To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

Next time he comes cpuld you say his mate got in touch( rang home phone) and asked if they could pop round. And either gauge his reaction or saybyouve said he's here Fridays so they might pop in( you having told them to come for deffinite) you no him would once they are there he actually really enjoy it. Or could you ask them to call at such a time,he'd be there you pass the gone over and they can then ask him if they can come.
Trying to think of ways it could happen?
Do u no her address?would his mates rocking up there do it.i mean thete his mates no problem right? And whatever her reaction would be would be HER problem as they are his mates no?

Could you invite them both to stay because you no"poor bitchface doesn't like to be on her own" nice nice say you could have a take out.then nice breakie and a walk.or does he like mum's roasts?you could ask if they wanted to both come for one?always using both.

I’m very much doubt purple wants to invite them to stay over as a couple of the horrible comments the GF made about sleeping in DS childhood bed. And to me his home with purple needs to stay a sanctuary for his headspace and paces especially after this all ends

personally purple I would be very wary of telling lies as some are suggesting about his friends etc. You have always been honest with DS and he can trust that - if he thinks you are playing games then he may get scared and back off

I think you are doing it all right. Playing it softly and gently and being his safe place but just asking the questions or pushing things ever so slightly to keep him thinking about how wrong his situation is.

I hope you hear from him this Wednesday.

Yes I think you're right @Rabbitsandhabits . Trust is all in his situation. Just to be clear I wasn't suggesting OP lies, though appreciate it could read like that. My "in an ideal world" was meant as just that - that it would be something that evolves naturally, without pressure, manipulation or commitment, but even that runs the risks he might feel unfairly exposed.

OP I cannot imagine how you are feeling. I wonder if everyone would be more concerned if it was a 16 year old female. 😔

You've had lots of good advice and I think you're doing great.

Something to ask college about. In most schools, colleges, children's centres etc they have posters in the toilets about abusive/controlling relationships. I've always wondered if they have them in the boys/mens loos too.

I'd ask college if they put these posters in the loos and if so, can they please please make sure they're in the toilets your DS uses.

Same with football if they have changing rooms, toilets, lockers, showers etc. Not sure if they do or if they just turn up in their kit. Perhaps if there's no changing facilities and the team coach has a FB page he could share some info on there periodically.

It definitely sounds like she's tracking his movements and communication.

I've only read your posts on both threads not everyone's. My huge concern here would be even longer term. Pregnancy. If he has a child with her she will ALWAYS have her claws in him as she'll have a child as a pawn which doesn't bear thinking about. 😢

I had an unhealthy relationship as a teen but my boyfriend was only one year older. He manipulated situations though were I ended up pregnant. Thankfully I had the foresight to have a termination and I've never regretted it. I already was feeling stifled and tense etc and I knew deep down it wasn't healthy how he acted.

I really hope your DS sees sense soon and is brave enough to break away. I think another thing as a teen in this situation is the element of pride of not wanting to admit the person they fell head over heels for is "no good".

Have the police not even TRIED to investigate the pre16 stuff? They've just taken their word for it?!

Does he know what co-receive control is? Is there a chance you might be able to explain to him.

Can you arrange to go see him at college, set up a meeting with his tutor and you be there without him knowing until he walks in room?

If all else fails, bend over backwards to be her friend, that's not what she wants if she wants to isolate him but extend the hand of friendship, coffee, dinner? Just keep trying so that you maintain contact.

I feel your pain. I've not seen my son for 5 years and now he's married her and has two children!

I dont think people are suggesting bad things @Rabbitsandhabits rather tbeyve followed the desperation of the op and want to do anything for help. There's all sorts we as parents sometimes have to do when situations get grave.they might not all be black and white ideal,but we are past ideal here.but I get what you mean about needing to keep it his safe place.

