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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude, or am I being annoying?

222 replies

bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 19:16

Ok, I need a sense check on this.

DH has his work station in our open plan kitchen / living space downstairs. Pre covid I used to listen to the radio or music while I cooked, but during covid I got a cheap pair of earbuds and either listen to music or watch tv series that he wouldn't want to watch while I'm cooking or doing household tasks, initially so I wouldn't disturb his work. However I now really enjoy using them as I hate housework and it makes the time go faster. So I tend to use them most times I am cooking or doing something like the ironing.

DH has the habit of wandering in and just talking to me, without checking whether I've got the earbuds in or not. So I basically become aware that he's standing there either asking me something or just chatting. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something using my hands, eg chopping raw chicken, transferring things in and out of oven, washing up etc, so I can't immediately take the earbuds out. So I'll say to him, hang on, I can't hear you, and then take them out when I can.

Now, over time I've got progressively more irritated with him doing this, I think he could just check whether I have them in and get my attention, but he doesn't, he just launches into whatever he has got to say. So I'm probably not using my nicest voice when I ask him to hang on. Every single time though he has a huge huff, rolling his eyes and giving me an annoyed look, sometimes refusing to repeat what he said, but even if he does he behaves like I'm totally unreasonable not to have heard him first time.

This happens multiple times a week, sometimes several times within an hour or so. I think he is really rude, basically he wants me to to go about the work without being entertained, on the off chance he might want to speak to me. But he can't see that anything he does is wrong, I just told him off for just expecting me to be available and he did a whole huffy "I AM sorry" non apology. He's really pissed me off by doing that too now.

So, is it me? Why can't he just look at my ears, realise I've got them in, and attract my attention first?

OP posts:
TheresYourAnswerFishBulb · 13/11/2022 21:52

TheKitchenWitch · 13/11/2022 19:27

We have this in reverse too and tbh I think it's astonishingly rude to wear headphones when you are at home with someone. It stops all spontaneous chatting and comments, it makes me feel like what o habe to say has to be worth removing the damn things for so half the time I either don't bother repeating it or even saying anything on the first place. It's incredibly selfish imo. I've actually thought about asking for advice on here about it. DH claims he can hear when I start talking but that's just not true at all.

totally agree with this

Aprilx · 13/11/2022 21:57

bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 19:35

Oh yes, I've asked him many times if he could just quickly check - I've got short hair, it wouldn't be hard to do. For some reason he just won't do it.

For a while I tried to be much nicer when I said I couldn't hear him, because I figured like a previous poster than actually maybe he was huffing back to me because I was huffing to him. But no matter how I said it, even "oh sorry darling, I'm just listening to something, hang on a moment while I take out my earbud", he'd still respond like I was annoying... so I gave up on that 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

I think you are being incredibly rude wearing earbuds around the house that often. I would be very upset if DH did this and expected me to check with him for permission to speak, which is effectively what you are making him do.

Invisablewoman · 13/11/2022 21:59

I do the same as you as DP works at the kitchen table so if I’m cooking or cleaning in there I put headphones in and listen to podcasts or audio books or watch tv on the iPad.

I just say to him “I’m putting my headphones in now so I might not hear you if you talk to me”. He sometimes forgets but doesn’t get huffy with me if he has to repeat himself. Because he’s not a dick.

Your DP is working in a communal space in the family home. You are attempting to compromise and keep any disturbance to him at a minimum. He’s just irritated that you’re not immediately available to give him undivided attention on demand.

dizzydizzydizzy · 13/11/2022 22:01

YANBU. You have only had to do this because your DH is WFH.

IMissVino · 13/11/2022 22:03

Aprilx · 13/11/2022 21:57

I think you are being incredibly rude wearing earbuds around the house that often. I would be very upset if DH did this and expected me to check with him for permission to speak, which is effectively what you are making him do.

Show quote history

How is she rude? She uses the earphones so that she doesn’t disturb him as he is working and they are in an open plan space. Is she required to not listen to or watch anything all day, then? On the off chance he might want to speak to her at any given moment?

