To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

Truth be told, I’m not doing well. I’m not sleeping well. I just lie there thinking about it. And it’s absolutely exhausting trying to maintain a calm exterior when all I want to do is rip her hands from my son and scream in her face to fuck off.

This woman is beyond belief. I wonder what her friends make of her at 27 going with and after a 15/16 year old?

I think anyone with an ounce of humanity would feel exactly the same Purple! I know I would.

It's a particularly tough time of year too. Just try to get through it best you can, it will get better, I'm certain of that. Lower any expectations you feel you should have of yourself right now, just do what you need to get by and recharge. I'd feel happier knowing you've got some RL support tbh, but hopefully we're all still helping a bit. In the mean time, promise to treat yourself continuously! You absolutely deserve it x

That is how I would feel OP. I would want to do much more than that. But your son has demonstrated that you need to play the long game, which you are now doing, but it must be hell. Didn’t want to read and run, thinking of you. X

Do you do any mindfulness stuff? EG when you’re trying to sleep and your mind is stressing/wandering, gently bring it back each time to thinking about relaxing your whole body/head/face, piece by piece, or the in and out of your breath like steam on a wintry morning. Or when you’re with them and you feel yourself getting sucked down, zoom out to the clinking of cutlery or the background noise of eg a car or the motion/ sound of your movements. Sorry if that’s not helpful but it has served me well.

Haven't commented for a while but thought I'd show my face. I'm glad you got to see him on Christmas day, I'm not glad to see what that fucking woman was up to.

I guess there is always the hope that she will get bored of him and kick him to the kerb. What is she actually getting out of supporting a 16 year old boy, for goodness sake?

I'd keep a journal.by your side.and by your bed.so you can write all these humbled thoughts down as and when the creep up on you.

Also make sure your logging all she is doing for future ref should any services need it.or even you might need to refer back.

You need to gather yourself op.you need to get your own strength back.u can't help him with an empty cup yourself.and it will have you making poor decisions for yourself and even him.it will make coping a whole lot worse and your reactions a whole lot worse if your exhausted and or are not looking after yourself.

I no he's your son.you love him and mind is all about him.but you have to survive this.too.and without saying it I have to say it,that you need to find a way to carry on living now too.this isn't going anywhere.you can't solve it.you can't change it.you need to find reasons for you to be ok. You are raging that she's destroying him and don't want to let her.but What about you.you can't let her ruin yoyr life either.

Try starting to valve out something everyday that brings you joy.oe makes you smile.keep YOUR own life and strength so he's got that mama bear to come to.one who hasn't been beaten down.

I just thought I’d pop back to say I think you are doing amazingly. I know it must be hell, but most people would definitely have lost their cool by now. You are doing the best possible thing for your son. He would be completely alone if it weren’t for you acting in the way you are and you must keep that in mind. With you acting as you are he still has an escape route when he eventually realises what she is like.

Just read your update purple, please keep a diary of everything - as PP said, a journal by your bed might be good. And maybe contact your GP to discuss how you are feeling or MIND. I think you could do with some help and some coping strategies as this is a long term stress by the looks of things.

Im so sorry and I hope and pray your DS sees the light and comes home soon.

Hi purple- I've been keeping an eye out to see if there was a new thread - first time I've seen it and the updates.

I'm so sorry to see you're still going through this . You must feel
so powerless,

Did the VPU just hand it all over to social services? Did they have any input at all ?

purple I think we are saying you are doing well not because you are relaxed and chilled about it all (that would be impossible) but because you are still putting on a loving supportive face to your DS even when she is ringing all your bells right up close and in your face.
you might be exploding inside in the day and then desperately sad at night but you are still getting up and showing up for your DS.
we are in admiration that you haven’t let rip at her (which would be a bad idea but must take immense self control to avoid) and you are staying consistent and calm outwardly for your DS.

Of course come the evenings you feel desperate and helpless and so sad about it all. I can’t even imagine how low you must be and how bloody furious and angry at this woman who has rocked your and DS world so seemingly easily. But you still get up and try each day to ensure when he needs you and comes home he will still trust you and know you love him. Genuinely I think you are amazing.

What a beatifully written and supportive post. You have said what we all think. @PurpleLampShades you really are amazing.

Thanks everyone. It’s a comfort reading your kind and supportive posts. I actually feel a bit teary today reading the replies. I contacted the GP yesterday and am awaiting a call back. I’ve recognised how low I’m feeling and that I need to do something about it. I haven’t heard from or seen DS since Xmas day. I’ve sent a couple of texts and I tried phoning but no answer and no replies. He should have started back at college today. I haven’t had any notifications so I assume he’s there.

I'm sorry you haven't heard off him since Xmas, it must be incredibly difficult. Glad you are getting help via the GP

I'm so sorry you haven't heard from him since Christmas Day. A Happy New Year would have been good to hear I'm sure. Can you text during the time he's in college to ask about what time to expect him this Friday? Maybe ask what he'd like to eat. I know it's terribly difficult to remain chatty when things are so strained but I think the more normal you are in terms of newsy chats and see you soon etc the more unreasonable she will seem if she tries to stop it. I think also say how much you are looking forward to seeing him. Don't let him off the hook in terms of pacifying her because he can't see how much you need to see him. I think of you and really hope this doesn't drag out too much longer but it's so hard to know.

