a few drinks and a goo laugh together, played silly card games and it was great fun. I relaxed for the first time in a while (partner going through cancer diagnosis and many other stressors at the moment) but I thought of you and hoped that your son came over and you had a nice time.

I wish I could do something to help your situation, please keep posting here - you are being so strong.

I do hope your son realises soon that this relationship is abusive and comes back to you - or another relative away from this woman.

Huge unmumsnet hugs to you, you are handling this so graciously, I fear I would lose my cool big time with her.

hope you saw DS last night. Keep plodding on OP, think the contact with his friends parents will be really useful.

bbc have a set of clips telling a coercive control story that is aimed at 15-17 year olds. Might be helpful?

Hope your ok and having an ok weekend.just checking in.

Another just checking in that you're OK.

Thinking of you hope you are ok
Hugs

Just another stranger on the internet, thinking of you and hoping that you got to see your son this weekend 💐

Thank you for the well wishes. Unfortunately the visit didn’t go too well. He was here less than an hour, wasn’t happy I brought up his friends and the issue with the partner and gf not liking it. He had a bit of a meltdown at me, and although his words and anger were directed at me I think he just needed to get out some anxiety and frustration. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.

He said gf looks at and answers his phone because he lets her, that he wants to swap partners at college, that he wants to spend time with her over other people and she cares about him more than anyone else does, including me. That when you’re in a relationship you have to make sacrifices and he wants to do that for her. He is hers and he likes it that way and he can’t deal with me trying to ruin everything for him. He then said he doesn’t want to keep visiting if this is how it’s going to be and if college won’t let him swap partners then he’ll just quit. He was just rambling at this point, verging on losing it. You know when their voice catches and wobbles? He was at that point.

Then he just said he had to go because I’m making it too hard to visit and I need to stop trying to control him. So he just left. I had to let him go. I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I don’t know what to do. The sw is supposed to be going to see him in the next week or so. He’ll be angry at that too, it’ll be my fault. I am really upset, angry, disappointed, I don’t know. I’m scared. He really doesn’t see it. Maybe he doesn’t want to see it. I will text him in a few days, give some time for us both to cool off.

Oh Purple I’m so sorry. That’s so upsetting. I wonder if you need to change tack a bit now and give him what he wants: space.

When I was in a similar, but different, situation with my adult daughter, I sent her a simple “I love you and I’m here” text at the same time every week and didn’t engage any further with her.

I found when I tried to reason with her it made her worse, like she had something to kick back to, so I stopped filling the space, which forced her to deal with whatever was actually wrong.

Consider giving your son what he says he wants. When he’s got it, he’s got nothing to push against you with. He might find it’s not what he wants after all.

I know he’s young, but he’s treating you badly. Put boundaries in place. Xxx

Oh gosh, that sounds an upsetting visit for both of you.

He is on the defensive, and even though he must know deep down that this relationship is every level of wrong, he's not in the place to start talking about any of this yet. I think like the above poster said maybe not talk about her at all next time, and just try to strengthen your mother and son bond. Make yourself and your home his safe space once more. I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling

@PurpleLampShades you're being very brave. It may come as little comfort and the situations are a little different but I was in the hands of a controlling man when I was younger. Thought he was everything and when I did I turned my parents away. Thought they were interfering and wanted them to just leave me alone with my man. The more they pushed the more I moved away from them. But no matter what, they were always my parents. Even though I knew he was bad news I pushed back because it felt like my decision was taken away from me and I couldn't turn to them because they didn't believe in me and didn't get me.

But in the end I came back to them. I was always theirs really, I just wanted to prove everyone wrong. In the end I realised you can't when that person is just a bad egg but it was only when it was my own decision (not those who encouraged) that I could see the light.

Now, I have a great relationship with my mum with all we went through. She's my best friend and we talk daily despite what I put her through.

I'm telling you this really for 2 reasons

1. Don't push your DS. I say this totally without judgment as I get you completely but the more you put your feelings on him, the harder it will be for him to come back when he realises (and he will) that he's messed up. He needs to know you're there forever, no judgment. It's clear you are from your posts, he just needs to see that.
2. It can't be your decision. As much as you know it's the right one, he will need to make that himself. Just be there to hold his hand when he gets there.

I think really you know all this and you're trying to do it. The point of my message really is to say that when you think you're getting it wrong, you're most probably not. You're letting him know you love him. That's important. And most of all, it's to give you faith that there is some coming back from this. It may feel far away but it is not impossible. Wishing you love, strength and brighter days x

"she cares about him more than anyone else does, including me."

This is so abusive and her trying to isolate him. I know this part well.
My DS girlfriend wouldn't like him going anywhere with us and when we started going without him she would tell him 'see, the clearly don't want you there/care about you'.

My counsellor used to tell me (paraphrasing here) that your bond as a mother has been formed and established during their early years. Those bonds can't be broken.
No matter how many fights we had, and as much as he denied it, deep down he knew that we would always be there for him. That's why it was easier to push us away as he knew our bond could never be broken no matter what and he couldn't say the same for him and GF, it was easier to keep her happy.

