Is this rude, or am I being annoying?

[bakeoffbob]

Ok, I need a sense check on this.

DH has his work station in our open plan kitchen / living space downstairs. Pre covid I used to listen to the radio or music while I cooked, but during covid I got a cheap pair of earbuds and either listen to music or watch tv series that he wouldn't want to watch while I'm cooking or doing household tasks, initially so I wouldn't disturb his work. However I now really enjoy using them as I hate housework and it makes the time go faster. So I tend to use them most times I am cooking or doing something like the ironing.

DH has the habit of wandering in and just talking to me, without checking whether I've got the earbuds in or not. So I basically become aware that he's standing there either asking me something or just chatting. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something using my hands, eg chopping raw chicken, transferring things in and out of oven, washing up etc, so I can't immediately take the earbuds out. So I'll say to him, hang on, I can't hear you, and then take them out when I can.

Now, over time I've got progressively more irritated with him doing this, I think he could just check whether I have them in and get my attention, but he doesn't, he just launches into whatever he has got to say. So I'm probably not using my nicest voice when I ask him to hang on. Every single time though he has a huge huff, rolling his eyes and giving me an annoyed look, sometimes refusing to repeat what he said, but even if he does he behaves like I'm totally unreasonable not to have heard him first time.

This happens multiple times a week, sometimes several times within an hour or so. I think he is really rude, basically he wants me to to go about the work without being entertained, on the off chance he might want to speak to me. But he can't see that anything he does is wrong, I just told him off for just expecting me to be available and he did a whole huffy "I AM sorry" non apology. He's really pissed me off by doing that too now.

So, is it me? Why can't he just look at my ears, realise I've got them in, and attract my attention first?

We have this in reverse too and tbh I think it's astonishingly rude to wear headphones when you are at home with someone

Even though that person is working, so on calls and not able to interact with you for the majority of the day? She can't listen to music or the radio or anything without the headphones because her DH is working. Why should she have to spend the majority of her day in silence just in case he wants to say something to her and can't be bothered to wait for a couple of seconds for her to take them out?

He knows she’s wearing earphones, so their visibility is irrelevant.

She uses the earphones so that she doesn’t disturb him as he is working and they are in an open plan space. Is she required to not listen to or watch anything all day, then? On the off chance he might want to speak to her at any given moment?

Your DH needs to wear noise cancelling headphones for his work calls/ work. Then you can do whatever you like/need to on your kitchen and when he comes off work mode he can talk to you as before.

Why can't he just look at my ears, realise I've got them in, and attract my attention first?

Have you asked him this? What was his response?

Actually this 👆

I don’t understand how it’s rude to wear earbuds with someone else in the house. The idea of that is just odd.

OP, keep wearing them and ignore any huffing. He’ll eventually get tired of repeating himself and check to see if you can hear him before launching in to talking to you.

Not all microphones are good at canceling background noise unfortunately.

I can see both sides, and we have a similar thing in our house- my husband not only wears headphones a lot but has shit peripheral vision, and doesn’t notice when I’m waving at him. He gets annoyed at being interrupted, and I get annoyed at having to make an appointment to speak to him. But it also happens the other way around- he’ll start talking to me while I’m reading, and I get annoyed.

I think everyone needs to be a bit less pissy with their partner, tbh. People who live together should communicate willingly. The only thing that I think is actually unacceptable is bellowing from another room and expecting the other person to come running if they aren’t injured.

I wear headphones in the house but I am also aware it must be a bit off putting for my family to have an unresponsive mum/wife

I say this loads on MN, but seriously? Talk to your husband about this! Say the things in your post. Have a conversation about why this annoys you. Ask him why he’s doing it and say you want him to stop. Not this constant irritation - direct communication.

He said he can't see properly if I'm moving around. He basically can't be arsed, and he's too busy thinking of his own needs to take 2 seconds to check.

The thing is, I really enjoy using the earbuds now for household tasks, so even though it started off me being considerate to him re work, I LIKE using them!! Also I tend to watch tv series that he would never enjoy, but which I don't particularly want my kids walking in and hearing snippets of (eg love island, adult drama series etc) so they allow me to spend a bit of time watching something I enjoy and wouldn't get time to do otherwise.

If I was wearing them for hours each day I could see if would be antisocial and not good for interacting, but it's literally while I'm cooking / doing laundry / mopping the floors etc.

And I'm not wearing them now, haven't been for a few hours and not heard a peep out of him!!!!

that sounds really annoying -like he wants to interupt you on his time

isnt it obvious you have earbuds in if your cooking cleaning whatever

I think his has very little to do with you wearing the headphones and more about his annoyance that you aren't immediately available to him. What a twat.

I wear headphones at home whilst doing jobs and whilst my husband is working from home. If he comes to speak to me he either gets my attention or waits. Because he isn't a twat.

How loud do you have them if you can't hear anything?

We have had this conversation multiple times, during calm conversations.

"I'd really appreciate it if you'd check my ears before asking me something while I'm cooking / laundry / mopping etc. I use my earbuds because I like to listen to something while I'm doing jobs. But I really do want to hear what you have to say, please could you just make me aware you're there before you start speaking?"

I've started telling dh that my headphones are going on now and (then I channel President Bartlett) I am not to be disturbed unless the building is on fire.

I can hear that he has started to speak, but I can't fully pay attention to him because I'm listening to something else, which I need to pause to hear him properly.

But, even if I had them as loud as they would go, why is that a problem?

I wear ear buds loads at home, but it's obvious to me that it's annoying to other people, so I just wear one. It's fine. Why can't you just wear one?

If this is happening several times a day, it is a bit odd that he isn't taking into account that you've got them in after the first time and that he is just continuing to talk at you. You might need to have a word when you're both doing something else - maybe over dinner - and just ask if he minds you having your earbuds in because it seems to annoy him, and try to hear what he has to say without getting annoyed. It might be that he feels similarly to other posters here that it is rude. But once he has had his say, you can explain that you find using your earbuds relaxing and enjoyable and that you're not doing it to be rude (or whatever) and you would appreciate him getting your attention before beginning a conversation. You could also maybe just let him know when you're about to put them in so that he knows in advance?
It seems like a lot of effort over something so harmless (and fwiw I don't find using earbuds at home rude at all when you're completing solo tasks!) but clearly it's a sticking point for him for whatever reason.

Isnt this the typical thing parents get annoyed at teenagers for

Why does the OP have to be immediately available when her husband wants to interrupt her?

Just why? Why can't he wait? Why can't she listen to music if she wants?

In the mind numbing boredom of doing housework/household tasks why can't she make this a bit more enjoyable by listening to music. With both of her ears?!

And what does he say to that?

Do you spend a lot of your marriage placating your husband?

‘I wear earphones because it makes it more fun to do boring things around the house. You know I’m wearing them, so it’s really irritating when you come in and start speaking. It’s also inconsiderate - as you apparently expect me to exist in silence in case you want to speak to me. Please stop it.’

That is direct communication.

YANBU and people saying you're BU are BU. He's clearly got beef with you making him wait even a nano second to listen to his nonsense about where his things are. He's spoiled, is what it is. He's a manchild.

This.

Because I like listening to what I'm listening to, while I'm cooking or cleaning (ie doing things for people who live here so they don't have to). Why should I only half enjoy it just in case he wants to know where his green T-shirt is and can't wait 1 second for me to take out an earbud?

And I don't wear them loads, probably once a day for a hour or less, while doing housework.