to be miffed that DHs family is enforcing a dress code at the funeral?

[Spidermama]

DHs nan has died and the funeral is on Saturday.

I've probably lost any sympathy or support straight away with that sentence alone but anyway, here goes...

I now learn that it's expected DH will wear a black suit. He doesn't have a black suit and would probably never wear it again.

So not the charcoal grey suit in the wardrobe, or the brown one. No.

In reality it means that rather than us both using our preciuos time together as we'd planned getting the house in order (we've both been away so there's a laundry and general housework backlog on a large scale) and packing for all six of us (we're booked into a cottage for the whole weekend) he will be going off to spend time and money on a suit he'll never wear again.

I just feel it's a bit odd that there's pressure surrounding what to wear, given we're all adults.

could he hire one or borrow.

I thought the main respectful thing for a man to wear to a funeral was a black tie. My DH recently went to his Nan's funeral and tbh I can't remember what suit he wore but he had the black tie on. Made me teary when I saw him putting it on to go to work (funeral was afterwards.)

But surely the reverse argument could also be true?

This could be a request from the deceased ladies husband, who knew that she thought only black should be worn at funerals and wants to make sure it is done in what he considers to be the "right" way.

Would that person be considered a self-obssesed buckethead? Slightly presumtpious IMO.

Sorry for your loss.

Personally I think that a black tie is important, and a charcoal suit would be fine.

However, this isn't my funeral, nor one I'm organising for anyone close to me. If its important to those closest to her then it should be taken into consideration if at all possible.

The unfortunate truth is that he will have other funerals to attend, and will get more wear out of it.

BTW the title didn't loose my sympathy for your plight, it was the "I've got laundry to do, packing to do, holidays to get to, together time to do... "

The woman is dead, if your dh wants to go to her VERY LAST VERY FINAL event to SAY GOODBYE FOREVER and can get a black suit then fine. If not them I'm sure he won't be escorted off the premises. You can always stay home and do your housework.

We went past a funeral party the other day and they were all wearing black, DP commented that he thought they only wore black for funerals on tv not in RL. I am the same,, I thought it was just a Victorian thin, didn't know people did it nowadays.

If it is the wish of the deceased then it is a reasonable request but still I am sure everyone will understand if he wears the grey one with black tie as long as you go in black.

Oh for goodness sake, just tell him to wear the charcoal one, perfectly appropriate.

Granny is dead it doesn't matter what you wear as long as you go to funeral.

Dont think the family are going to stop him going into church for wearing a charcoal suit.

WHy the fuss at someone saying that a funeral is an inconvenience to them, anyway? SOmetimes funerals are inconvenient, if it was someone you weren't particularly close to who has died. And even if you were fond of the deceased, it's not that terrible to wish their funeral didn't clash with, say, a concert you have tickets to. THe planet doesn't stop moving just because someone's died, after all.

not read the whole thread.

Yes they are being a bit unreasonable about everything having to be back (rather than just dark), but now is hardly the time to pick a fight. She was one of their parents fgs

If I die and a relative, say an Aunt, has tickets to a concert they have looked forward to for ages, I hope they go to it and celebrate my memory some other way .

But I don't think my wishes should be given much importance because a funeral is for the living, not for those who can no longer be with us. They allow lives to be celebrated and the grieving friends and relatives to be comforted. When you pay your respects it is to the bereaved.

IME black suits are only worn on TV. That may be where the idea came from. I find it disturbing that our behaviour and traditions can be dictated by fictional characters.

We've had 8 funerals in the last 18 months of funerals

For the vast majority of them the only conventions were those of basic politeness & consideration - don't be late & look like you made some kind of effort. Sober suits & ties for men & that's about it really. I think black ties are unbelievably naff but dh sucked it up & bought one for his Uncle's funeral, it'll be the only time it'll be worn. He wouldn't have bought a black suit though it is completely OTT.

The funeral DH and I went to at 2 weeks ago was positively NO BLACK to be worn. I wore a bright red coat and Dh a pink tie with his navy suit

I find the idea of a black only dress code overtly enforced more than slightly bizarre. I'm stunned at the vehemence of support for the idea, too.

A charcoal suit with a black tie would be entirely appropriate, imho.

Surely it is more important to attend the funeral, than what is worn?

At my mother's funeral, I couldn't have been less bothered about what people wore, but I did get a lot from seeing the people who were there, who had made an effort to pay their respects.

I'm curious as to who is insisting on the black suit. As grandson, surely Spiderdada is close family? (although I guess that depends on the family).

DH would wear the charcoal suit, with a black tie.

He wouldn't argue the toss beforehand, he'd just turn up at the funeral in the grey suit. His feelings as a bereaved grandchild would be important too.

FWIW, I think it should be remembered that Spider too may be grieving. She may have been close to her DH's grandmother. Even if not close, she is supporting her DH whilst he grieves.