Original poster
bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 22:04

Aprilx- what do you mean by 'that often'? On weekdays I'm cooking dinner while he is working. For an hour or maybe less. If I had them in all of the time I'd agree.

I don't expect him to get permission to speak Hmm he can speak any time he likes. But if I'm doing housework with my earbuds in I might not hear him. It's his choice really...

OP posts:
IMissVino · 13/11/2022 22:09

@bakeoffbob If you want to tag/reply to people, type an ‘@‘ before their username. You can also respond to and quote a specific comment by clicking the three dots on the bottom right of it and hitting ‘quote’.

Just thought I’d say, in case you didn’t know.

Original poster
bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 22:09

IMissVino · 13/11/2022 22:09

@bakeoffbob If you want to tag/reply to people, type an ‘@‘ before their username. You can also respond to and quote a specific comment by clicking the three dots on the bottom right of it and hitting ‘quote’.

Just thought I’d say, in case you didn’t know.

Thank you - I didn't know that and was just trying to work out how to do it Smile

OP posts:
Dreamwhisper · 13/11/2022 22:09

We both also do this when doing housework. We just tap each other on the shoulder!!

Original poster
bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 22:12

I'm interested in people who think it's rude.

What if I went upstairs to the bedroom and started watching a film, and was engrossed in it. And he came in and started asking random "what should I do with this recycling that's labelled recycling and next to the recycling bin? Should I recycle it" nonsense but I didn't hear at first because I was doing something I was enjoying. Would I be rude to ask him to repeat it, and if I did and he got annoyed, should I make sure not to watch films when he is in the house?

OP posts:
motherofawhirlwind · 13/11/2022 22:23

We have this in reverse and without the earbuds. His brain works like Basic code.... If he's busy and on line 20 when I ask a question, that's line 90, so I have to wait until he gets to that line. I've got used to it over the 25 plus years :) Your DH needs to do the same.

IMissVino · 13/11/2022 22:24

bakeoffbob · 13/11/2022 22:09

Thank you - I didn't know that and was just trying to work out how to do it Smile

Show quote history

You’re welcome! 😊

Mimi1313 · 13/11/2022 22:30

So sorry but I definitely am on DH's side. It isn't natural to look into someone's ears before speaking to them.

Could you not have the music playing on a device instead or put the volume down so you can hear better? I used to use earbuds too but made adjustments after marriage.

billy1966 · 13/11/2022 22:38

YANBU op.

He sounds like an arse and you are ignoring big niggles.

He's lazy and doesn't do his share in the house.
He is a sulky huffer.
He refuses to discuss and shuts you down rather than hash it out.
He expects you to be available completely for every stupid inane question he has.

I think you are getting the ick, and I don't blame you.

He sounds like he could be a real dud to have a family with.

LaGioconda · 13/11/2022 22:38

2pinkginsplease · 13/11/2022 19:19

Id Find it pretty rude if in the house with dh and he was wearing headphones, we used to go out walking and he would wear one and I found that incredibly rude. He always used to say but it’s only one I can still hear you.

id just play music over the speaker if I was in the house with other people, fair enough use headphones if you’re home alone,

Why is it rude if you're not even in the same room? And if OP is working in different rooms, playing music over speakers may not be practical.

emptythelitterbox · 13/11/2022 22:39

He is being unreasonable.

After what you described, I do wonder if he thinks you should be at his beck and call whenever he snaps his fingers.

I lived with a guy long ago that would get huffy if I was reading a book when we were watching tv. It's like he had to have my constant attention at all times and reading a book wasn't paying attention to him.

Plus all the inane questions about where something is or what to do with recycling. Sheesh. I would start telling him. I don't know. Figure it out. How can he really not know where his clothes are or some other thing that he's had for years in the same house?

And the in the kitchen office thing.
Are you in a 1 bedroom flat or something small like that?
He really needs to find another place for his office even if it means getting rid of some other furniture in another room.

Enjoy your shows and whatever with you earbuds!

LaGioconda · 13/11/2022 22:40

Mimi1313 · 13/11/2022 22:30

So sorry but I definitely am on DH's side. It isn't natural to look into someone's ears before speaking to them.

