Is this rude, or am I being annoying?

[bakeoffbob]

Ok, I need a sense check on this.

DH has his work station in our open plan kitchen / living space downstairs. Pre covid I used to listen to the radio or music while I cooked, but during covid I got a cheap pair of earbuds and either listen to music or watch tv series that he wouldn't want to watch while I'm cooking or doing household tasks, initially so I wouldn't disturb his work. However I now really enjoy using them as I hate housework and it makes the time go faster. So I tend to use them most times I am cooking or doing something like the ironing.

DH has the habit of wandering in and just talking to me, without checking whether I've got the earbuds in or not. So I basically become aware that he's standing there either asking me something or just chatting. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something using my hands, eg chopping raw chicken, transferring things in and out of oven, washing up etc, so I can't immediately take the earbuds out. So I'll say to him, hang on, I can't hear you, and then take them out when I can.

Now, over time I've got progressively more irritated with him doing this, I think he could just check whether I have them in and get my attention, but he doesn't, he just launches into whatever he has got to say. So I'm probably not using my nicest voice when I ask him to hang on. Every single time though he has a huge huff, rolling his eyes and giving me an annoyed look, sometimes refusing to repeat what he said, but even if he does he behaves like I'm totally unreasonable not to have heard him first time.

This happens multiple times a week, sometimes several times within an hour or so. I think he is really rude, basically he wants me to to go about the work without being entertained, on the off chance he might want to speak to me. But he can't see that anything he does is wrong, I just told him off for just expecting me to be available and he did a whole huffy "I AM sorry" non apology. He's really pissed me off by doing that too now.

So, is it me? Why can't he just look at my ears, realise I've got them in, and attract my attention first?

I'm wondering whether those who think it is rude to wear earphones in the house are the same type of person who like to whitter on asking pointless questions to which they already know the answer 😬

I understand about the spontaneity of conversation, but if you live with someone who isn't particularly chatty, who then comes over and asks you something they already know (while you have flour covered/wet hands etc.) while you are listening to your favourite complicated - podcast it can get rather grating.

I do this too. The housework gets done so
much quicker when I’m listening to a podcast or music.

Dh and the kids are used to it now and get my attention before speaking. It’s really not difficult - if I’m cleaning I’ve likely got my headphones in.

Have to say I’m surprised at some of the responses. I’m sure op wouldn’t just walk in and start yabbering and expect an immediate response when dh is working, why is it ok for him to demand your full attention immediately while you are completing alternative ‘work’?

How is she rude? She uses the earphones so that she doesn’t disturb him as he is working and they are in an open plan space. Is she required to not listen to or watch anything all day, then? On the off chance he might want to speak to her at any given moment?

Thanks for all the posts, it's super helpful to get the perspective.

Even though I started wearing them because of the desk position thing, I actually really like wearing them, they make my life a tiny bit nicer. So even if he goes back to the office full time, I'll still want to listen to something while I'm doing something otherwise boring. And to note, if I'm doing something boring and he wants to chat or be sociable with me - great! I'm up for that!! But I'm not going to just wait in case he might fancy gracing me with his presence.

I think I'm just going to ignore his annoyed face. I do think I'm being relatively reasonable, I've not said to leave me alone, I've just said please give me a wave and I'll take them out. And it's literally while I'm cooking his fucking dinner or ironing his clothes!!!!

I have the reverse too. My partner is constantly moving round the house with ear buds in whilst doing mundane jobs and I do sometimes forget or not realise. I just think it’s nice he’s got something to entertain himself with (often he’ll be laughing to himself) and I’ll talk to him later.

My husband constantly wears his airpods listening to podcasts and things and I find it deeply irritating to have to repeat myself so I can totally understand why your DH finds it annoying.

What about just wearing one so u can still hear or you could do the love actually thing and write notes to each other

Clearly you need to wear a sign on your back that says "I am wearing my earphones" as he's too dumb/ lazy/ arrogant to follow your instructions.
That or forget the earphones and start blasting the music out loud.

Sometimes this answers on here are ridiculous. Of course YANBU OP

You started using ear buds so as not to disturb him. Then he gets annoyed you aren’t ready for his questions on tap.

Astonishingly rude and entitled - from him!

