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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be miffed that DHs family is enforcing a dress code at the funeral?

213 replies

Spidermama · 29/01/2008 21:17

DHs nan has died and the funeral is on Saturday.

I've probably lost any sympathy or support straight away with that sentence alone but anyway, here goes...

I now learn that it's expected DH will wear a black suit. He doesn't have a black suit and would probably never wear it again.

So not the charcoal grey suit in the wardrobe, or the brown one. No.

In reality it means that rather than us both using our preciuos time together as we'd planned getting the house in order (we've both been away so there's a laundry and general housework backlog on a large scale) and packing for all six of us (we're booked into a cottage for the whole weekend) he will be going off to spend time and money on a suit he'll never wear again.

I just feel it's a bit odd that there's pressure surrounding what to wear, given we're all adults.

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 29/01/2008 23:34

I have been to lots of funerals over the years and I mean lots
and black is not universally worn by men or womem, far from it.
dark, sober colours - yes.
but black, not necessarily.
it is a long long time since we were required to go into deep mourning.

Desiderata · 29/01/2008 23:40

Nice sentiment, 80sMum, but in reality, funerals are rarely like that.

I'd be a bit pissed off if somebody set off a party popper at my funeral. I'd want the fuckers to be sad.

hellymelly · 29/01/2008 23:43

Have been to a few funerals in the past couple of years(two of them very formal indeed) and at all the men were in dark,sober suits-charcoal,navy or black.Brown is a no-go but charcoal is fine with a black tie and possibly a black or grey overcoat.black shoes,obviously.charcoal can look smarter than black anyway as black looks cheap unless its a really beautifully cut suit.Black armband optional! Of course some funerals are much more informal re colour but if they are keen to keep up a dress code then I think the above is safe.Sorry about dh's nan by the way.

80sMum · 29/01/2008 23:48

Do you not think it would be nice to go out with a bit of a bang though - even if the bang was from lots of party poppers!? Seriously, I do think it's so much nicer to celebrate a person's life rather than mourn their death. It's not as if death is anything unexpected, after all.

edam · 29/01/2008 23:51

Spider, is dh actually at all bothered about having to find/borrow/buy a black suit? Or is it you?

Just get the impression from the OP that this is actually about you being pissed off at having dh's time taken up with something you hadn't planned. Which seems a tad unreasonable.

fairyfly · 29/01/2008 23:54

When i die i want my grandchildrens wives on here moaning about what colour my grandchild should wear.

I shall pass him the divorce papers in my haunting.

madamez · 29/01/2008 23:56

Actually, to some households, £15 quid for a suit that will be worn about once every 5 years is a big deal. People who live on benefits or the minimum wage generallhy have every penny budgeted for: if that's your household income then there's generally about £40-50 per week to buy all your food, travel, gas and electricity. New clothes have to be saved up for. And a dark grey suit is perfectly acceptable funeral wear - it's not a ripped up t-shirt with SUck MY Cock written on it.

sallystrawberry · 29/01/2008 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yurt1 · 30/01/2008 07:57

80's mum- my grandmother's was like that. Except for my aunt who wore a ridiculous black hat that we all sniggered at, everyone wore something bright. I have a feeling I worse a brown suit with a pink scarf (shock according to this thread- post pregnancy it was the only thing that fitted and I was told not to be silly to think of buying anything).

If anyone tries to impose etiquette at either mine or dh's funeral they'll have a problem- as presumably ds1 will be there in some form. I hope everyone comes brightly dressed too. And I agree with you about celebrating life.

Agree with madamez - although her last sentence made me choke.

DH's family have a big funeral etiquette. I've never been to one on his side, left him to goo alone, but no doubt will do something that will be frowned upon when I do.

hercules1 · 30/01/2008 08:01

How sad that for a funeral of a family member people worry about how it disrupts their busy lives. .

hercules1 · 30/01/2008 08:02

Though that said I can understand the money situation. We've been there too during a more distant family members funeral and not been sure how we could buy appropriate clothing for the whole family.

hanaflower · 30/01/2008 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tommy · 30/01/2008 08:05

if he turned up in the grey suit, would he not be allowed in?

I tbhink that's what I would do - although personally I think that wearing all black to a funeral is a bit an outdated tradition and IME if you go to a funeral where everyone is wearing only black, it looks like they've been watching too much EastEnders.

