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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be miffed that DHs family is enforcing a dress code at the funeral?

213 replies

Spidermama · 29/01/2008 21:17

DHs nan has died and the funeral is on Saturday.

I've probably lost any sympathy or support straight away with that sentence alone but anyway, here goes...

I now learn that it's expected DH will wear a black suit. He doesn't have a black suit and would probably never wear it again.

So not the charcoal grey suit in the wardrobe, or the brown one. No.

In reality it means that rather than us both using our preciuos time together as we'd planned getting the house in order (we've both been away so there's a laundry and general housework backlog on a large scale) and packing for all six of us (we're booked into a cottage for the whole weekend) he will be going off to spend time and money on a suit he'll never wear again.

I just feel it's a bit odd that there's pressure surrounding what to wear, given we're all adults.

OP posts:
Chequers · 30/01/2008 10:05

Message withdrawn

SoupDragon · 30/01/2008 10:06

OTOH, I do think charcoal grey is normally acceptable. Has your DH actually checked that this isn't the case?

edam · 30/01/2008 10:08

Spidermama hasn't been back to clarify whether, as her OP suggested, her bugbear is really that the funeral getting in the way of her plans to do the laundry...

Ubergeekian · 30/01/2008 10:09

Pennies: "Has it occurred to you that the poor lady who has died has now run out of "precious time"? "

What has that got to do with who wears what colour at the funeral?

When I kick the bucket I don't care in the least what happens to me pore cold corpus. They can bury me, burn me, dissect me, use me for spare parts or feed me to the lions at Whipsnade. Won't matter to me. I'll be dead. Of course some of these options might suit my grieving relatives (if any) more than others, so they can decide.

Same with the funeral (if they want one). It's for them, not me. At the last two funerals I went to (one CofE/Catholic and the other Humanist/Quaker) we were specifically asked to take The Boy to liven things up a bit. There was very little black, but there was some.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2008 10:10

Read it properly: It's the shopping trip she views as unnecessary that she is complaining about, not the funeral.

WorzselMummage · 30/01/2008 10:10

what are they going to do ? turn you away at the door for wearing the wrong colour ?

just wear what you've got or for and buy a cheap asda suit and wear that.

funerals are not fashion parades they are where you go to pay your respects, what you wear is completly irrelevant.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2008 10:10

[cr*p grammar]

HalleBerrysBikini · 30/01/2008 10:10

Good point Edam. Think that's why she was getting such short shrift - I don't believe anyone is that bothered by the difference between charcoal and black, it was the tone of the post.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2008 10:11

HalleBerrysBikini , she wasn't complaining about the funeral!

Ubergeekian · 30/01/2008 10:12

Chequers: "I realise it's supposed to be a joke but it comes across as rather combative."

Not a joke at all. Unless the dead grandmothers husband or child made the request for black, I don't see why her grandson shouldn't make a request for "lively".

As for combative ... might I respectfully suggst that you have a wee look back at your own contributions here ...

HalleBerrysBikini · 30/01/2008 10:12

I know, but the general tone of the post comes across as the whole thing being an inconvenience. IMO anyway, and last time I looked I was entitled to an opinion

mylovelymonster · 30/01/2008 10:13

I'm sure OP has probably switched off by now - and who could blame her - but perhaps her position is that DH has lost his grandmother - and many grandchildren have a very special relationship to their grandparents and vice versa - so perhaps they would prefer to spend time in reflection and family mourning time rather than joining the crowds on the high street - plus getting suitably ready for the trip/weekend/funeral.
Rushing out and buying clothing should not be top priority. Smart clothes he already has - and dark grey is an excellent colour for a funeral - so I don't see what the problem is. It should be about him and his saying his final farewell to a loved one, surrounded by the love of his family who are all united in grief, not a dress code.

Chequers · 30/01/2008 10:13

Message withdrawn

SoupDragon · 30/01/2008 10:15

Of course you're entitled to an opinion.Even when it's wrong.

"In reality it means that rather than us both using our precious time together as we'd planned ... he will be going off to spend time and money on a suit he'll never wear again."

No whinging about the funeral whatsoever.

HalleBerrysBikini · 30/01/2008 10:16

PMSL soupdragon!

hercules1 · 30/01/2008 10:21

Actually I take back my first post now and agree with the more sane people.

hercules1 · 30/01/2008 10:21

Actually I take back my first post now and agree with the more sane people.

Cappuccino · 30/01/2008 10:22

I just remembered actually something that my mother says(she's a bereavement counsellor) - funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living

Actually the dead person's wishes count for nothing. It is the way that the remaining family pay their respects, it is a ceremony of closure for them. Ubergeekian is right - as far as she is concerned when she is dead the funeral is nothing for her to worry about, it is her relatives that decide.

I think if I were in Spidermama's shoes I would, as I suggested earlier, get her dh to give the family a ring to maybe reassure them that he feels in his experience that charcoal will be fine, and maybe try to offer them some support because I suspect that they are finding the funeral stressful and full of rules they don't understand. It is a hard time for the family.

I don't believe that whingeing about buying a suit is the way to go, no. But I think giving some loving support to his family actually might go down a lot better than a polyester £25 number and a miserable frown.

chipmonkey · 30/01/2008 10:23

Tbh, at my Dad's funeral, I was grateful to anyone who made the effort to show up and I didn't even notice what they were wearing! And I have never attended a funeral where everyone wore black.

pirategirl · 30/01/2008 10:25

sounds as tho (not read any replies tho, in rush) resent the time thatsbeing taken up by the annoying funeral imo, and the money/suit thing is a catalyst.

The grey suit, well I would say it was ok, yet its a funeral, and if i could I would try and borrow a black one, or jacket, or coat.

ItsNeverTooEarlyForPopcorn · 30/01/2008 10:31

I have a vision of all the attending women looking like Cherie Blair at Pope John Pauls funeral.

mylovelymonster · 30/01/2008 10:40

....Spidermamas DH IS family, so he should do as he feels most comfortable in his time of loss. I can't imagine his parents being desparately upset about him not wearing black? Don't believe it..............

newyorkdolls · 30/01/2008 10:40

Spidermamma, at the moment black suits are £30 in M&S
On Saturday dh brought black trousers £15, White Shirt £10, Black Suit Jacket £20 from BHS. He has put a lot of weight on lately and needed a 'funeral' suit. He will only wear this at funerals.

Surroundedbysnot · 30/01/2008 10:44

Do the 4 dc have to wear black too? because that would be OTT in my opinion.

madamez · 30/01/2008 14:16

Remember, all you whiners, that you don't know the family in question. It's quite possible that this request is an annoyance from a family member who has taken on the role of 'WAaaah! I'm bereaved so my every whiny, footstamping idiotic whim has to be indulged!' It's quite understandable in that case to be annoyed that some self-obsessed buckethead is demanding you spend time and money when you have very little of either, on indulging a completely pointless demand (a dark suit is fine for a funeral). It's also possible that the deceased was a tiresome old bat that the OP (and indeed her DH) didn't much like, so why on earth should she be weeping and wailing and pretending a grief she doesn't feel?