I always have something on in the background when I’m cooking or doing house work - I do language lessons whilst cooking in fact. If not I listen to music. But I do it outloud as only me and kids in the house

I do this and was wondering today if it's rude but I'm enjoying them doing mundane tasks so I'll carry on 🙌

I wear headphones all the time. Much easier to hear podcasts when doing stuff around the house and better sound quality than a phone on full volume.

I tell DH I’m popping them in so he just waves at me if he needs me. It’s not a big deal, it’s anvtually quite funny, and your DH is being a child getting huffy about it.

He needs to move out of the hub of the house and into a more appropriate work space. Only then you can do away with the buds.

YANBU

I don't want to do away with them. I like having the sound in my ears, it's a much nicer experience than having to try and hear something over whatever else I'm doing. Plus sometimes I'm watching trash tv and I don't think anyone else needs to hear that!

I just want him to alert me before he starts speaking, so he doesn't have to get all annoyed at having to repeat himself.

This.

To be fair, just because some possibly antisocial folk find it an irritant living with others who may want to interact with them on a frequent basic, doesn't mean it's necessarily correct.

My OH does this and I too give up bothering to communicate - I can't be arsed wasting my breath repeating myself, waving to get their attention or any such lark on a frequent basis, fuck that. As others have said, spontaneity out the window.

Often you'll find folk who say they only do it '20 minutes a day' - it's actually far more. Context and facts are important. Is half an hour a day a lot to listen to something on headphones? Nope. Is it if it's on a consistent daily basis and working hours means you and your live in partner see each other for 2 hours a day? Yeah, for some people it is.

Point is, it's easy fix - if you're willing to compromise. No one is saying don't wear your headphones for goodness sake.

But @bakeoffbob is trying to be respectful of her DH WFH. So she’s trying to keep quiet and not disturb him.

I don’t think you’re being rude OP. Your DH is using communal space to work, and requires you to be quiet. Yet he seems to think that whenever he wants your attention, you’ll drop everything else to listen to him.

He sounds a bit rude.

I don't think you're being rude

You got the earbuds to compromise and not disturb him whilst he's working from home - he can compromise here and give you the same respect.

Instead of him waltzing into the kitchen and firing questions at you, then getting huffy if you can't respond immediately, he can give you a wave or tap your back gently before asking. Personally think it's a bit rude if you're in the middle of chopping something up for him to get you to stop what you're doing just to tell him where his socks are. He can use some initiative and just search for these things himself.

If you do this when he is still working then not an issue.

If you do this when he has finished work it is very rude.

He can't have it both ways, work in peace and quiet in the family area which means you use your ear buds and then get annoyed because you aren't available to hear him when he has something 'important' to say. If he wants to be able to speak to you then he needs to work elsewhere so you can listen to music whilst doing whatever it is your are doing in the kitchen and be able to hear him and answer if you need to.

DW works from home and as I like to listen to audiobooks I too wear earphones.
I wear them so that I don't disturb DW, just like bakeoffbob.
Therefore, I feel it is down to DW to signal to me that she's out of a meeting or stopped concentrating and is available to talk.

If she got arsey with me about not being waiting and ready for her pearls of wisdom to drop into my ears, well, let's say that it would not end well.

bakeoffbob is in her home, doing the chores we all have to do, of course she wants some entertainment.
I think you need to stop being so nice bob and ignore him and his mardy face.

There are some brilliant books, podcasts radio programmes out there.
I suggest you listen to Cabin Pressure, (you can find it on line) or Alexei Sayle on BBC sounds or any of Terry Pratchett's Discworld books.
Then you will be giggling and laughing and he won't know what he is missing!

But why? Is it not ok for me to do something I like, even if that means I'm not immediately available for him! If he has to wait a couple of seconds. What if he isn't working, but doesn't want to chat? Is it still rude of me to do it?

What if I said I really like having a daily bath, but he is constantly coming in and asking where his shoes are or whatever, and I wish he would just wait until I've finished. Would that make me unreasonable for wanting to do something I like, or him for not being able to wait until I was finished? Would it be rude for me to have a bath while he was in the house?

You're not being rude at all OP, he is. You found a solution to the problem of him working in a shared space, and now he is sulking? He is an idiot.

I wear them a lot as I love doing stuff to music streamed from my phone. My partner knows to phone me if it is important, as the music cuts out if there is a call.