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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this rude, or am I being annoying?

222 replies

bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 19:16

Ok, I need a sense check on this.

DH has his work station in our open plan kitchen / living space downstairs. Pre covid I used to listen to the radio or music while I cooked, but during covid I got a cheap pair of earbuds and either listen to music or watch tv series that he wouldn't want to watch while I'm cooking or doing household tasks, initially so I wouldn't disturb his work. However I now really enjoy using them as I hate housework and it makes the time go faster. So I tend to use them most times I am cooking or doing something like the ironing.

DH has the habit of wandering in and just talking to me, without checking whether I've got the earbuds in or not. So I basically become aware that he's standing there either asking me something or just chatting. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something using my hands, eg chopping raw chicken, transferring things in and out of oven, washing up etc, so I can't immediately take the earbuds out. So I'll say to him, hang on, I can't hear you, and then take them out when I can.

Now, over time I've got progressively more irritated with him doing this, I think he could just check whether I have them in and get my attention, but he doesn't, he just launches into whatever he has got to say. So I'm probably not using my nicest voice when I ask him to hang on. Every single time though he has a huge huff, rolling his eyes and giving me an annoyed look, sometimes refusing to repeat what he said, but even if he does he behaves like I'm totally unreasonable not to have heard him first time.

This happens multiple times a week, sometimes several times within an hour or so. I think he is really rude, basically he wants me to to go about the work without being entertained, on the off chance he might want to speak to me. But he can't see that anything he does is wrong, I just told him off for just expecting me to be available and he did a whole huffy "I AM sorry" non apology. He's really pissed me off by doing that too now.

So, is it me? Why can't he just look at my ears, realise I've got them in, and attract my attention first?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 13/11/2022 20:32

If he can’t be arsed to talk about it, stop being so nicey-nice to him, all that ‘I do want to hear what you have to say’ business. Just train him by not reacting when he’s speaking. Cease to be bothered and apologetic if he has to repeat himself. Cease to care!

fruitbrewhaha · 13/11/2022 20:32

So he has turned your house into his office where you have to be quiet but you’re not allowed to listen to anything either?

He needs to stop working from home. Go back to the office.

BriocheForBreakfast · 13/11/2022 20:34

OP I don't think you're being rude. You've changed from using a speaker to earbuds because your DH now works from home and you don't want to disturb him. So he needs to be accommodating too. You're not Alexa.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/11/2022 20:35

Good point. Can't he go back to the office and so stop the performance working?

pictish · 13/11/2022 20:35

Y a both b u.

You for expecting him to remember/notice that you have your buds in. Him for getting huffy when his oh-so-important self speaks and you don’t hear him. God forbid you should be anything other than readily available to receive whatever important thing he has to say. He may not be able to find something fgs.

NoSquirrels · 13/11/2022 20:36

Every single time though he has a huge huff, rolling his eyes and giving me an annoyed look, sometimes refusing to repeat what he said, but even if he does he behaves like I'm totally unreasonable not to have heard him first time.

Stop asking him to repeat himself. Ignore the huffing. Ignore the rolled eyes. It’s basically his own problem, right? Not yours? Stop taking ownership of a problem that’s his own making. Inform him you will always, with no exceptions, have your earbuds in if you are doing housework or cooking. He can learn.

IMissVino · 13/11/2022 20:37

bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 20:30

Imissvino - he has said a few things. He tends to want to shut down conversations like this quickly, so will opt for something that shuts me up. So he has said a range of the following:

  • Yes, I'll check first
  • ok, no problem, I'll do that
  • It's too hard, I can't see properly while you're moving around
  • tut, I'm sorry, ok!!
  • I forgot!!

He never actually says that he doesn't want to check first. He doesn't even say that he would prefer if I didn't wear them.

He doesn't want to engage in talking to me about it basically, he can't be bothered to change his behaviour. And that's why I wanted to know if I was being annoying and made the post...

Your husband sounds like an arsehole. Is he like this about other things, or just this?

Ignore him. You’ve spoken to him, he’s refused to engage with what you’ve said, so you ignore him. If he complains, refer him to your previous conversations. Restate your irritation.

You do not exist to placate this man.

IMissVino · 13/11/2022 20:38

NoSquirrels · 13/11/2022 20:32

If he can’t be arsed to talk about it, stop being so nicey-nice to him, all that ‘I do want to hear what you have to say’ business. Just train him by not reacting when he’s speaking. Cease to be bothered and apologetic if he has to repeat himself. Cease to care!

All of this.

HeatwaveToNightshade · 13/11/2022 20:38

YANBU. Nothing would get done in our house if I couldn't listen to my audiobook. DP gets really pissed off if I don't answer him right away. And my headphones are enormous! So it's not as if he can't see them. The thing is, he has a tendency to give a running commentary on everything - like 'I must get this recycling out. I wonder where my phone is. That man said he would phone me back and I've heard diddly squat' etc etc. All said to nobody in particular. But then he suddenly asks me something and it takes a while for me to realise he needs a response. And then I'm busy trying to pause my audiobook and he's got a face like thunder. I honestly don't see why I need to be available at all times.

