To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

I have been following this thread and glad to find the 2nd one. It's awful and I really feel for you. It sounds like she's a vile nasty piece of work. Have you asked SW if they have done a police background check on her? They should have done but sometimes it's worth checking.
Loads of hugs

I think based on that I’d want to check he’s definitely attending college, just in case the notification has slipped through the cracks.

I did phone the college but the DSL wasn’t available. They did confirm he attended today. I don’t know why he wouldn’t have taken his phone though.

I’ve told a couple of friends a little of what has been happening. The football mum I had coffee with messages me every now and then to ask how things are. We don’t have much family and they live quite a way away. We don’t see them or speak much so I don’t really want to reach out to them tbh.

Oh my heart absolutely goes out to you 💐. It may or may not comfort you to know that our just sixteen year old (perfectly well behaved until he met his new girlfriend) has given us several sleepless nights over Christmas and left us sick with worry. It is not a fraction of what you have been going through, but I thought it might give you some solace to know that other sixteen year olds are putting their parents through the mill too. You are coping so well. Perhaps text this evening to see if he is coming tomorrow? Maybe even drop in that you tried calling earlier (as I bet she won’t tell him). If it is just that he left his phone at home he should be able to answer now? And as you didn’t see him last week hopefully he will be wanting to see you too…As an aside, this is a bit left field, but I came close to a breakdown a few years ago and found that yoga helped me stay on top of everything-just online not in a class as I couldn’t face people. A youtuber I follow called Adrienne has just released a free beginners series for January (she does this every year and it has been a god send for my mental health) which might help you cope at the end of the day and get a good night’s sleep. Just a thought….

@PurpleLampShades I'm gutted for you that the foul witch answered his phone today. I can't believe he would have accidentally left it at her house - I would imagine it was "misplaced" so he had to leave without it. It further isolates him from you and his mates which is essentially what she's trying to do.

As another PP has suggested it might be worth dropping a text or WhatsApp saying "I called earlier - I would imagine X told you - just wondering what you fancy for dinner tomorrow?" And then leave it at that. Hopefully the simple fact that you are expecting him might mean he feels like coming. You could even say "would you both like to come" as although it would be hellish, it might mean that you definitely see him.

I agree with PP to text or message to ask what he would like to eat. It worries me that she had his phone, I hope it isn't another method of control and isolation that she has his phone while he is out. I wonder whether you could set up emailing him on his college email address? Any method that she can't see or control.

Do your friends know he's moved out?

Honestly OP I think you need to start leaning on your real life support network a bit more. Not least because there might then be some community pressure from other avenues on DS to extract himself.

My sense is your keeping this quite under wraps, maybe subconsciously hoping it can all be sorted out without anyone knowing and go back to normal? But I think you need some help for yourself now, there's absolutely no shame in that

@PurpleLampShades an article popped up on my Facebook feed which made me think of you https://www.kentlive.news/news/kent-news/kent-teachers-banned-classrooms-2022-7996400. These are teachers who presumably have it drilled into them whilst training about inappropriate relationships. These are the ones who have been caught so how many skate under the radar and that's just in one county. I am shocked about everything you are going through and how little can be done for early intervention. Sending

I think I agree with this more and more in this situation especially.its almost like it's hidden.and it shouldn't be. This needs tel life support and real life people knowing about this.abd yes in the short term could that feel pressure on the d's,maybe.but fuck.id because I think real life others are the only ones from now whonare going to get him this we the reality of th situation and or support you op.
Because noones doing anything.but does anyone no the situation in its entirety.its like every section in this knows the little bits they are privy to. But it needs team work.local support. Him and this woman are in a bubble right now with her pulling the strings. And she needs to no his fanily and friends wont allow it. And you op need a tag team.

I'd also be very pointed with sw and say what would you be doing if the genders were reversed? What would the college be doing.

Good on you for asking help op.the pills might take the edge of or at least allow your head to have some downtime.some rest from it.
As long as work is helping,don't burn out though. Even if you just need a few days to sleep! Or book into a spa.seriosuly go to Greece on top of a mountain and be loved and pampered by yogis lol.

I’d approach the college DSL again and leave a pay as you go mobile phone with them (with your numbers saved on it) so that your DS knows he can contact you on that. He may not initially but I suspect there will be a time when he will need to. The DSL will support this.

This is just awful op. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all this. I’ve massive sympathy for you. I hope your son wakes up from all this soon. What a nasty piece of work this woman is.

I think you’re doing entirely the right thing by focusing on keeping your relationship with him alive. Keep your mind firmly on that, that is your main goal and the part that you have some control in. Keep reminding him that your love for him will never ever change and you’ll always be there for him.

Best of luck op x

so now she is in control of his phone! I agree with PP who said leave a PAYG mobile for him at college with stored numbers on. She is upping the control now.

Document all of this in writing to SW.

Oh op keep strong , I’m really upset for you . It’s frightening that this is allowed to happen and not much you can do even if he is an adult but the fact he’s a child is outrageous.
he’s being controlled and there is no law or protection for him I find this frightening as a mum myself .

I wouldn't panic too much about the phone - it's likely to have been a one off as she wouldn't be able to contact him either without it. And he's still going to college which is a real positive. At least he's away from her for 6 hours a day and engaging with other people his own age.

I've just read this thread as I used to know a mum in a similar situation. I just want to say what a lovely, lovely person you sound. She sounds horrific and I'm also annoyed with your ds for putting you through this, although I do realise that it's complicated. I really hope that it all works out well for you.