I'm glad you've contacted your GP Purple. It's no wonder you're feeling the strain of all this. Anyone would. I really hope they can put you in touch with some support services in your area. It's a massive thing to be dealing with your own, and you're putting your heart and soul into doing everything you can. It's bound to take a toll, especially when it must feel never ending and the results are being so slow to materialise. You deserve support just for you. It's not a weakness, it's sensible to offload so you can stay as strong as you are being

You have been doing really well, keeping communication open with your son, and he seems to be trying his best. He has been groomed and is under his gf's control, at the moment. As he matures, he may see things differently. He is very inexperienced of life at the moment, once he has a career, talks to people of his own age he may realise what has happened to him. He will see what real relationships are like. You can't tell him, you can just be the welcoming mother to him, your door always open. Gf could obviously not go to her family at Christmas as there has been an alienation there, who knows what. She possibly has to keep your son away from her family as he may find out too much. You must remain strong and resolute, you know you are in the right. The long game is painful and lonely for you, but take solace in the knowledge that you have made progress with your son.

Hi Purple, sorry you are going through this.

I left home at 16, to be with a horrible man in his 20s. We split when I was 20. As I matured emotionally the power balance shifted in the relationship and I eventually left him. It helped that I went away to uni, any chance of that for your ds do you think?

I talk to my mum almost every day now! I think what probably helped maintain mine and her connection during my relationship with him was her acceptance of him as part of the family, sorry I know that's probably awful to hear. She treated us as a normalish adult couple. She paid for all my food. Always asked after him etc. (not as a ploy I think she was quite glad to see the back of me tbh). So there was no extra way for him to drive a wedge between us. Apart from being super gross and letchy in front of her. That territory marking behaviour really resonated with me.

I hope some of that helps. I have a toddler ds now and it is heartbreaking to read what you are going through.

Could you send a light hearted text.even in his dark moments.if he is being pulled in every direction.hearing from you trust me will be a balm for him.knowij g your parent have your back u conditionally is the f* life support whbe things seem shit.
May e something like I hope you haven't set any food resolutions because I was thinking take away for Friday night?try and engage again?
I no it must be so hard to have to be the one to keep putting yourself out there.especailly if it feels rejected.you must feel so very tired.
But for you in so glad you co tasted gp.if you have no luck with them can I suggest you looking onto something like better health online?if you can afford it.youliterally look and pick a therapist and time.and you just talk purple.jist offload.you need that.you need someone in your corner to listen to all you need to say right now.

I phoned DS’s mobile today at lunchtime because I still haven’t heard from him since Christmas and I wanted to find out if he’s ok and whether he’s planning on visiting tomorrow so I can go shopping for something nice to cook us. Gf answered his phone with a very curt ‘yes?’, then when I asked if DS was there she totally ignored the question and said she would pass on a message. I asked her to tell him to give me a call or text. She said okay then hung up before I could say anything else. I don’t understand why she has his phone when he’s supposedly at college. I haven’t received any absence notification so he must be there.

I’ve left a message with the sw to please phone me too so I can tell her everything that’s gone on over Christmas. There’s a review coming up at the end of the month and I want them to have all the information. I also want to ask about the adolescent team, if there is one.

The GP has prescribed some antidepressants and offered to sign me off work but I know that won’t help so I will keep working as it’s a distraction. I will take the antidepressants though. She also suggested counselling might be helpful so I am thinking about that. I’m obviously not going to tell DS about this. I don’t think that would help.

How are the college?
Is there anyone there you can have a word with just to confirm he's there and hopefully give you some peace of mind?

@PurpleLampShades it troubles me that services don’t take this as seriously as they should. If the roles were reversed & it was a 16 year old girl that had been groomed by a 27 year old man, people would be far more inclined to intervene. My heart goes out to you OP. I’m a mother to a son & I honestly don’t understand how you’re managing to cope & not lose it with her. I commend you & think you’re doing the best you absolutely can! It actually disgusts me that she said she wanted to have sex in your son’s childhood bed! Especially because the last time he was really in that bed he had been a child! She’s definitely a sick individual!

@PurpleLampShades so sorry you're still going through this.

Other than the college and authorities, who else knows this is going on? What support do you have from friends and family?

That does sound odd Purple, I guess he may have left his phone at home today, but a normal person would have said!

Maybe a call to the college is in order. Just to keep him on their radar if nothing else. Might be an opportunity too to speak with the safeguarding person to update and see if they are planning anything in groups around controlling/abusive relationships.

I would get your name down for counselling if they're offering, there might be a waiting list and you can decide when a place comes up if you need it or not. It might be really helpful.

Well done for persevering though, hopefully DS will get your message and let you know what's happening.