Is this rude, or am I being annoying?

[bakeoffbob]

Ok, I need a sense check on this.

DH has his work station in our open plan kitchen / living space downstairs. Pre covid I used to listen to the radio or music while I cooked, but during covid I got a cheap pair of earbuds and either listen to music or watch tv series that he wouldn't want to watch while I'm cooking or doing household tasks, initially so I wouldn't disturb his work. However I now really enjoy using them as I hate housework and it makes the time go faster. So I tend to use them most times I am cooking or doing something like the ironing.

DH has the habit of wandering in and just talking to me, without checking whether I've got the earbuds in or not. So I basically become aware that he's standing there either asking me something or just chatting. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something using my hands, eg chopping raw chicken, transferring things in and out of oven, washing up etc, so I can't immediately take the earbuds out. So I'll say to him, hang on, I can't hear you, and then take them out when I can.

Now, over time I've got progressively more irritated with him doing this, I think he could just check whether I have them in and get my attention, but he doesn't, he just launches into whatever he has got to say. So I'm probably not using my nicest voice when I ask him to hang on. Every single time though he has a huge huff, rolling his eyes and giving me an annoyed look, sometimes refusing to repeat what he said, but even if he does he behaves like I'm totally unreasonable not to have heard him first time.

This happens multiple times a week, sometimes several times within an hour or so. I think he is really rude, basically he wants me to to go about the work without being entertained, on the off chance he might want to speak to me. But he can't see that anything he does is wrong, I just told him off for just expecting me to be available and he did a whole huffy "I AM sorry" non apology. He's really pissed me off by doing that too now.

So, is it me? Why can't he just look at my ears, realise I've got them in, and attract my attention first?

This rang so many bells op. I am you and my husband is like yours. We have numerous interactions where he starts talking and i have to say "hang on a minute". The difference is that my headphones are clearly visible. Another difference is that my husband admits that I'm wearing them for his sake. He would hate to have to listen to all my podcast choices all day through the ceiling and into his office.

Your op did make us both laugh though in recognition of a daily occurance.

As to those who think it's rude to wear headphones when someone else is in the house, what on earth! How is that rude when it's done to prevent your noise pollution upsetting his peace and quiet?

I think you should RTFT. Or, at the very least, read the OP’s comments.

Just to add that my husband also thinks it's weird to insist on no headphones just because someone else is in the house.

Agree. Call yourself a wife?

How dare you make dull repetitive tasks enjoyable.

You've not realised that while the master of the house takes up the entire open plan with his very important work, you must ensure you are available at the drop of a hat, to answer any question, regardless of how idiotic.

Seriously, you need to remind him you're not an employee but an equal partner.

@bakeoffbob

Well I'm with you on this one because I also wear headphones to listen to podcasts when I'm doing household shite because it sees me through it and I really enjoy listening.

My dh will come and kind of look at me or give me a wave if he wants to say something and I'll either pause or uncover an ear so I can talk with him.

He's never tutted or moaned at me.

Earlier on I was ironing and he was hoovering and mopping floors so we were both busy at the same time like you and your dh were.
Doesn't mean you shouldn't have them in just in case he wants to talk to you ffs.

Yes is women are allowed to not be immediately available at all fucking times so the posters saying your unreasonable I say sod off.

I would interrupt his work calls a couple of times to ask him something non important and stupid and see how that goes down.

When he moans about it tell him that's what he does to you all the time and remind him the reason you wear them is to drown out his friggin work noise anyway.

Tell him to wear headphones for work calls

YANBU.

Tellhim to make his own dinner, iron his own shirts, and the take your earbuds out for a nice walk with you.

I meant based on the replies to other members comments. Like using one earbud or putting the volume lower?

I do exactly the same for housework and cooking. They aren't very loud, the volume only goes so high. If someone speaks to me I generally hear them but will say, hang on a sec, I'll just pause this. The ear buds have a little button to pause them. Then I take them out to listen properly. Noone in the house questions it. That's it really.

YANBU listening to your own stuff while getting routine tasks done.

@IMissVino Maybe that's my opinion because I wear earbuds myself (at a lower volume) and constantly interrupt DH when WFH. So I see it only fair that I am also available.

The vitriol against your DH in your posts is palpable. You have bigger problems than him trying to communicate with you while you are wearing earbuds.

@Mimi1313 I am available to hear him the other 23 hours a day, apart from when I'm asleep.

I don't actually listen to anything very loudly, I am keeping half an ear out for the door or the (teenage before anyone grabs their pearls) kids or whatever. But I often don't catch the specifics of what he has said because I'm concentrating on what I'm doing, and listening to something I am enjoying, a third thing is too much for my brain. I don't want to do one earbud only because I have quite different hearing in each ear, so I'd either not really be able to hear the earbud, or I wouldn't really be able to hear surroundings depending on which one I had in.

I think lots of other posters have picked up on what I'm annoyed about. It's the fact that he seems to expect me to be immediately available at any time of the day, and that I should forgo something I enjoy doing (and that makes the drudge less boring) to facilitate this.

