Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude, or am I being annoying?

222 replies

bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 19:16

Ok, I need a sense check on this.

DH has his work station in our open plan kitchen / living space downstairs. Pre covid I used to listen to the radio or music while I cooked, but during covid I got a cheap pair of earbuds and either listen to music or watch tv series that he wouldn't want to watch while I'm cooking or doing household tasks, initially so I wouldn't disturb his work. However I now really enjoy using them as I hate housework and it makes the time go faster. So I tend to use them most times I am cooking or doing something like the ironing.

DH has the habit of wandering in and just talking to me, without checking whether I've got the earbuds in or not. So I basically become aware that he's standing there either asking me something or just chatting. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something using my hands, eg chopping raw chicken, transferring things in and out of oven, washing up etc, so I can't immediately take the earbuds out. So I'll say to him, hang on, I can't hear you, and then take them out when I can.

Now, over time I've got progressively more irritated with him doing this, I think he could just check whether I have them in and get my attention, but he doesn't, he just launches into whatever he has got to say. So I'm probably not using my nicest voice when I ask him to hang on. Every single time though he has a huge huff, rolling his eyes and giving me an annoyed look, sometimes refusing to repeat what he said, but even if he does he behaves like I'm totally unreasonable not to have heard him first time.

This happens multiple times a week, sometimes several times within an hour or so. I think he is really rude, basically he wants me to to go about the work without being entertained, on the off chance he might want to speak to me. But he can't see that anything he does is wrong, I just told him off for just expecting me to be available and he did a whole huffy "I AM sorry" non apology. He's really pissed me off by doing that too now.

So, is it me? Why can't he just look at my ears, realise I've got them in, and attract my attention first?

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/11/2022 20:06

My DH does this and it drives me potty. I get really angry because it’s not hard to comprehend that if I’m in the kitchen doing something I’m listening to a podcast and he STILL talks to me, usually totally unimportant drivel. I find it extremely disrespectful

toastedcat · 13/11/2022 20:06

To me this sounds all wrong. He should be the one with headphones as he's the one "at work".

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/11/2022 20:06

Less than an hour a day?

He isn't very nice is he?
That is the reality.

HuggsBosom · 13/11/2022 20:06

Could he call you on the earbuds? That should temporarily pause the music 🤣

But as I said, YANBU, OP.

GoldenSpiral · 13/11/2022 20:08

Have you got a headband or something easy to pop on to signify you're wearing headphones?

I mean, YANBU but he's obviously stubborn and/lazy so I think this could put a stop to his argument.

EatYourVegetables · 13/11/2022 20:10

I’m on your side here.

Dragonskin · 13/11/2022 20:14

I would start listening to things without earbuds for a while. When he complains tell him that he either needs to move workstation, put up with the background noise, or accept that you'll be wearing earbuds and actually make sure he has your attention before talking to you. His choice, but you aren't going to go without any form of entertainment

Original poster
bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 20:15

Imissvino- I have said this too in almost the exact words. This is really why I posted in the first place, I feel perplexed as to why, when I explain and be very clear on multiple occasions, he still can't just do what I ask.

I see that some people find others wearing earphones to be rude though, that's quite interesting to me. If my house was one where we were all in the same space and interacting all the time then I'd see the same thing, but I'm basically on my own, having to be quiet sometimes due to his work, and using earbuds as a way of having a slightly more interesting hour. Why is that antisocial - there's no one here to be social with!

I think I have this linked in my mind with other stuff - I do the majority of household thinking and boring jobs in the house, which also gets on my nerves, but it is the way it is. I think I resent the fact that I can't even be vaguely entertained while doing the crap jobs just in case he might want to wander over and start chatting, and need immediate attention to whatever he is saying.

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 13/11/2022 20:16

I think you should get some deeley boppers (remember them😃) and attach a big sticker to them saying " I CAN'T HEAR YOU" to wear at all times when you have your ear buds in.
He is the rude one.

rwalker · 13/11/2022 20:20

Batiqueattic · 13/11/2022 19:21

He hates that you have an inner life. Mummy should be immediately available at all times. Yuck.

It’s just rude

OnTheBackOfMyFoot · 13/11/2022 20:21

Some of these replies either didn't bother reading the OP or are just incredibly daft. What kind of person thinks it's rude to wear headphones just because someone else happens to be in the house (of course it's rude if you're in the same room interacting). Firstly she's wearing them to stop him being disturbed but even if she wasn't she doesn't need to be constantly waiting around in case her DH needs an immediate response. Sometimes I prefer to be in my own world and don't want to be bothered unless it's actually important. My DH is the same. Especially when you're both at home all day. You don't need to be chatting all the time.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/11/2022 20:22

Appleass · 13/11/2022 19:26

I would be quite peeved off if my partner did this to me. Yeah I think its rude, leaving in the same house and having to nudge for your partners attention !

