to be miffed that DHs family is enforcing a dress code at the funeral?

[Spidermama]

DHs nan has died and the funeral is on Saturday.

I've probably lost any sympathy or support straight away with that sentence alone but anyway, here goes...

I now learn that it's expected DH will wear a black suit. He doesn't have a black suit and would probably never wear it again.

So not the charcoal grey suit in the wardrobe, or the brown one. No.

In reality it means that rather than us both using our preciuos time together as we'd planned getting the house in order (we've both been away so there's a laundry and general housework backlog on a large scale) and packing for all six of us (we're booked into a cottage for the whole weekend) he will be going off to spend time and money on a suit he'll never wear again.

I just feel it's a bit odd that there's pressure surrounding what to wear, given we're all adults.

I'm sure you can hire a black suit. You can hire dinner jackets. Same sort of place I would have thought.

Message withdrawn

I think buying a cheap suit is a bit daft imho. Why should a supermarket chain profit out of death? I think a cheap black suit would look far worse than a decent grey one anyway.

Who said the charcoal grey one was decent?

....how about a binbag......well, it's black, ain't it

Well, it would be best if he had a good quality black suit. But if he can't afford one, then a cheap black suit would be better than a charcoal suit. A charcoal suit would be wrong. Words fail me on the subject of a brown suit.

As a regular poster perhaps spidermama could be given a little more benefit of the doubt by some other posters.She is rightly transporting her 4 children and herself, rented a house and so on for this funeral. It is a busy time for her and she feels stressed. I feel very strongly about attending funerals and showing respect and so on, but as an adult if it's not the actual deceased's wishes then i would feel a bit put out by being told what to wear. i would hope that people would feel i could make an appropriate choice. i would say your reponse/action depends on how you feel about who's doing the asking - if it's a usually reasonable person then i would go with it - they're skewed by grief and pandering to that does no harm.
I really agree that it's the turning up that counts and not the distinction between grey and black. You are not showing respect by spending money on clothes - surely it's about honouring their memory by talking about them, thinking about them and looking after those they've left behind.

unless it was the specific request of the deceased that everyone should wear black, i can't see why dark grey would not be acceptable

i very much doubt anyone will be disowned for daring to wear charcoal

Spidermama - hope you and DH are able to sort out suitablle attire, and sympathies for your loss x

Good post LuckyLady.

It was a good post LuckyLady but aren't the AIBU threads designed for this?

I've only read one where everyone agreed with the poster. I got the impression people posted on them because they knew that they were being unreasonable and wanted to know just how unreasonable.

If the charcoal suit is decent I would wear it - unless black was a specific request of the deceased.

'Must be black' is a bit OTT IMO.

But why would you consider the wishes of the deceased higher than those of the living?

I would wear whatever i was told to wear. I would keep peace and not let it be the day i had an opinion. Even if it skinted me.

I would expect the same if my mother dies by inlaws.

No stress:

If he has the money/time buy a decent black suit. It will become his sober suit for sober or formal occasions.

If he doesn't, then wear the dark grey with a white shirt and black tie.

Decision made.

I findthe insistence on black really strange, like others, I think it is attendance at the funeral that matters. For DH's gran's funeral DH's cousin wore smart black jans and a black jumper as he did not own, nor does his lifestyle necessitate him to buy a suit. No one thought this odd, as being there (and reading the lesson) was what was important.

When DH's grandad died less than a week afetr the birth of our DD noone in the family expected us to go, but we did, can't remember what I wore at

maybe a bit inapropriate given the thread but cant you just say that the charcoal one must have faded in the wash and once was black hehe

fairyfly: 'I would keep peace and not let it be the day i had an opinion.' Well said. I do think a charcoal one would be fine, but unless you really really can't afford it, why upset people just to make a point, at a funeral FGS?

That said, I wouldn't want people wearing black or even particularly sombre stuff at my funeral.

Chequers: "What are you talking about? Of course he's expected to wear a black suit. This isn't them forcing a "dress code" on you - you've not been asked to turn up in white tie and tails have you? This is standard funeral wear as a mark of respect to the deceased."

Eh? I have been to plenty of funerals in my time, and I have never, ever been to one where black suits were de rigeur or even common. Very, very few men have a black suit. Dark suit and black tie is the usual.

Maybe it's different in the East End - plumed horses, weeping mahvers, lavverly boy, wouldn't shoot you unless you deserved it and all that guff

Message withdrawn

Wear the charcoal suit or see if you can beg/borrow or steal a black suit for the day. Charity shops or a supermarket clothing section should come up trumps.

FWIW I wore pink coats to both my grandparents funerals (with appropriate dark colours underneath) . I didn't have a black coat and it never even occurred to me that I should go and buy one.

Chequers (later): "I just know if I was asked to dress a certain way for a funeral, that (within reason) I would do it, no questions asked."

But in this case, who's asking? It's his own grandmother, so unless sheerself, or maybe his mother/father made the request, it seems to me that he has every right to make a counter demand that all the other mourners wear lime green.

NKF: "But why would you consider the wishes of the deceased higher than those of the living?"

Same question, really. Whose wishes are more important than the late lamented's grandson?

All this funeral talk has got me thinking. I think I shall impose a dresscode at my funeral too. I shall insist that people wear anything but black. I would also like balloons, party poppers and a big party with lots of fireworks at the end. I want a decent send-off when the time comes! Would hate to think of people trooping in to some cold church or crematorium all gloomy and dressed in black. Life's an amazing, incredible journey. To have been alive at all is something of a miracle and I say let's celebrate the life that was, not mourn the death. Oh, and I want to be buried in a cardboard box and have a tree planted on top, and a bench inscribed with something suitable and not too sentimental. That'll do for me.

80's Mum as I said to Chequers lower down - you will be dead, so it doesnt matter. Funerals are for the ones still living