I don't own any black clothes and I go to a lot of funerals - no-one has ever turned me away

belgo · 30/01/2008 08:07

I agree with luckylady's post further up:
'As a regular poster perhaps spidermama could be given a little more benefit of the doubt by some other posters.She is rightly transporting her 4 children and herself, rented a house and so on for this funeral. It is a busy time for her and she feels stressed. I feel very strongly about attending funerals and showing respect and so on, but as an adult if it's not the actual deceased's wishes then i would feel a bit put out by being told what to wear. i would hope that people would feel i could make an appropriate choice. i would say your reponse/action depends on how you feel about who's doing the asking - if it's a usually reasonable person then i would go with it - they're skewed by grief and pandering to that does no harm.
I really agree that it's the turning up that counts and not the distinction between grey and black. You are not showing respect by spending money on clothes - surely it's about honouring their memory by talking about them, thinking about them and looking after those they've left behind.'

I really don't see how anyone could take offence if he wears a grey suit rather then a black suit.

throckenholt · 30/01/2008 08:18

I haven't read the whole thread - but I would just go in the suit you have. If they get offended it is their problem - your DH is going to say goodbye to his nan - it shouldn't matter to anyone else what he wears.

Pennies · 30/01/2008 08:21

Don't have time to read the whole thread but am at the fact that the OP sees someone's death as so highly inconvenient to her domestic arrangements.

"Precious time" is referred to in the OP. Has it occurred to you that the poor lady who has died has now run out of "precious time"?

Get to ASDA / hire a suit / buy it then Ebay it and show some respect.

And take some time on your hols to think about how you've come across on this thread.

Unbelievable.

bozza · 30/01/2008 08:28

Personally I am of the camp that thinks that a decent charcoal suit with black tie would look better than cheap black suit. But obviously my family would be outcasts on mumsnet because not one of them wore a black suit to my Grandad's funeral. My Dad and Uncle wore navy and grey (not even as dark as charcoal) suits. But IIRC, Grandad used to wear a grey suit to funerals, so obviously it wouldn't have bothered him. I wore a black skirt with grey flecks in, black shoes/tights, white blouse and black wrap cardigan, so not even a suit or dress.

PippiCalzelunghe · 30/01/2008 08:35

YABU very much so! haven't read the whole thread but agree with pennies.

I agree it might be an inconvenience but dying it's quite a bigger inconvenience imho and events like this should make you think about it.

Go and rent one for the day and stop thinking about yourself for one day!

yurt1 · 30/01/2008 08:35

I think spidermamma's last line sums it up for me though:

'I just feel it's a bit odd that there's pressure surrounding what to wear, given we're all adults.'

Because the same thing happened when someone on dh's side died. Before he'd even passed away he was sent money by his mum (he's in his mid 30's ffs) to buy a new black suit. The family member wasn't even dead (although he was teminally ill). DH works in a job where he has to wear a black or charcoal grey suit every day. I thought the entire thing utterly bizarre.

spidermamma's dh should be old enough to decide what he wants to wear to a funeral and he surely has enough sense to make an appropriate decision.

Hecate · 30/01/2008 08:50

Funerals aren't for the dead, they're for the living. I think if the person arranging it (I'm assuming this is the closest relative?) needs to see everyone in black, then just buy a cheap black suit. It obviously matters a lot to them at this difficult time. I would guess they want to feel that people are mourning, they want to SEE that procession of black suits because they perceive it as a mark of respect for their loved one.

twentypence · 30/01/2008 08:57

Dh goes to funerals in his work uniform, but as a mark of respect he remembers to take his jacket to work with him that day.

I'd say charcoal suit and black tie.

themildmanneredjanitor · 30/01/2008 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chequers · 30/01/2008 09:00

Message withdrawn

Chequers · 30/01/2008 09:04

Message withdrawn

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 30/01/2008 09:05

Bit confused by the question - 'But why would you consider the wishes of the deceased higher than those of the living?'

Because they were their last wishes I suppose. Out of respect.

You want to be buried? Oh I'll cremate you instead.

You want to leave your house to the local dog's home. Oh no can't have you doing that, I'll just tear up the Will.

You want flowers - forget that, it's a waste of money.

Organ donor? No chance, I want you buried with all your bits < very topical this one >

Hope you come to a decision that will appease everyone Spidermama.