I agree, hopefully he had just forgotten his phone, unless it happens again I wouldn’t read too much into it. Easier said than done when you’re left questioning everything at the moment.

I don't suppose you would consider counselling for yourself? You've been through such a lot. Many apologies if that's something you've explored.

I have feeling the sim card with the number you have is in a phone she has with her and he has a new number on the phone he carries with him.

Have been reading your thread, I have a 16yr old DS and I dread something like this happening. You are handling it so well, I can only imagine how difficult it is and if I were in your shoes I don't think I'd be able not to be raging constantly at her.

I second those saying to let others know what's happening, her actions are no reflection on you or your DS and the peer pressure might help him see another perspective?

Re: the phone you've had some good suggestions, I agree that a Whatsapp or a web based communication eg email or facebook may thwart her if she only has the sim?

Holding out hope for you that he will be back soon...

@PurpleLampShades I am glad I've found your thread again, I'm so sorry to read the situation is no better. How did he meet gf?

Did DS come over today purple? I hope he’s been able to restablish that routine with you.

I’m torn on what I think would be best in terms of always just keeping the peace and staying quiet or whether it’s actually ok for you to point out that basic contact with a parent is entirely ok and appropriate and actually a kind thing to do at 16 when he knows you love and care about him and presumably doesn’t want to needlessly upset you.
That replying to messages or making the odd phone call to say hi mum isn’t a lot to ask.
It feels a bit like due to fear of him retreating, quite understandably you are asking much less of him than you would if he were still at home when you would surely expect to know where he is and whether he’s at college etc.
most 16 year olds are of course living at home which he must be aware of so it’s hardly like you are denying him independence.

maybe him knowing this is actually really really hard for you isn’t a bad thing? I sometimes get the feeling he is trying to quash that side of his emotional head space as he knows the whole thing is fucked up and he doesn’t want to face the fact you have been devastated by it all. He clearly loves you. Of course I completely appreciate that making him face it might mean he can’t cope and ends all contact. It’s a horrible tight rope you are walking.

but the Friday visits and a text or call in the week doesn’t seem a lot to ask.

sounds like the GF may have a very estranged or dysfunctional relationship with her own family but he must see his mates modelling more normal contact?

In terms of who you discuss with I would absolutely be asking any of the friends mums if they see him to let you know and to keep an eye out for him and ask him what’s going on. Don’t be embarrassed -you have done NOTHING wrong and this could have easily been any of their DS’s and may be in the future. Mums need to stick together!

sending you strength- so glad you have seen the GP and second the idea to get some counselling lined up as soon as you are able just to have a place to let it all out

I agree with this.as a parent,human even there are ways you treat people you care about.and ways we are expected to still listen to our parents at that age. Or certaonly ve told off by them! It migt be good for him to hear a bit of that.ground him back to his age a bit.

He did visit but I didn’t know he was coming, so he just kind of turned up. We had frozen pizza which was fine. I asked him whether he got my message And honestly, it was like pulling teeth and I had to stop because it started to feel like I was interrogating him rather than spending time with him. She supposedly answered his phone because they were having lunch together and he was eating at the time. Then he ‘forgot’ to phone me back.

So the gist of it is that she now drives to the college to meet him for lunch everyday. Which means he doesn’t get any more than 3 hours away from her and time with friends outside lessons. I became quite frustrated tbh and told him I expect him to answer his own phone and to maintain contact a little better than he currently is. She doesn’t need to keep answering for him. I don’t even know if what he told me is the truth and she answered because he was eating or whether she‘s controlling access to his phone. I don’t know. She’s done this before. Answered his phone and spoken for him.

I also asked if he actually wanted to have lunch with her everyday and he answered yes, but his body language didn’t give the same message IYSWIM. Then I started getting the defensiveness and the ‘you don’t understand, you don’t even know her, you hate her’ responses so I stopped asking anything and tried to change the subject. He has promised he will phone me on Wednesdays to check in and tell me whether he’s visiting on the Friday, but I’m not holding my breath for that. As soon as gf finds out something will be said or done to change his mind.

It wasn’t the visit I wanted but I couldn’t help myself from wanting some answers. Next week I will make a concerted effort to be a bit more positive and just make it a nice time for us.

I do see what people mean when they say it appears I’m trying to keep it under wraps. I suppose I have been doing that, but yes, I probably need to be more open about it. I’m going to phone the parents of his main friends (or what were his friends) and speak to them. I don’t want DS to be forgotten or dropped by his friends but if he’s actively avoiding any contact outside lessons it’s only a matter of time isn’t it? They’ll get fed up with him won’t they? I’m also going to speak to the DSL again when I can get hold of them. I want to ask the rules about students leaving campus.

Honestly I don't think it's bad for him to hear your concerns and have to awnser a few questions from time to time. I know you've had lots of advice to kill her with kindness and just be supportive, but I think it's good to point out the ways in which his relationship isn't normal and asking questions like "do you want to eat lunch with her everyday?" is a good subtle way to do that. (Also, does she not work/have any friends? How is she able to eat lunch with him every day?) I know it's a fine line to tread with him but I couldn't just act like everything was perfectly normal in your shoes. I don't think it's helpful for your son either to believe that you are fully accepting of his relationship. He needs to know that other people don't think it's right.

And there's nothing wrong with wanting to know in advance if he's coming round. I would message him on Wednesday saying really looking forward to seeing you, let's get a takeaway this week, what would you like to eat? And I hope you do have a nicer time with him next time.x