to be miffed that DHs family is enforcing a dress code at the funeral?

[Spidermama]

DHs nan has died and the funeral is on Saturday.

I've probably lost any sympathy or support straight away with that sentence alone but anyway, here goes...

I now learn that it's expected DH will wear a black suit. He doesn't have a black suit and would probably never wear it again.

So not the charcoal grey suit in the wardrobe, or the brown one. No.

In reality it means that rather than us both using our preciuos time together as we'd planned getting the house in order (we've both been away so there's a laundry and general housework backlog on a large scale) and packing for all six of us (we're booked into a cottage for the whole weekend) he will be going off to spend time and money on a suit he'll never wear again.

I just feel it's a bit odd that there's pressure surrounding what to wear, given we're all adults.

Could he say he likes to remember his nan in a cheerful way and turn up in something bright? We all wore something pink to my grandmother's- one of my male cousins wore a pink suit.

If you haven't got the money its too expensive for one day.

cross posts elasticwoman!

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NOT pink suit- good grief- pink SHIRT.

Buy the black suit or wear whatever you want to the funeral but don't whinge that you won't be able to do your laundry or "spend precious time together" because of it.

Chequers that is a dishonest suggestion.

F&Z - great minds ....

What does spider's dh feel? After all it's his nan. Is spidermama going? Will she be wearing black? Perhaps he wouldn't mind nipping to Asda and picking up a suit - it'll hardly take all day will it?

If this was a young person then perhaps you could get away with it, but this is an old lady who probably liked things traditional. Her family want to honour her memory. I think you should respect that and not risk upsetting people on an already upsetting day.

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Really think a well-fitting, smart suit in charcoal is better than a hastily bought cheap black one.

If it were me, I'd stand my ground on that one. But it's not, it's your husband which I guess makes it HIS call. Sorry I can't help - am sending you some cyber tea and sympathy.

TBH charcoal suit and black tie will look fine and I would not think show up as anything else on the photos. It's not like he will be grinning and wearing a flashing spinning bow tie is it, frankly. Sorry for his loss.

he must know whether it is a rule which can be broken. if it is a real 'thing' in his family then this is not the time to oppose it. in a few weeks you could ask why this is and even suggest another way.

Black only came in with the Victorians - like white wedding dresses, no? At a funeral IMO it is necessary to look smart and sombre out of respect to the dear departed, but it doesn't have to be black. At my grandmothers funeral and my friends' husbands' funeral, my DH wore a fabulous charcoal suit which he already owned, and a beautiful dark grey silk tie. He looked very smart and very respectful.
I think to dictate that everyone wears black is outdated and doesn't allow for personal expressions of sartorial mourning

Black is the colour for funerals though. I mean, it's not as if they've asked for something unusual.

Perhaps OP is particularly angry because of the manner/tone in which the message about what to wear was given?

It's a tense sad time when someone you love dies, obviously and those organising the funeral are possibly those who are saddest and perhaps they haven't been as polite about it as they could have been.

I know when my dm died, I wore black to the funeral but I had no black coat, it was spring and I had to wear a lightish coat over the top outdoors. I didn't have the heart to go shopping for a coat tbh. I felt like I was just falling apart.

I didn't take in what anyone wore to the funeral but if someone had worn quite light colours, it would have stood out and in some odd way I can't really understand, yes it would have hurt me too.

Mind you I believe Asda are selling a polyester black suit for £15?

Isn't it just a mark of respect to wear black clothes? I know that it's become a sort of funereal shorthand to wear dark clothes. But if we have a tradition, it's to wear black, not dark, and I don't think it's unreasonable to be asked to respect that tradition. I know people get unreasonable at emotional times like death/funeral. But how hard would it be to visit a couple of second hand shops - or Asda - to buy a cheap suit that would do - the dress code doesn't demand that the thing is a sartorial diamond after all...

Often dress code at a funeral has been requested by the deceased, but they usually ask for a specific colour, or "no black please"; I would be amazed if op's nan has actaully asked for everyone to turn up in black- that's like saying, "you've all got to show how terribly sad you are..." unnecessary really.

Wearing black at a funeral is a convention, not a mark of respect.

Whew, that's a relief Chequers. I was being to worry about the moral fibre on MN.

It's not about looking good so whether a smart charcoal suit is better than a cheap black one is not the point. It's about a certain tradition which you can choose to buck if you want. Personally, I wouldn't. And certainly not in order to get some laundry done.

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...and wasn't the op complaining , not about the time spent at the funeral, but at the time and money wasted going out to buy a black suit?...different I think.

We were asked not to wear black once, just bright colours. I think because the people who had died were taken far too soon

I think it's weird this is even under discussion - I would think a charcol suit - or another dark colour - would be absolutely fine and respectful. Are they afraid someone is going to turn up in ripped jeans and t-shirt or something?

It sounds like someone is gearing up for a confrontation though, because they made an effort to be so adamant about somhting so irrelevant, given the circumstances.

If I were you, I would pop over to Asda, see how expensive and/or horrible the black suits are, and then decide whether it's worth a possible confrontation on the day. If they really are that cheap...well, it might not be.

I was once asked to wear bright colours and I did and I had to go out and buy a brightly coloured dress. Should I have objected and insisted on wearing a black frock?

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