Is this rude, or am I being annoying?

[bakeoffbob]

Ok, I need a sense check on this.

DH has his work station in our open plan kitchen / living space downstairs. Pre covid I used to listen to the radio or music while I cooked, but during covid I got a cheap pair of earbuds and either listen to music or watch tv series that he wouldn't want to watch while I'm cooking or doing household tasks, initially so I wouldn't disturb his work. However I now really enjoy using them as I hate housework and it makes the time go faster. So I tend to use them most times I am cooking or doing something like the ironing.

DH has the habit of wandering in and just talking to me, without checking whether I've got the earbuds in or not. So I basically become aware that he's standing there either asking me something or just chatting. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something using my hands, eg chopping raw chicken, transferring things in and out of oven, washing up etc, so I can't immediately take the earbuds out. So I'll say to him, hang on, I can't hear you, and then take them out when I can.

Now, over time I've got progressively more irritated with him doing this, I think he could just check whether I have them in and get my attention, but he doesn't, he just launches into whatever he has got to say. So I'm probably not using my nicest voice when I ask him to hang on. Every single time though he has a huge huff, rolling his eyes and giving me an annoyed look, sometimes refusing to repeat what he said, but even if he does he behaves like I'm totally unreasonable not to have heard him first time.

This happens multiple times a week, sometimes several times within an hour or so. I think he is really rude, basically he wants me to to go about the work without being entertained, on the off chance he might want to speak to me. But he can't see that anything he does is wrong, I just told him off for just expecting me to be available and he did a whole huffy "I AM sorry" non apology. He's really pissed me off by doing that too now.

So, is it me? Why can't he just look at my ears, realise I've got them in, and attract my attention first?

I am right with you. He's behaving as though he is all-important and you are merely a minion at his beck and and call who must drop everything the moment he wants to chat to you.
It would make me angry. He does not respect that you are getting on with working, and worse, that he does not respect the work you are doing. He obviously thinks his work is important. But I assume that, because you are not paid by an external Employer, he regards you as just a skivvy who hangs around at home all day doing what you feel like, including chopping up raw chicken and preparing meals which he eats. I don't suppose he notices that you carry on working when he puts his feet up in the evening either.
It's old-fashioned male domination and disrespect for women and the fact that they do the housework.
Sorry to sound somewhat retrospectively 'women's lib', but I do think he is downright rude, disrespectful and sexist.

I think that you both need to chill.
He needs to respect that by working from home, he has invaded your usual work domain.
Do you wear the earbuds when you are doing tasks you enjoy? It may be that you are becoming reliant on them to shut the near world out.
I think that you both need to sit and chat about what is really going on,
Are you punishing your husband for something in your life which you need to talk about?

It's not the same but my family always seem to demand my attention when I'm hoovering. Its soo annoying

'Relying on them to shut the world out'? Erm yes that's the point but considering the OP uses then for less than an hour a day I don't think this is worthy of concern!

'Punishing her husband'. ?! Don't be so silly.

What?!!

Yabu! anti social and rude tbh.

First of all, he knows you are listening to music etc. He does not need to look in your ears !
If he can't stand the heat, he should get out of the kitchen. Have you got a shed ?
I think it tends to be a "man" thing.

If this bothers you so much I suspect there's more going on than just the earbuds... right?

Wow, sooooooo many assumptions here! You do seem pretty triggered by this. Are all the conversations you have with your partner mundane conversations about t-shirts?

No need for wires - you can get bluetooth sports headphones with a head band.

Simple answer to this one, wear one earbud. This is a true compromise. My 12 year daughter has one Airpod in 100% of the time. Problem solved

Thought I'd come back and update. Thanks for all the replies, really interesting to hear responses.

So after I posted I spoke to him about using my earbuds when I'm doing housework. I said that where possible I'll try and warn him when I put them in, so he knows he need to get my attention first before he starts speaking. And that's what I've been doing (unless he's in a meeting or something), and it seems to be ok.

In general the posters who picked up about me being irritated that he seems to think his time is more valuable than mine are closest to why this is such an irritation I think. I find it bemusing why he seems to buy into a traditional male - female stereotype, and it makes me really cross. His parents are very much of the same vein, I have been furious before when they have been visiting (pre covid), I've worked a full day (at my very senior, professional job), have come straight into sorting out kids and cooking dinner. He walks through the door from work and they say "here comes the worker!". They don't mean it badly, they are really lovely kind people, but they are just so entrenched in their views of what male / female roles are.

I've probably painted DH in quite a bad light, and that's not really fair. He isn't unaware of these tendencies and he doesn't disagree with me when I challenge them (we have both male and female children so I talk a lot about this kind of stuff with them). He also has a stressful kind of job, and when he is out of capacity he falls back on this way of thinking / being.

But I don't accept it, and so i suspect we will continue to have flare ups where it becomes transferred onto minor situations like wearing earbuds... I think this is the rub of being married for a long time.

My hubby wears ear buds sometimes in the day, so what he's listening to doesn't annoy anyone. It's mildly annoying if I have to wave first to get his attention. But it's not a big deal. I'd be more annoyed by having to listen to what he's listening to.

I would just have a conversation with him. Tell him you like entertainment while you do horrible house chores. I'm with you on that one. They are seriously tedious. I need music or a podcast too!. Otherwise I'd go mad. Anyone saying you don't, hasn't done enough housework lol.
You could give him the choice if you are happy to do that.
Either he will choose to hear what you're listening to.(he'll have to deal with Abba/Metallica)Or he'll choose you to wear buds. (He'll have to wave possibly)
If you're not happy to compromise. Then maybe you could wear 1 out of your ear. When he comes in. Which is what I do, when I have mine in. It's mildly annoying for me. But I love my husband and life needs compromises if someone isn't happy.

My dh plugs in his headphones on longer train/plane journeys with our kids, which is a bit annoying as it means he checks out of family matters

How is this a 'true compromise' - a compromise has both parties making changes for the good of the relationship. How in what you describe is the husband making any changes? Where is his compromise?

The OP HAS already compromised by using headphones instead of speakers so her husband can concentrate on work.

This is completely different and I would be very pissed off of my partner thought it was okay to just check out of family on a long journey.

Yanbu. He's playing at king of the castle here. He's made your shared open plan living space into his workspace instead of your home, so you can't play music like you want to. You've taken to wearing earbuds so that you won't disturb him. But he wants to disturb you whenever he wants (to ask you mundane questions). He wants you to be available to be his helpline service at all times, he doesn't want to wave to get your attention. When his helpline service isn't immediately available he gets huffy.
I can't believe people can't see that this is a display of dominance from him.

The thing is if I was you I’d feel the same, but, if I was him I’d feel the same too 🤦🏼‍♀️ You are both right and I have no answer.

Does your DH do cook/clean/do household tasks? You both have jobs, so does he pull his weight domestically?

My dh plugs in his headphones on longer train/plane journeys with our kids, which is a bit annoying as it means he checks out of family matters

Unacceptable, unless agreed in advance for some good reason and division of labour overall is satisfactory. You should be more than a bit annoyed IMO.

I hope you don't ignore your kids like this as well, OP.