Is this rude, or am I being annoying?

[bakeoffbob]

Ok, I need a sense check on this.

DH has his work station in our open plan kitchen / living space downstairs. Pre covid I used to listen to the radio or music while I cooked, but during covid I got a cheap pair of earbuds and either listen to music or watch tv series that he wouldn't want to watch while I'm cooking or doing household tasks, initially so I wouldn't disturb his work. However I now really enjoy using them as I hate housework and it makes the time go faster. So I tend to use them most times I am cooking or doing something like the ironing.

DH has the habit of wandering in and just talking to me, without checking whether I've got the earbuds in or not. So I basically become aware that he's standing there either asking me something or just chatting. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something using my hands, eg chopping raw chicken, transferring things in and out of oven, washing up etc, so I can't immediately take the earbuds out. So I'll say to him, hang on, I can't hear you, and then take them out when I can.

Now, over time I've got progressively more irritated with him doing this, I think he could just check whether I have them in and get my attention, but he doesn't, he just launches into whatever he has got to say. So I'm probably not using my nicest voice when I ask him to hang on. Every single time though he has a huge huff, rolling his eyes and giving me an annoyed look, sometimes refusing to repeat what he said, but even if he does he behaves like I'm totally unreasonable not to have heard him first time.

This happens multiple times a week, sometimes several times within an hour or so. I think he is really rude, basically he wants me to to go about the work without being entertained, on the off chance he might want to speak to me. But he can't see that anything he does is wrong, I just told him off for just expecting me to be available and he did a whole huffy "I AM sorry" non apology. He's really pissed me off by doing that too now.

So, is it me? Why can't he just look at my ears, realise I've got them in, and attract my attention first?

He's supposed to be working and she's in her home!

Why should she have to have total silence on the off-chance he wants to speak to her?

i would find him permanently being in my space bloody awful!

Someone has probably said already - but get bone conducting headphones. Sorted

I wear ear buds when I’m doing certain chores. I always only put them in if I’m alone in the room, and it makes the task pass much more pleasantly.

There are, inevitably, times when people come into the room and start speaking to me.

I don’t get annoyed - but neither do they. They just pause and wait, and if necessary repeat what they’ve said.

How hard is it?!

I would be really annoyed in your shoes, OP.

I’m entitled to a little bit of my own time, when I’m doing things that I don’t necessarily love - to facilitate family life. And I don’t want no-one to speak with me - they absolutely can, and I’ll stop what I’m listening to.

Roll your eyes at me - and you can 100% expect that to go down very, very badly, and for me to let you know about it.

Luckily, it wouldn’t occur to anyone in my family to do that.

Haven't RTFT but in our house, I'm the one that works in the open plan area and also the one that wears the headphones! I wouldn't dream of asking DH and/or the kids to tiptoe around me when I am in the main living space. It's WORK from HOME, not LIVE in the OFFICE Get him his own pair for Christmas and whack the speakers up

The issue isn't really earphones.

It's that you are doing all the wife work in the house.

Does he wear earphones when he's cooking, mopping, tidying? No, thought not.

He's a man child who wants you at his beck and call 24/7.

He's manipulating the issue of earbuds (which in most Circs is rude to wear around others) to control you.

Are there other examples of coercive control in your relationship?

Her compromise is the ear buds though. Before her DH started working from home, she would have played her music/tv shows volume out loud. She has recognised that this would be distracting to her husband working and so is wearing ear buds so as to not disturb him.

To the poster who thinks headphone/earbuds should only be worn when slime in the house... what is the point if that? If nobody is around to hear, you can play the volume out loud! Headphones etc were invented to allow you to listen to something without other people hearing ie being disturbed. If nobody is around to disturb then you don't need them.

Really bizarre responses. Of course you're not being rude. 🤣🤣🤣

He's being an arse!

He is a arse!!

My OH and I have this situation. He works at the open plan dining table. I wear headphones loads! But to be honest, the talking at each other thing with headphones on - we both do it! Neither of us mean to - it's more like we just speak before looking or thinking. Sometimes there is a bit of huffing on either side. Most of the time it's no problem.

I think it's no problem because there is no underlying resentment between us about roles / drudgery / etc.? It's more just a basic irritation about having to stop listening to whatever we're listening to.

Out of curiosity, why are you doing more of the household stuff? And have you talked about it?

I feel like it's one of those things where maybe you need to tackle the root cause of the irritation. Even if he somehow changed his behaviour around the earbuds thing, I'm sure the resentment would show up in another way?

I use earbuds for similar reasons. I like to sing to loud music when I cook and clean, I agree it makes the time pass quickly.

If I have messy hands and can't take them out I turn to my husband, smile and kiss him whist pointing to my ear buds.

That's usually enough to let him know.

Let him know if he wants to chat he needs to put a hand on your shoulder and gently remove an ear bud for you.

If this fails, give him a kiss!

I wear earbuds when I go for a walk in the lanes near us. There are lots of dig walkers using the same lanes, and as I usually go at the same time, I see the same people. It is usually just a nod and a 'Good morning' but occasionally one will stop for a chat. I like the chat, but I have to stop myself humphing as I take my buds out. I am usually listening to a podcast or audio book, so am usually concentrating to what I am listening too. My DH wears his when he is working in the garden, jetwashing or lawn mowing and he has the same. You both need to learn a bit of tolerance or it could escalate to something bigger.