Op I am sure you mean well but you seem to want to control him just as much

He is a person in his own right

are you the gf? Do be quiet, this is a chid in a relationship with a very controlling older woman! And a mother at her wits end trying to protect her child from abusive controlling girlfriend. RTFT

@PurpleLampShades ignore wandawonder and keep on making a note of everything. I think you could do with some professional help here - counsellor, GP etc.

OP is not trying to control him, he is a 16 year old child being isolated and controlled by a woman in her mid 20s.
OP I'm sorry the visit didn't go well. That when you’re in a relationship you have to make sacrifices... Wonder where he got that from? I hope the SW and college can help him see the gf for what she is.

The hardest part when I left my abusive ex was that my parents weren't there for me.
I walked out multiple times yet kept going back, because in my mind I wasn't leaving him we'd simply had an argument. To all my friends who hated him they got so fed up they stopped answering when I called.
My parents had long stopped answering.
It took an aunt to come get me and try to convince my Mum I needed help...
It sounds as though he really is in deep and no amount of persuasion from you or anyone will help him, he's going to have to do this on his own.
Maybe it's time to say "You've asked for space so I'm giving you space, however I will always be here for you" then follow with a regular simple text saying 'love you'

In the mean time, please please engage with as much help for you as possible because giving him space when all you want to do is scream at her and bring him home is going to be incredibly challenging. Take care of yourself

Hugs OP. I am so impressed with how you are handling this. Well done xxx

Sorry to hear the last visit did not go well. It's just one blip and hopefully things will settle down - do not worry that it is irrevocable now, it isn't.

@workworkworkugh at the risk of derailing the thread: I remember your threads and hope that things are better now. Having been in the same place as op quite recently you have a lived experience of what she is going through so any advice you give would be invaluable.

Ah I’m sorry it didn’t go well @PurpleLampShades Perhaps this is the time to have a conversation where you say you’re giving him all the space he needs whilst very strongly letting him know that, no matter how or when he ever needs you, your door will never be closed because you love him and want him to be happy. If hes happy, you’re there and if he’s ever not happy, you’ll be there for him too. Request that he makes some regular contact with you and tell him you’ll check in with him regularly. But you’re giving him the space he needs.

I’m not sure you have any alternatives now but softening your approach. I’m so sorry, he’s seems almost bewitched with her. It’s not throwing the towel in by any measure, but you’d just be ensuring that he doesn’t see you as ‘their enemy’ and so you’re keeping an ‘in’ there.

Yes this to me was him saying everything HE'S thinking but can't say to anyone but you.his mum.his wall.shelter.safe space. And you did well so well to let him.
I can NOT imagine your pain right now.
Let him.be angry. The way he was is exactly how I was at my mum.and seriously I just needed to do it to let out the hurt,to see her hurt,to see anyone hold what I couldn't.to collapse onto someone else before the pressure in my head got too much.whilst also painting I totally believed it.
You are his best friend.nothing iv e seen even in your latest visit contradicts my belief of that.

So if say as other just go back a bit.be soft.be his softness. Maybe text with " I hope your ok.i love you more than words.never forget that.i listened and heard everything you said son and so let's just be us yes.mum and son.and your visits can be just that.pizza tv chill.no judgments.just binge on crap nights. Something obviously in yours and his language but along the lines of you moving,hearing,understanding,but still keeping those visits open and on.

Because equally he will be like ANY child with a parent be pushing pushing pushing and needing to make sure or see when you will be break.so it can excuse, co operate all his reasons for his anger and pain(And her abusive worm words) so you don't want her or him to see you have left.or see you don't care etc.
Hard fucking balance.

We are all still here.i hope we can be helpful.many of us from the start and biting our own nails to the quik with you.and holding you up when you feel it's too much.do not hesitate to come to us.

Do you have real time support.i no u have mentioned a few friend.but fanily or friends who you can literally die on to offload all this to.
We are here though.anytime.all the time.

What a lovely post @kateandme . I agree, he’s angry with you because he can be angry at you. Because you are his unconditional safe space. Hopefully now he has that off his chest, he will return this week and you can just do a movie and takeout or something you know he loves. Don’t forget to look after yourself too OP 💐

Sorry to hear about your last visit. It's good to ask him about the situation from time to time but I wouldn't ask him any difficult questions again next week, you deserve to just have a nice couple of hours together next time. I bet he will still come.

Sorry for linking to the Daily Mail but it just shows that society doesn't see young boys being groomed in the same way as it does young girls.....

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11640603/Mother-3-groomed-15-year-old-boy-sexual-relationship-spared-jail.html

Phew! Finally finished reading these threads.

Looking at where things are in the present he must as I said feel constantly fought over and torn in two directions. It's an impossible situation and one where he can't choose either without the other being hurt.

My concern would be that if the constant pressure doesn't ease up, how long will it be before she/he decides that the only way they can truly be happy is if he just leaves college and they both move away together without telling anyone where they are?

Ultimately it is incredibly unlikely this relationship will last because they are at different stages in life and will want different things at different times, but when they do split up he is going to need a place he can go to that he doesn't feel alienated from. There may come a point of no return where he feels home is no longer that place for him.

It really does sound like space may be the only option left now, for the moment at least.