to be miffed that DHs family is enforcing a dress code at the funeral?

[Spidermama]

DHs nan has died and the funeral is on Saturday.

I've probably lost any sympathy or support straight away with that sentence alone but anyway, here goes...

I now learn that it's expected DH will wear a black suit. He doesn't have a black suit and would probably never wear it again.

So not the charcoal grey suit in the wardrobe, or the brown one. No.

In reality it means that rather than us both using our preciuos time together as we'd planned getting the house in order (we've both been away so there's a laundry and general housework backlog on a large scale) and packing for all six of us (we're booked into a cottage for the whole weekend) he will be going off to spend time and money on a suit he'll never wear again.

I just feel it's a bit odd that there's pressure surrounding what to wear, given we're all adults.

mmj, you are probably right about this:

"I think imposing strict dress codes is someone desperately trying to scratch back control that they feel they have lost because of the death of someone they love"

I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to go along with those feelings if it would help someone.

Honestly, I couldn't care less about the black suit but the OP seems to care more about not doing it.

No Yurt, you are wrong. I really have no views on black suits but I feel if the family have requested it, you do it and don't make a scene about it.

Unless I have missed it, it is not clear whether the order was directed at him personally or at everyone who wishes to attend.

I have been to many funerals, and at one, the deceased's eccentric brother demanded that everyone wear formal black suits. That was definitely not what the dead man would have wanted and many of his friends did not come as a result but decided to meet in a pub to celebrate his life instead.

A funeral is, imho, about paying your respects to the bereaved. So it depends who has made the request and how as to whether it should be ignored or taken seriously. It is silly to expect someone to buy a black suit for a funeral, but grief is not always rational or reasonable.

it often surprises me how strange people are about funerals and I do wonder if it is because the etiquette of them is a bit unknown and scary and people want to do 'the right thing'

due to my family all being incredibly elderly I am an old hand at funerals and have the following cast-iron rules (which it turns out my pils didn't know)

1. turn up early. Not right on time (especially if you are in the main funeral party), certainly not late
2. make all your own travel arrangements to and from the church/ crem
3. buy a proper bouquet made to order by a florist with a handwritten card

black suits are neither here nor there. Are Mr Spider's family a bit freaked out by the idea of a funeral and trying to do things by what they think is the book?

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I agree with upwind. My grandmother would have been horrified by someone spending money they didn't have (or even time they didn't have) getting a black suit just for her funeral. She would have preferred money and time was spent with the children, or whatever. It was more respectful to turn up smart, and with a mix of dark and bright clothes. There was enough black/dark colours to show it was a funeral and enough pink to show it was a celebration and a goodbye.

People can choose what they want to wear to a funeral to reflect how they feel about the deceased. They don't need to be dictated to.

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it sounds a bit to me like they think spidermamas dh is a bit of a rebel and they want him to toe the line for the funeral and spidermama is slightly miffed that they dont trust him to do that without actually spelling it out

i think charcoal would be fine

i bought dp a suit for my mums funeral and he wore it to funerals since and weddings and lent it to other people to wear to funerals like my dds partner

and dds partners friend

it's not unusual to borrow one if you are hard up and only have jeans

rebel is exactly the word that came to mind here. Along with teenage footstamping.

I would also say charcoal suit and plain black tie is perfectly respectful for a funeral. Perhaps your dh's family are just anxious that things "are done right" - people do get very wound up about these things - it's a way of coping with a sad time. Explain to them kindly and nicely that you feel his Nana would be fine with him in his existing suit (did she come to your wedding? If so, you could say he wants to wear it as a reminder of a happy day that Nana shared). But don't be pissed off with them, they are grieving and people go a bit doolally at these times. Gawd knows I was mighty peed off with one of my cousins who turned up to my father's funeral in a patterned tie and don't get me started on the undertaker who turned up to discuss my mother's funeral wearing a sweater.

but this thread was started yesterday

the funeral is on Saturday

Spidermama's dh not only has to schlepp his wife and four children over to a cottage for the weekend but also has to go out and buy a suit?

