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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude, or am I being annoying?

222 replies

bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 19:16

Ok, I need a sense check on this.

DH has his work station in our open plan kitchen / living space downstairs. Pre covid I used to listen to the radio or music while I cooked, but during covid I got a cheap pair of earbuds and either listen to music or watch tv series that he wouldn't want to watch while I'm cooking or doing household tasks, initially so I wouldn't disturb his work. However I now really enjoy using them as I hate housework and it makes the time go faster. So I tend to use them most times I am cooking or doing something like the ironing.

DH has the habit of wandering in and just talking to me, without checking whether I've got the earbuds in or not. So I basically become aware that he's standing there either asking me something or just chatting. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something using my hands, eg chopping raw chicken, transferring things in and out of oven, washing up etc, so I can't immediately take the earbuds out. So I'll say to him, hang on, I can't hear you, and then take them out when I can.

Now, over time I've got progressively more irritated with him doing this, I think he could just check whether I have them in and get my attention, but he doesn't, he just launches into whatever he has got to say. So I'm probably not using my nicest voice when I ask him to hang on. Every single time though he has a huge huff, rolling his eyes and giving me an annoyed look, sometimes refusing to repeat what he said, but even if he does he behaves like I'm totally unreasonable not to have heard him first time.

This happens multiple times a week, sometimes several times within an hour or so. I think he is really rude, basically he wants me to to go about the work without being entertained, on the off chance he might want to speak to me. But he can't see that anything he does is wrong, I just told him off for just expecting me to be available and he did a whole huffy "I AM sorry" non apology. He's really pissed me off by doing that too now.

So, is it me? Why can't he just look at my ears, realise I've got them in, and attract my attention first?

OP posts:
LovelyBitOfSquirrel69 · 13/11/2022 19:17

We have this in reverse. My husband wears tiny earbuds a lot and I can't always see him. I've learnt to wave at him before I speak.

2greenroses · 13/11/2022 19:18

why don't you stop using ear buds and start using waterproof sports headphones you can nudge down with the back of you fist even with dirty hands? They are also much clearer to see

2pinkginsplease · 13/11/2022 19:19

Id Find it pretty rude if in the house with dh and he was wearing headphones, we used to go out walking and he would wear one and I found that incredibly rude. He always used to say but it’s only one I can still hear you.

id just play music over the speaker if I was in the house with other people, fair enough use headphones if you’re home alone,

AlisonDonut · 13/11/2022 19:21

2greenroses · 13/11/2022 19:18

why don't you stop using ear buds and start using waterproof sports headphones you can nudge down with the back of you fist even with dirty hands? They are also much clearer to see

Because wires get in the way?

Perhaps the OP needs her husband's desk moved well away from the kitchen so she can just listen to music as and when she wants?

Batiqueattic · 13/11/2022 19:21

He hates that you have an inner life. Mummy should be immediately available at all times. Yuck.

Original poster
bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 19:21

2greenroses · 13/11/2022 19:18

why don't you stop using ear buds and start using waterproof sports headphones you can nudge down with the back of you fist even with dirty hands? They are also much clearer to see

Because I like the earbuds I have, they fit my ears really comfortably while other headphones don't tend to. And I don't want to buy something else when I've got something that works.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 13/11/2022 19:22

It's incredibly rude to wear headphones, especially invisible headphones, when someone else is in the house and around.

As opposed to being shut away

Roocakes · 13/11/2022 19:24

It’s not difficult for him to check your ears first before having a conversation. Is it too much hassle for him to do this?

SavingKitten · 13/11/2022 19:25

So I'm probably not using my nicest voice when I ask him to hang on. Every single time though he has a huge huff, rolling his eyes and giving me an annoyed look,

So you huff and he huffs back, dunno why his is worse than yours. You expect him to check your ears first, he expects you to
be slightly sociable in your own home. Both unreasonable.

Original poster
bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 19:26

2pinkginsplease · 13/11/2022 19:19

Id Find it pretty rude if in the house with dh and he was wearing headphones, we used to go out walking and he would wear one and I found that incredibly rude. He always used to say but it’s only one I can still hear you.

id just play music over the speaker if I was in the house with other people, fair enough use headphones if you’re home alone,

His desk is in our open plan space, there isn't anywhere else for it to go. Sometimes he's working until 7-8 at night, and it would be very disruptive if I made noise, and it would interfere with his work which tends to be quite a lot of calls with other people (which I actually am not that keen on listening to, it's pretty dull listening to one side of someone else's work convo).

We tend to live in quite a quiet way, and he is often listening to things on his earphones too when not working. I can see when he's doing this, and so if I need to speak to him I get his attention first!

OP posts:
Appleass · 13/11/2022 19:26

I would be quite peeved off if my partner did this to me. Yeah I think its rude, leaving in the same house and having to nudge for your partners attention !

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 13/11/2022 19:26

OP YANBU if you are using them primarily to not disturb him, regardless of the fact you now enjoy them. It's a simple check to see if you are using them.

vivaespanaole · 13/11/2022 19:27

Inside the home i just wear one. So i can heard anyone who speaks to me. If i cant stop whatever i am listening to or remove it such as hands in the washing up, i just chat away and the rewind whatever i was listening to when the chat is over.

TheKitchenWitch · 13/11/2022 19:27

We have this in reverse too and tbh I think it's astonishingly rude to wear headphones when you are at home with someone. It stops all spontaneous chatting and comments, it makes me feel like what o habe to say has to be worth removing the damn things for so half the time I either don't bother repeating it or even saying anything on the first place. It's incredibly selfish imo. I've actually thought about asking for advice on here about it. DH claims he can hear when I start talking but that's just not true at all.