Compromise would be meeting in the middle, correct? That’s just her modifying her behaviour in a way that reduces her enjoyment to cater to him and fulfil his (unreasonable) desire for her immediate availability at all times.

So, what behaviour modification do you propose for him? If none, that’s not a compromise, is it?

Sounds like you just want to enjoy the little "me time" that you get x

I do this too! Although my headphones are visible, it's a game changer for getting on with housework and stuff and being able to focus on all the mundane crap I'm tasked with. Cleaning out a fishtank much more interesting with a podcast on the go. My husband doesn't really mind, I take them off if he talks or pretend to listen. Keep listening to what you want!

@Mimi1313 yes that's exactly right. It does feel like a bit of me time, I enjoy listening or watching something I know he doesn't like, so I wouldn't do it later on in the evening as we tend to watch things we both will like. 

@Pasc611 but surely this is the stuff of long term marriage? The bubbles of irritation that rise to the top are only ever symptoms of other issues. So yes, it probably is indicative of other things. But I'd really like to be able to be entertained while cooking etc without having to feel like I'm being a terrible wife by making him repeat what he said.

Please chill, relax. I'm not here for an intense conversation. I was just prodding at OP because it's clear that this isn't about the headphones.

There’s nothing wrong with wearing the headphones. The issue is you getting annoyed at him, him getting annoyed at you for getting annoyed at him, and then you getting annoyed at that.

You can’t get annoyed at someone when you started the huffing and puffing (unless it’s justified, which I don’t think is in this scenario)

I like a 'he who smelt it dealt it' logic. And since he is the one who is cross with me for asking to hold on while I pause / get an earbud out, I feel vindicated.

In this case I would just make a fuss and say something like "no no no, this is me time" so that you don't have to be disturbed in the first place!
I'm quite dramatic though so I wouldn't mind standing in the kitchen shouting "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

But on a serious note maybe explain that you get annoyed because you want some "me time" and that you need to unwind.

I think this might work actually, or at least I've never tried this specific approach. Will try it and see what happens, I do have a very stressful and responsible grown up job so I do really need wind down time, which he does appreciate I think. And I'll start off with the explanation before I move on to the 'would you just fuck off out of my kitchen' 😂😇

Yes! Unleash the inner monster and nobody will approach you. 😂 Strange we have to resort to this but it seems to work so why not? Good luck!

It's just really rude and weird like people who wear earphones in the car.
I am here now doing the crap my other half has no interest in , while they are asleep. During their work day they sometimes watch violent movies I can't. That's all ok.
But removing yourself in shared spaces where there's room for shared conversation and space, eh no.

So, you prodding the OP is fine, but me prodding you is ‘intense’?

Speaking of intensity, I’m not the one who was talking about ‘ruining the emotion’ and calling things a ‘slap in the face’. Perhaps you should relax?

@bakeoffbob Is this becoming your relationship? Your H sounds a bit passive aggressive.

lynnenamka.com/anger-management/anger-management-articles/the-boomerang-relationship/

OP YANBU

Tbh I think the earbuds are a red herring - the issue isn't the earbuds but your DHs expectation that you will be immediately attentive to whatever he wants when he decides to speak to you without checking you're actually available. It is the height of rudeness to just start talking at someone without at first making sure they're listening/not otherwise engaged.

If you were on the phone, would he just start talking over the other person or would he wait and get your attention or wait for you to end the call before asking his very important question/make his very important chit chat? This is no different - your attention is elsewhere, he needs to acknowledge this, make you aware he wants something and wait for you to finish what you're doing.

I work in a supermarket on the customer service desk and everyone on checkouts/service all wear headsets so we can communicate but it's basically a Walkie talkie where we are all tuned into the same channel so everyone hears everything all of the time ... Most of us have developed a system where if we need to speak directly to someone then we say their name, wait for them to acknowledge that they're available (ie not on the phone/helping a customer/elbow deep fixing a machine etc) and then tell them whatever they need to tell them so a conversation goes:

"melj1213?"
"Just one sec, I'm with a customer ... sorry, done now, what was it you needed Jane? "
"can you get hold of John in the produce department because the strawberries are scanning at the wrong price again and I've already asked him to fix it"
"Yep no problem"

Unfortunately there are a couple of members of staff who will not understand that the rest of us aren't just standing idle waiting for them to talk to us so their version is just: "melj1213, can you get hold of John in the produce department because the strawberries are scanning at the wrong price again and I've already asked him to fix it" ... without checking I'm able to concentrate. When I then have to say "Sorry Jane, I was with a customer so wasn't listening to you, you're going to have to say that again" they get huffy or respond with "Never mind, I'll get hold of John myself" as though I've done something wrong for putting the person I'm already interacting with ahead of the co-worker who has essentially "butted in"

Sometimes I am not busy but I don't hear my name (after a while you tune out anything that is irrelevant to you personally) so by the time I concentrate I've missed half of their message, whereas if they'd just had the courtesy to get my attention and wait for me to acknowledge I'm available then it would save us all the hassle.