I don't see teenage rebellion in that, honestly. Rather that they are treating him like a teenager by thinking that he has all the time in the world, and money to spend on no-one but himself, and should go out and buy the suit that they chose because he cannot be trusted to choose his clothes himself

im just imagining maybe wrongly that spidermama dh is unconventional in some respects and his family are having angst that he will show them up

it is reasonable to be miffed that he hasnt been let to make his oiwn decision

if it is not too late, asda had black suits for £20

i don;t see what is wrong with a dark suit of a sober colour and a black tie

surely funeral etiquette is to be dressed respectfully and to ATTEND to pay your respects

my friends mum was buried at the height of summer, and we all wore light summer clothes. she was far more grateful for the support of her friends than what we were wearign

I don't actually think there is any dress code at funerals any more. I have never been to one where everyone wore black, and I certainly don't think it shows a lack of respect not to wear black. I don't think even a suit is necessary to be honest.

The last funeral I went to there was a real mix - probably about half the men in suits, some black some brown. The rest of the men in trousers, shirt and tie or a couple just shirt and trousers but still smart-ish. The women were more diverse, the majority choosing some combination of trousers/skirt and blouse, but a few slightly more casual than that.

It was no less a funeral for all that, and no question of anyone not showing respect or grief or whatever.

margoandjerry: "I feel if the family have requested it, you do it and don't make a scene about it."

But in this case the chap being told to buy a black suit is family!

I wonder if funerals are a bit like weddings. They don't happen very often, so people cling desperately to what they imagine is a code of conduct (black suits, peach bridesmaids) because they don't really know what to do.

I have a large family and my gran has 14 grandchildren - it would be unusual in my family for all 14 grandchildren to dictate something like her funeral arrangements. A decision most likely to be made by a closer relative in my family, but perhaps not in others.

chequers: "I think that it is unreasonable for the OP to essentially complain that somebody else's death has inconvenienced her."

Actualy, she's complaining that one member of her husband's family is dictating to the others how they should dress. Depending on who that is, it could be quite a reasonable complaint.

yes Ubergeek that is my point

I wonder if it is the first funeral they have been to for a long tme and are scared of getting it wrong

in which case Mr Spider maybe needs to ring them as a grown-up son and reassure them that black is not compulsory for funerals, and he feels his charcoal suit will be fine, but do it in a nice way rather than a 'ffs I am not going shopping' way

Spidermama, who has told him he has to wear a black suit?
Is he expected to carry the coffin or anything?
Has he explained he doesnt have a black suit, nor time really to get one?
I think it depends on the funeral really, if it;s a big do or he has a specific role then I can see why he may be expected to wear it, I mean if it was a wedding and he was going to be an usher or something he would be expected to, but if it's a simple do or he is just attending rather than has a role then I'd wear the charcoal suit with a black shirt and tie (though buying the shirt and tie could possibly cost more than the suit in asda.)

I am amazed at the number of posters on here insisting that black MUST be worn for a funeral. I have most inappropriately dressed for several funerals then. One time (when I was pregnant with DD) I wore a beige coat because it was the only one I had that fit. I wore a dark pashmina over it.

Whenever I have been to a funeral, the "dress code" has been dark clothes. A charcoal suit with a black tie sounds fine to me. DH has loads of suits, but has not got a black one.

It is a shame that this has degenerated into a bun fight.

Spidermama, my condolences for your loss.

One member Ubergeekian? How do you know that? Perhaps it's a consensus amongst all of the deceased children.

Chequers: "Ubergeekian - nice that you see a funeral as an opportunity to upset people."

Eh? Wanna explain?

Is it not up to the grandmother's children to decide the dress code if there were no prior requests from the grandmother?

My grandmother died last summer and I was happy to follow whatever my mother said we had to wear.

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