Tonkerbea · 13/11/2022 19:27

Dishwashersaurous · 13/11/2022 19:22

It's incredibly rude to wear headphones, especially invisible headphones, when someone else is in the house and around.

As opposed to being shut away

I don't think it is! Her DH is working, and OP is completing her tasks using her ear buds to make the mundane more appealing. Why can't he adapt and wave or tap her on the arm before speaking? It's because he can't be arsed to, why should OP be in a constant state of readiness to engage with him when they're doing separate activities?

Dacadactyl · 13/11/2022 19:28

Have you asked him to have a look in your ears to check if youve got the earbuds in?
I dont thibk it needs to be a big thing. Id just ask him to please double check your earphone situation before speaking to you. If he doesnt do it then, i think hes just being a dick. But at present, if youve not brought it up with him in a nice way at a time when youre not annoyed about it, id say you are being unrwasonabke to be annoyed.

luxxlisbon · 13/11/2022 19:29

I don’t understand why you have to be blunt and rude to him initially? It weird to expect him to always assume you are wearing headphones and can’t hear him. Seems like quite an isolating way to live when you can’t just speak to your partner.

Im not saying you shouldn’t listen to things but there’s nothing wrong with him trying to speak to you either.

Onlyforcake · 13/11/2022 19:30

If this is when he's working then yanbu, he's busy, you're busy. If it's when you're spending time together around the house it's a bit more expected to be open to conversation.

HuggsBosom · 13/11/2022 19:31

TheKitchenWitch · 13/11/2022 19:27

We have this in reverse too and tbh I think it's astonishingly rude to wear headphones when you are at home with someone. It stops all spontaneous chatting and comments, it makes me feel like what o habe to say has to be worth removing the damn things for so half the time I either don't bother repeating it or even saying anything on the first place. It's incredibly selfish imo. I've actually thought about asking for advice on here about it. DH claims he can hear when I start talking but that's just not true at all.

If OP didn’t wear headphones and just had the audio on loud, then her DH would complain that he can’t work due to the noise.

What are you expecting her to do? To have nothing to listen to?

Original poster
bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 19:32

TheKitchenWitch · 13/11/2022 19:27

We have this in reverse too and tbh I think it's astonishingly rude to wear headphones when you are at home with someone. It stops all spontaneous chatting and comments, it makes me feel like what o habe to say has to be worth removing the damn things for so half the time I either don't bother repeating it or even saying anything on the first place. It's incredibly selfish imo. I've actually thought about asking for advice on here about it. DH claims he can hear when I start talking but that's just not true at all.

Sometimes I make a joke with him that he has a secret power which alerts him to me putting them in. Sometimes I've spent (for example) 4 hours in the house and he's not uttered one single word to me. I put them in and within a minute he's there.

If he wanted to chat to me, be sociable, interact I would probably be more amenable, but it's always stuff like 'where should I put x?' 'what time does y need collecting?' 'Do you know where my thing is?'.

It's probably for about an hour a day, primarily when I cook dinner and he is still working, but I was using them today while he was upstairs doing something else. So it's not for hours and hours, just while I'm doing something boring and would like to listen to something else while doing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 19:35

Dacadactyl · 13/11/2022 19:28

Have you asked him to have a look in your ears to check if youve got the earbuds in?
I dont thibk it needs to be a big thing. Id just ask him to please double check your earphone situation before speaking to you. If he doesnt do it then, i think hes just being a dick. But at present, if youve not brought it up with him in a nice way at a time when youre not annoyed about it, id say you are being unrwasonabke to be annoyed.

Oh yes, I've asked him many times if he could just quickly check - I've got short hair, it wouldn't be hard to do. For some reason he just won't do it.

For a while I tried to be much nicer when I said I couldn't hear him, because I figured like a previous poster than actually maybe he was huffing back to me because I was huffing to him. But no matter how I said it, even "oh sorry darling, I'm just listening to something, hang on a moment while I take out my earbud", he'd still respond like I was annoying... so I gave up on that 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
InBlue · 13/11/2022 19:36

I think wireless big over-the-head headphones are the answer. Very visible, and you can nudge them down with a wrist as PP said.

LicoricePizza · 13/11/2022 19:37

Put on an item agree in advance what - which is code for I’ve got them in so come up & talk to me don’t just open your gob & expect me to be at your every beck & call.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/11/2022 19:37

How is this rude? Should the OP be constantly available for whenever her dh may want to talk to her? Can she just go and interrupt what he doing in the same way?!

He is working and so she is doing something she used to do (listen to music) but in a way that doesn't disturb him. To be nice. He doesn't get to have her waiting around ready to respond to him. He isn't God.

He may have to actually wait for her attention. What with being a grown up and her not being his mummy.

Dacadactyl · 13/11/2022 19:40

bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 19:35

Oh yes, I've asked him many times if he could just quickly check - I've got short hair, it wouldn't be hard to do. For some reason he just won't do it.

For a while I tried to be much nicer when I said I couldn't hear him, because I figured like a previous poster than actually maybe he was huffing back to me because I was huffing to him. But no matter how I said it, even "oh sorry darling, I'm just listening to something, hang on a moment while I take out my earbud", he'd still respond like I was annoying... so I gave up on that 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Ah ok. Well i have no idea what id do with a man like that then! He seems unreasonable. But if my husband is ever annoying me though, i do tend to think that i must annoy him sometimes too, so i try not to let it start eating me up cos i dont want to resent him when 99% of the time hes great.

Hope you get it sorted.