I think overall honesty is best purple, and that's with respect to telling him how you are feeling as much as anything else. You could ask him how he thinks the time spent with you is going? That you're finding it stressful to know how best to make the most of the time you have with him. That you want to see him in happy and healthy relationships, and that includes with his friends and you as well? Perfectly okay to tell him you know he's growing up and needs to make his own decisions and you want to help him with that, but that you will always worry - it's your job! Sometimes you need reassurance from him that his relationships feel healthy to him. Can he help you understand how he feels coming to see you is going, what things you could do together, would he like his friends over? Aim to help him come up with solutions with you, rather than present them to him. Sorry, probably teaching you to suck eggs, but I know it's easy to lose sight when the pressure to builds x

Thanks everyone for your posts and thoughts/advice. I’m going to broach the friends things with him in person when I next see him. Especially after what I’ve been told today. I phoned and spoke to some the parents of his main friendship group earlier this week. They were all lovely and some already had some idea of what has been happening. A couple said they would speak to their DC to try and find any info out. Anyway, I had a phone call from the mum of one of the boys DS has been friendly with for a good few years today.

Apparently this term in one of their lessons they’ve been given a partner to work with on practical elements and they have to produce a joint assignment. DS has apparently been paired with a girl and gf has now found out and kicked off about it, so DS is desperately trying to swap partners, which has upset the girl he’s partnered with as they are supposed to be friends. So partner isn’t speaking to DS, and neither are her friends. The mums DS also told her that my DS wasn’t at any parties or get togethers over the Christmas holidays and he always says no to everything because of gf. So it seems DS wasn’t being truthful when he told me he’d been to a few get togethers. None of DS’s friends have properly met gf and they all thought it was really cool at first that he was dating this attractive older woman but don’t anymore, because he’s completely under the thumb. Obviously, I’m being told this information second/third hand so might not be all that accurate but it does help paint a picture.

I’ve also spoken to the sw who said she’s going to make some time in her diary to go and see DS and find out how things are going. I asked about the adolescent specialist team and she said she could try and get them involved but they are even busier than she is so I’m not holding my breath for that one. She is going to push him to go to these workshop things and give him some written info about healthy relationships. She was going on about teenagers that become infatuated with someone and think they’re in love but I feel it’s more than that. Gf is abusive. It’s not just teen infatuation.

And, I also managed to catch up with the DSL at the college who confirmed they do give some input about relationships, sexual health etc and will look at targeting DS’s year group in particular. The DSL is also going to make time to catch up with DS.

I’ve been trying to find a quiz to do with him about abusive relationships. I read in another thread the mum had done this with her son who was in a similar situation though they were the same age. I wonder if it would open his eyes a bit and open a conversation. At the moment he shuts down anything like that pretty quickly. He thinks he knows what grooming and coercive control is but I don’t think he does really. He certainly can’t recognise it.

I wake up in a sweat thinking about the risk of her getting pregnant. He knows about protection. I just hope to god he’s using it and she hasn’t persuaded him not to. I’ve mentioned it to him a few times now and he shuts that down too.

Sorry this is so long. It’s been good to get everything out though. I live in hope of a good nights sleep. Haven’t heard from him yet though there’s still time for him to phone.

Oh OP that's all so sad. Your poor DS!
Thank god his friends mum got in touch to talk to you about it all.
I pray that DS opens his eyes soon and leaves that horrible girl.

DS has apparently been paired with a girl and gf has now found out and kicked off about it,

So that is why shes really meeting him for lunch? Good lord what a controlling, abusive dickhead. So glad you have had contact with his friends parents and the social worker. At least you have information coming your way, which might help at some point.

Sorry OP this is really difficult. I’m glad you’ve got some information finally though. I hope this helps funnel some support to your son.

A picture is emerging of GF.

Those around DS have cottoned on and it's only a matter of time before DS does too.

Stay strong OP and keep in touch with us, we are here to spport you.

Gosh, just a quick well done from me for following all of that up Purple, that's good work. So glad the college is going to target some stuff at his year group and the social worker is going to try again. I wonder if the DSL will be able to chat to him directly about the issues in class with the girl partner, that might be a way in for them to connect with him. I'll have everything crossed they can make some progress. Meanwhile you just keep loving him as you are and being that safe place. If she's pissed off with him it would be lovely to think this might come to a head sooner rather than later.

Hopefully you don't feel so alone with it now. I think it's just going to be a matter of keep chipping away like this and everyone around him keep working at it. Take some time to rest if you can x

Also wondering if @boomoohoo might have some resources or ideas about quizzes or how you can approach this with him.