Could you not have the music playing on a device instead or put the volume down so you can hear better? I used to use earbuds too but made adjustments after marriage.

There's lots of things that aren't natural, but we learn. If OP's husband hasn't worked out by now that she might have the earbuds in, he is being dim to the extent that it appears deliberate.

HyggeandTea · 13/11/2022 22:41

YABVU.
In future it would be better if you got up very early before the rest of the family and did the chores.
Then, when your DH is working, perhaps you could sit nearby quietly sewing, in case he needs you for anything.
(Oh, and for what it's worth, his green T-shirt should be ironed and put away tidily and always in the same place so he can lay his hands straight on it. Shame on you.)

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/11/2022 22:43

Mimi1313 · 13/11/2022 22:30

So sorry but I definitely am on DH's side. It isn't natural to look into someone's ears before speaking to them.

Could you not have the music playing on a device instead or put the volume down so you can hear better? I used to use earbuds too but made adjustments after marriage.

It should become natural if you have been told the other person might have earphones in and you know you are a working so the other person may not be expecting you to speak to them.

And the OP can't play the music on a device as she is being quiet so the husband can work.

Am sure the OP doesn't just randomly interrupt the husbands work. Why should he interrupt her apart from him feeling entitled to constant attention?

IMissVino · 13/11/2022 22:43

HyggeandTea · 13/11/2022 22:41

YABVU.
In future it would be better if you got up very early before the rest of the family and did the chores.
Then, when your DH is working, perhaps you could sit nearby quietly sewing, in case he needs you for anything.
(Oh, and for what it's worth, his green T-shirt should be ironed and put away tidily and always in the same place so he can lay his hands straight on it. Shame on you.)

😂

The sewing must be quiet, though. And no extravagant gestures, lest they distract him.

At regular intervals, she might have the pleasure of rubbing his fevered brow, as he is intent upon his work.

Mimi1313 · 13/11/2022 22:44

I also found it so rude when my siblings would do it which is why I made adjustments myself. I think it just ruins the emotion of what you are about to say. It's a bit of a slap in the face for people who get hyped up about something pre-conversation.

It does also sound like you aren't willing to compromise based on your replies and have come to seek some validation but clearly there is mixed advice and it probably just depends on each individual and their personalities/communication style.

On a side note, more obvious wireless earbuds might help too, like those gym/workout ones with a wire connecting the two buds.

Mumandcarer · 13/11/2022 22:44

Her husband works from home though having music on would be distracting for him.

LearnerCook · 13/11/2022 22:44

I wouldn't be happy if my husband wore earbuds a lot of the time and it wss a struggle to get his attention.

You need to speak calmly to him and work out some way to communicate fairly.

Stunningscreamer · 13/11/2022 22:45

I bet he wouldn't be happy if you interrupted him while he was working to ask where the screwdrivers were or when he was going to take out the rubbish.

It's the expectation that you're always going to be available whenever he wants your attention, but it's only one way, that's very annoying. You're not being unreasonable at all but I'd follow No Squirrels advice and ignore his harrumphing and eye rolling. It only works if it bothers you. If you stop caring he'll have to make the effort to change his behaviour,

IMissVino · 13/11/2022 22:46

Mimi1313 · 13/11/2022 22:44

I also found it so rude when my siblings would do it which is why I made adjustments myself. I think it just ruins the emotion of what you are about to say. It's a bit of a slap in the face for people who get hyped up about something pre-conversation.

It does also sound like you aren't willing to compromise based on your replies and have come to seek some validation but clearly there is mixed advice and it probably just depends on each individual and their personalities/communication style.

On a side note, more obvious wireless earbuds might help too, like those gym/workout ones with a wire connecting the two buds.

What compromise have you suggested that her DH make? As I must have missed it.

She uses the earphones so that she doesn’t disturb him as he is working and they are in an open plan space. Is she required to not listen to or watch anything all day, then? On the off chance he might want to speak to her at any given moment and if would ‘ruin the emotion’? It’s a ‘slap in the face’ that she’s listening to other stuff as she goes about her day?