So we always have to be available in case our OHs need something? They can’t just wait 2 seconds?

I listen to Podcasts, it’s rare United time I use to enjoy listening to something, I’m it going to stop just in case DH needs to ask me where the screwdriver is and can’t wait a few moments

IMissVino · 13/11/2022 20:24

bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 20:15

Imissvino- I have said this too in almost the exact words. This is really why I posted in the first place, I feel perplexed as to why, when I explain and be very clear on multiple occasions, he still can't just do what I ask.

I see that some people find others wearing earphones to be rude though, that's quite interesting to me. If my house was one where we were all in the same space and interacting all the time then I'd see the same thing, but I'm basically on my own, having to be quiet sometimes due to his work, and using earbuds as a way of having a slightly more interesting hour. Why is that antisocial - there's no one here to be social with!

I think I have this linked in my mind with other stuff - I do the majority of household thinking and boring jobs in the house, which also gets on my nerves, but it is the way it is. I think I resent the fact that I can't even be vaguely entertained while doing the crap jobs just in case he might want to wander over and start chatting, and need immediate attention to whatever he is saying.

What does he say in response? I keep asking this. You’ve told us what you say - how is he responding to these words?

‘I wear earphones because it makes it more fun to do boring things around the house. You know I’m wearing them, so it’s really irritating when you come in and start speaking. It’s also inconsiderate - as you apparently expect me to exist in silence in case you want to speak to me. Please stop it.‘

Yes, I’ll stop it? No, I won’t?

YellowTreeHouse · 13/11/2022 20:24

YABU and I think you are the rude one. I know someone who does this and it’s so irritatingly rude.

woodhill · 13/11/2022 20:24

He's meant to be working so yanbu

Put music on normal without headphones if he's going to be like this

been and done it. · 13/11/2022 20:24

My husband can see I'm wearing headphones but I get the same reaction..he bunnies on then rolls his eyes

PineCone74 · 13/11/2022 20:25

I get where you’re coming from OP. I have this at work, people come in to the office and just start asking me a question or telling me something without bothering to look at me to see if I’m already busy, often wearing earphones as I’m attending a meeting online, etc. It just makes me feel a bit invisible/taken for granted sometimes, as it feels there is an assumption I am always ‘available’.

Manchmal · 13/11/2022 20:25

I feel your pain OP.. BUT luckily my DH is less of a nob.

both me and DC are really intolerant to noise, and DH bless him is a loud bugger. Stamps round the house bellowing (he is a bit deaf) and even manages to use the tv remote noisily(WTF). We both wear noise cancelling headphones most of the time in the house now. He knows to phone us to get our attention.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/11/2022 20:26

Surely if he wants you not to wear the buds he needs to move his work station?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/11/2022 20:26

YellowTreeHouse · 13/11/2022 20:24

YABU and I think you are the rude one. I know someone who does this and it’s so irritatingly rude.

How is the OP rude?! Her husband is WORKING. She is busy doing household tasks. Why can't she listen to music whilst doing so?

NoSquirrels · 13/11/2022 20:27

I would say

’DH, when I’m in the kitchen I’m always going to be wearing earphones so I will never be able to hear you. Just so you know.’

If he moans, tell him again it’s just what it is - you WILL be wearing earphones so you WON’T hear him so he’ll have to catch your attention first and wait.

Make him spell it out to you that he thinks you should be available at all times to talk
to him. Then explain again why that isn’t cool.

Then if he kept doing it I’d ignore him. R wry time. And then when he moaned I’d be much, much more direct…

IMissVino · 13/11/2022 20:27

YellowTreeHouse · 13/11/2022 20:24

YABU and I think you are the rude one. I know someone who does this and it’s so irritatingly rude.

How, exactly, is she ‘irritatingly rude’?

She uses the earphones so that she doesn’t disturb him as he is working and they are in an open plan space. Is she required to not listen to or watch anything all day, then? On the off chance he might want to speak to her at any given moment?

woodhill · 13/11/2022 20:27

If he's so busy working why is he bothering you

Original poster
bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 20:30

Imissvino - he has said a few things. He tends to want to shut down conversations like this quickly, so will opt for something that shuts me up. So he has said a range of the following:

  • Yes, I'll check first
  • ok, no problem, I'll do that
  • It's too hard, I can't see properly while you're moving around
  • tut, I'm sorry, ok!!
  • I forgot!!

He never actually says that he doesn't want to check first. He doesn't even say that he would prefer if I didn't wear them.

He doesn't want to engage in talking to me about it basically, he can't be bothered to change his behaviour. And that's why I wanted to know if I was being annoying and made the post...

OP posts:
woodhill · 13/11/2022 20:31

But why isn't he doing his work OP?

He can't have it all ways