I havnt rtft just the op but I absolutely hate the damn things, I was seriously injured a few months back because of my ds (adult) and his earbuds. I was in the downstairs shower which is off my kitchen, suddenly all the lights went out the extractor turned off and I was shouting trying to get someones attention to see if it was a power cut, nothing, no response which was really weird. I got out the shower in the pitch black and slipped on the floor, ended up with a black eye and hurt ribs. When I opened the door, all lights were on and my ds was stood in the kitchen wearing earbuds, he had turned the light and extractor off not realising I was in there and didnt hear my shouting.

I think I'd put a sign on his desk
I've got my ear buds in
Chat at 11am!

That is because you are taking what I'm saying out of context to prove a point and I'm not really sure what that point is. I was just giving my opinion/perspective based on my experience. I wasn't jamming that perspective down anyone's throat and didn't say it was definitely the same for OP's DH. It's just food for thought. Anyway good luck with your life and good day.

I also found it so rude when my siblings would do it which is why I made adjustments myself. I think it just ruins the emotion of what you are about to say. It's a bit of a slap in the face for people who get hyped up about something pre-conversation.

It does also sound like you aren't willing to compromise based on your replies and have come to seek some validation

Direct quote. If you’re going to say things like ‘ruining the emotion’ and calling things a ‘slap in the face’, you do not get to claim other need to chill. It shows a complete lack of self awareness.

Prove a point? All I did was ask what compromise you suggested for her DH and this appears to have upset you. Why?

You came to a post and were negative to the OP, realised what you’d said was silly, backtracked and then came back the next morning to complain about being ‘taken out of context’. Sweetheart, good luck with your life and day, I suspect you need luck more than I do.

@IMissVino well these were the suggested compromises based on my experiences and yes, you did miss it. They obviously weren't great suggestions for OP but I was just suggesting?

I also love how I have a lack of self awareness when I've clearly said .... I used to do this and thought it was fine. My siblings did it to me and I found it was annoying. So I changed things to be less annoying to DH. Maybe you can too?

Just because I've had a negative experience of something doesn't mean I'm being negative towards someone when sharing my opinion. The whole point of the thread is to have discussions about a topic? I can have a different opinion without being rude you know?

Can't believe so many people are saying yabu! You aren't! I couldn't deal with a grown up who needed my IMMEDIATE attention, I get enough of that from my 3 year old!

Oh, still here? I’ll repeat myself, as you appear to have missed it (multiple times):

Compromise would be meeting in the middle, correct? That’s just her modifying her behaviour in a way that reduces her enjoyment to cater to him and fulfil his (unreasonable) desire for her immediate availability at all times.

So, what behaviour modification do you propose for him? If none, that’s not a compromise, is it?

What part of this is confusing you? And, yes, if you tell someone that they are just seeking validation and unwilling to compromise, you are being rude. As is the case when you tell someone to ‘chill’ and ‘relax’ when they ask you a question you don’t like. And to not realise all of that and need it explained to you five times is to lack self awareness.

I don't think you're being rude at all. He's doing his work and you're doing yours. He wouldn't like it if you interrupted him, and you don't appreciate when he interrupts you. That's fine and understandable. Maybe ask him to agree to just interact at certain times? Not to necessarily say communication is completely off limits at the other times, but just that he's aware he might not always get a favourable reception. I don't see why your time should be regarded as less valuable than his. You have as much right to quietly enjoy your work as the next man! Don't feel guilty, you're not doing anything wrong.

He doesn't even have to check your ears, he just has to start the conversation by calling your name and waiting for a response.

If he rolls his eyes when you take the eaebud out, put it back in and ignore him. He can sort out his own shit.

I like wearing my earbuds too as it means i can continue through noisy interruptions such as running taps, kettle or washing machine without losing parts of audio (e.g. listening to talk radio or audible). Housework and cooking would be awful and lonely without them. I now yell out to my teenage daughter that I am ‘going offline’ ie can’t be reached. When she wanders in, she reaches for my phone and presses pause with her clean hands in order to chat. . We sort of muddled our way through to get to this point. But it works except when I scream for dear life when I turn around engrossed, and she’s suddenly THERE

however, she also now wears her headphones (music) when we’re out and about on public transport. And i find myself curiouslyfeeling quite irritated having to tap and ‘pause her’ so I can share a comment that suddenly seems fairly inane after the rigmarole of her stopping her music and removing headphone. It ruins the flow.

so you are both not being unreasonable- its a new way of existing and needs to be figured out per household. . Is there a way to put a sign on fridge when you’re deep in listening mode and a way for your hubby to pause what you’re listening to?

Try boneconducting headphones. They sit on your cheekbones in front of your ears and mean you can hear music but also outside world. I use them for running.

YANBU he just needs to make sure you see him first, it's not difficult.

Not at all rude op. I think there are all sort of variables to this situation, but it is completely fine to carry on as you usually would while your dh is working at home and you do not need to be available to him whenever he fancies. But then, I don't think that anyone should be in a position where they are expected to be immediately available to another (able bodied, etc) adult.