You are handling this so well, @PurpleLampShades . It must be so hard to stay calm when he's being manipulated by this woman, who frankly sounds totally messed up.

I absolutely take my hat off to you. And I'm sure this "relationship" won't last and that he'll see her for what she is, and just hope that day comes soon.

I don't know if you feel it, Purple, but you sound more empowered and positive with this message, despite further evidence of her behaviour. I'm not sure it's because you've simply found out more or getting off your chest the reality of the situation to others has felt a relief. But either way I would say really well done and strongly encourage you now to maintain the connects with the other mums.

Not sure what others think but perhaps the girl at school is something to bring up with him if he comes on Friday? "X's mum has contacted me and said you've been mean to her, she's terribly upset, what's going on?" Could be an in-route to a wider conversation (and re-establishes you as a mum playing a mum's role in his life)?

Oh god catching up about that woman answering his phone and isolating him at lunchtime from his friends and kicking off about him working with a girl, I could claw her eyes out!

Do you think it would be worth contacting college and letting them know about the GF kicking off about his being partnered with a girl and given the bigger picture asking them for their support to keep him paired with the girl?

crossing everything that the light is dawning for your boy. It sounds as if chinks are getting in.

Really hope you hear from him this evening. If not yet, I would perhaps go with a simple text to him ask if he knows yet whether he can come, and just say you know it's difficult for him, ideally you want to know in advance of a visit, but want him to know you're always here for him if he needs you, whatever he's got going on. Something like that.

I echo what PP upthread have said - college should know she is attempting to manipulate his behaviour in school and control who he works with as perhaps that could be addressed sensitively by the teacher in question. A text like last week, asking what he wants for dinner (thereby making it tricky for him to let you down) would probably be a worthwhile idea too. Hoping you are able to get some rest and take care of yourself, but if he does make it this week, it probably wouldn’t hurt to show him vulnerable you are feeling too.

@PurpleLampShades I've kept looking since we messaged and I can't find the exact quiz that we did.
I remember googling for days, at the time, and found one I thought would be good. I saved it but it's since disappeared.

I remember talking to DS at the time of doing the quiz and I asked him hypothetically, if I had a new boyfriend and he did these things to me (I was specific at the time) what would DS think and that made him look at the situation a bit more objectively.
Didn't change anything for a while but it made him think about his situation.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

There's this one but it may not be quite right

What is in this for her.because they dont even sound bloody happy.i nonabisers don't need a reason.but she must have alot of bloody issues.
Your d's needs his confidence back.his esteem.even if not around domestic abuse itself just some significant self care and worth.so he's not so manuable and vulnerable.so he can't put his head above this water.this whole she's plunged him into.
Has he been confident before all this or always sensitive.feeling?

@PurpleLampShades is the GF atillxreateicting phone access? Could you provide him with an old phone & pay as you go sim card (do they still exist), a phone he can keep in a locker at college, that he can use to maintain contact with you and his friends during college? He can drop it to you on a Friday? For charging, increased data etc?

You are coming across as so remarkably brave and so calm - although I know at times you won't feel like that.

Kicking off about DS working with a female partner on a project should raise so many flags with school, I am so glad you've been in frequent contact with them.

Are the parents of DS' friends able to help persuade their DC to offer up further invites to your DS, get him away for an overnight or a day at least? Is it worth putting something in place next Friday with some of the parents and their DCs, a gathering, or get together, pizza and wine at yours, to bring him out of her clutches?

Ugh that woman is so unhinged.

Op, just a thought I had. My friend fell out with her stepdad and moved out at a relatively young age and then never went home again, not because she didn't make up with her parents but because after moving out she didn't want to go back. She lived in a horribly mouldy room in a shared house and felt that was better than having to live under the rules of mum and stepdad again rather than being a grown up with independence.

I'm just telling you this because it might be worth saying something to your son like
"Now that you've moved out, if you ever came home again I wouldn't be able to ground you like a child" make him feel like you see him as more of an adult? And like he would be treated as one if he came home. It sounds like this woman is causing him loads of stress so hopefully he will decide he can't put up with it anymore.