HuggsBosom · 13/11/2022 20:39

IMissVino · 13/11/2022 20:38

All of this.

Show quote history

Seconding.

LeMoo · 13/11/2022 20:41

Just wear one ear bud. Doesn't detract from the listening experience and you can still hear what's going on around you.

neighboursmustliveon · 13/11/2022 20:41

LovelyBitOfSquirrel69 · 13/11/2022 19:17

We have this in reverse. My husband wears tiny earbuds a lot and I can't always see him. I've learnt to wave at him before I speak.

Same here. It can be annoying when I'm talking to myself but I don't get huffy or annoyed, he is saving me from listening to his music after all 😂

Mariposista · 13/11/2022 20:41

Are you working at home too? Or is this just something you do when you're home?
If you are both WFH I see the logic in the earphones, that way neither disturbs the other.

hilditchoriental · 13/11/2022 20:43

I don't think you're being rude at all. I wear my AirPods around the home a lot and DH doesn't mind, in fact I think he appreciates not having to listen to my feminist podcast or 90s megamix or whatever.

Perhaps if you wore over-the-ear wireless headphones it would be more visible to him that you're unable to hear him and he wouldn't get so frustrated?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/11/2022 20:43

LeMoo · 13/11/2022 20:41

Just wear one ear bud. Doesn't detract from the listening experience and you can still hear what's going on around you.

I think it does distract from the listening. It is nice to be consumed by what you are listening to. It definitely makes mundane jobs go faster for me.

And asides that there is NO reason why the OP should have to be immediately available to her DH. This is the main point.

Summerishere123 · 13/11/2022 20:44

Xmas is coming OP suggest he gets you visable headphones.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/11/2022 20:44

It’s not rude at all. OP isn’t his assistant she’s not obliged to be at his beck and call all the time

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/11/2022 20:46

I'm a bit bemused at the people who think it "astonishingly rude" to wear headphones in the home. Seems a massive over-reaction. The OP is damned either way as presumably if she played music out loud the husband would have a go at her for that as well.

I also think him forgetting you have the ear-phones in might be understandable the first few times you wore them but presumably you've now been doing this for 18 months+. You might think he had now got used to it?

Is he normally quite self-absorbed?

Newmum0322 · 13/11/2022 20:46

SavingKitten · 13/11/2022 19:25

So I'm probably not using my nicest voice when I ask him to hang on. Every single time though he has a huge huff, rolling his eyes and giving me an annoyed look,

So you huff and he huffs back, dunno why his is worse than yours. You expect him to check your ears first, he expects you to
be slightly sociable in your own home. Both unreasonable.

This. You are both unreasonable.

absolutely wear headphones when you want though, slightly confused by people saying it’s rude… if he’s working and you’re cleaning then crack on! But if you’re both huffing and puffing at each other then you’re both wrong!

Newmum0322 · 13/11/2022 20:48

Summerishere123 · 13/11/2022 20:44

Xmas is coming OP suggest he gets you visable headphones.

To be fair OP has said that she likes her headphones, they’re comfortable and she doesn’t want a new pair.

lamaze1 · 13/11/2022 20:51

Disagree you're being rude. Sounds like you started doing this in order to be considerate and it's backfired. I'd be minded to tell him he either puts up with listening to the music because it will be played out loud work or not, or he co-operates and checks whether you're wearing ear buds. He can't have it all.

Wearing large overhead headphones (I have buds and wireless overhead ones) is an annoying solution so I personally wouldn't do that.

BirmaBrite · 13/11/2022 20:51

Upstairs or back to the office ultimatum time ! why the hell should he get to take over half your house and then moan when the thing you do to not disrupt him when working, annoys him when he decides to take a break ? Knob !

Prometheus · 13/11/2022 20:54

I’d be asking him to move his desk to the bedroom or living room. Why should you creep around in silence just because he’s working?

Shiningstarr · 13/11/2022 20:57

I can't see where you are coming from, it would really annoy me too.

I've started wearing headphones recently, I love listening to podcasts and radio shows when I'm alone at home doing housework.

However if someone else is home with me, even if in another room, I don't bother with the headphones. It would annoy me if they wanted to chat and I had to stop my programme, and I also think it's rude.

Shodan · 13/11/2022 20:57

Maybe you should loudly announce when you're about to put your earbuds in. Even if he's in the middle of a Very Important Call. Keep announcing until he's acknowledged you. Tell him you'll be unavailable for chit chat until you've finished your chore, and when you have finished, go back and loudly announce that you're now available for chats.

Or- make a sign. EARBUDS IN. CHAT SERVICE NOT AVAILABLE. And pin it to your back.