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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be miffed that DHs family is enforcing a dress code at the funeral?

213 replies

Spidermama · 29/01/2008 21:17

DHs nan has died and the funeral is on Saturday.

I've probably lost any sympathy or support straight away with that sentence alone but anyway, here goes...

I now learn that it's expected DH will wear a black suit. He doesn't have a black suit and would probably never wear it again.

So not the charcoal grey suit in the wardrobe, or the brown one. No.

In reality it means that rather than us both using our preciuos time together as we'd planned getting the house in order (we've both been away so there's a laundry and general housework backlog on a large scale) and packing for all six of us (we're booked into a cottage for the whole weekend) he will be going off to spend time and money on a suit he'll never wear again.

I just feel it's a bit odd that there's pressure surrounding what to wear, given we're all adults.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 29/01/2008 21:18

Can he borrow one?

fuzzywuzzy · 29/01/2008 21:19

would he be able to rent a suit for the day instead..... mind you I'm not sure how that would work or where you'd look

LadyMuck · 29/01/2008 21:19

Families can be strange.

Can't dh hire or borrow a black suit - I agree it would be extreme to buy one for one day.

MrsDandOllie · 29/01/2008 21:19

Can he borrow one off a friend? or hire one?
If not, then its his nan so if he is happy to wear a charcoal one instead of a black one then he should do it!

Original poster
Spidermama · 29/01/2008 21:20

He only has one day to sort it out whether we rent, borrow or buy. Though that would at least address the money side.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 29/01/2008 21:20

YANBU he doesn't actually have to go and buy a new suit but fr some reason best known to himself he feels that he should indulge whoever it is who is decreeing this dress code. Leave it, it is not worth being upset about.

janeite · 29/01/2008 21:20

I think he should wear the charcoal one; so long as he looks smart, they are being unreasonable.

Chequers · 29/01/2008 21:21

Message withdrawn

tissy · 29/01/2008 21:21

how odd!

I would have thought charcoal grey suit with black tie would be fine.....

bozza · 29/01/2008 21:21

really can't see what is wrong with charcoal grey suit, maybe with a black tie. My Grandad's funeral a couple of weeks ago and although the men were wearing darkish suits I don't think any of them were black.

LadyMuck · 29/01/2008 21:22

Lombard lounge suit for hire at £35.

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/01/2008 21:22

I think a charcoal suit would be perfectly appropriate for a funeral, he just needs to wear a shirt and a black tie. To be honest I don't think you should have to go and stump up for a new suit, especially as you have a lot of stuff going on at the moment,

If I were your DH I would just turn up wearing the charcoal suit. Surely nobody would say a dickybird, it's not as if he is wearing jeans and a pink jumper.

However if his family are the type to cause a scene at a funeral (I hope not for your sake) perhaps it would be easier to just buy the cheapest suits you can. I don't think they will ever be cheap cheap, but I think Asda do one for about £40. And there are always charity shops, or does your DH have a mate with a blacksuit? It is up to you to gauge how upset his family will be if he wears the charcoal one.

Sorry for your loss, by the way.

Chequers · 29/01/2008 21:22

Message withdrawn

singyswife · 29/01/2008 21:22

tbh the family should be worrying about more important things on the day than checking out who is wearing a black suit. I think Black ties should be compulsory but suit colour should be up to you. I recently buried my nan and my husband wore a green suit. No one bothered as he had the black tie on.

ruddynorah · 29/01/2008 21:23

has he a black coat maybe? he could wear that over the charcoal suit.

margoandjerry · 29/01/2008 21:23

You won't get to do your laundry because your dh has to take time out to buy a suit for his grandmother's funeral....They should really do these funeral events online. So much more convenient. No need for a funeral to interrupt normal life at all.

geordiemacminx · 29/01/2008 21:23

Asda do cheap ones? Although I would have thought charcoal grey would be fine - just tell anyone that asks it faded in the wash

LegoSlipper · 29/01/2008 21:23

I think the charcoal grey suit and a black tie would be entirely appropriate.

tissy · 29/01/2008 21:25

chequers, YOU are being unreasonable! Mark of respect indeed! In that case dh has been disrespectful to both is parents and several other relatives in the last few years. he only has one suit, and it's charcoal grey. he bought it for our wedding (because I baulked a bit at him wearing the suit that he'd worn for his previous wedding), and has worn it for funerals, weddings, interviews ever since.

Elasticwoman · 29/01/2008 21:26

I say wear the charcoal grey and refuse to enter into any argument with the family about it.

janeite · 29/01/2008 21:26

Yes I agree you're being a bit unreasonable in complaining about the laundry etc but I think that the poster who said he MUST wear a black suit was being very harsh indeed.

Charcoal suit, black tie, white shirt, black shoes - I really can't see anybody finding any axe to grind with that attire.

Rhubarb · 29/01/2008 21:27

Well I guess they just want to respect their gran and honour her memory. Black is the usual colour I'm guessing that if he turned up in grey or brown, well he'll stick out a little bit and others might see it as disrespectful.

I had to go to a funeral not long ago and I would not have dreamt of wearing any other colour but black. I went to Asda and bought a black outfit especially.

I'm sure Asda could sort him out a cheap black suit, and I'm equally sure that they'll be other occasions when your dh will need a black suit. Or you can try charity shops.

I do think it's a bit unreasonable of you not to spend a bit of time making him presentable for his own gran's funeral. The housework can wait. This is about people's feelings and showing respect.

LoveMyGirls · 29/01/2008 21:27

I think black should be worn and your priorities should be the funeral, the housework can wait, or if it really can't wait can you both have a day off work to do it while the children are a school, childcare - you will get loads more done then anyway?

Elasticwoman · 29/01/2008 21:28

The point is, OP's dh is an adult and entitled to wear what he thinks appropriate, whatever any one else thinks.

FrannyandZooey · 29/01/2008 21:28

your dh should be able to wear anything he feels is appropriate

he's an adult attending his grandmother's funeral, this isn't an occasion where you get told what to wear - we all know what type of clothing is suitable and there is nothing wrong with a charcoal suit