For welcoming Jennifer Anniston’s honesty about her struggle to have children

[RhubarbRocks]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-63576100

As someone who went though multiple rounds of unsuccessful IVF in my late 30s and early 40s it’s good to see this normalised in the news. It sometimes feels very isolating when you can’t have children (not least here when it’s sometimes questioned why childless women are here - I joined during ivf and have stayed for all the other non child related chats!)

So not really an AIBU but maybe a question/observation about the assumptions we make about whether a woman does/doesn’t have children.

A breathtakingly insensitive post on more than one level - congratulations!

She is at the very beginning of that tricky generation when a lot of people think that IVF is already so easy and routine, and delivers the positive result every time or at least every other time but it’s far from that. She probably would be more successful if she was 5 years younger as IVF techniques were developing so quickly in recent years.
I really admire her for speaking about her experience. It’s not easy.

Oh fuck off with this patronising shit.

So many buy-a-baby slebs these days, I'm glad she didn't.

The article says she tried IVF in her thirties and forties - it doesn’t say whether this was with Brad Pitt or not, but I’m guessing it must have been hurtful to have all the judgement from the media about putting her career first when they may have been trying very hard to conceive.

As an aside - and I’m not saying it’s so in JA’s case - I’ve often thought that the pressure in Hollywood to be unnaturally thin (especially in the 1990s/2000s) has messed with a lot of actresses’ fertility. Calista Flockhart (of Ally McBeal fame) ended up adopting, and the percentage of lead actresses needing IVF or some sort of assistance with conception seems far higher than the general population.

Ah so it’s definitely the womens fault that they have struggled to have a baby? You know calista and her situation? And you know the body fat ratio stats on celeb and non celeb pregnancies and births?

Exactly this x
I have DS30, but none with partner (issues on BOTH sides). Tried IUI -not successful.
we began fostering about 6yrs later.
It's not about replacing what you can't have, and as you say raising a child with trauma is NOT the same as raising a biological child. The issues to overcome are massive and I do think a lot of people go into for the right reasons but with rose tinted glasses on.

@OldMotherShipton what gives you that idea that it is any easier to adopt in the US?

The star, who is appearing in the Apple TV+ series The Morning Show, went on to say she felt "a little relief now" about being older and found it "liberating", because "there is no more, 'Can I? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe'. I don't have to think about that any more", she explained.

I totally get this sense of relief. I knew in my late 20s that I would be unlikely to conceive naturally and decided against IVF for many reasons, but throughout what should have been my fertile years I had unprotected sex and wondered whether it might happen. I have been very open about my status and could pay my mortgage off if I had a pound for every "I've got a friend who was told that too and now.." blah blah blah. I'm in my 50s now and have got a lovely, kind and supportive group of friends who are also childfree not by choice. It was very brave of Jennifer to speak out and address what has been a constant narrative to her lifestyle. And we can finally show the world that not all childless women are weird and dysfunctional. I use those words deliberately as they are words that have been used by others about me.

I admire her for speaking out but really it’s none of our businesses. I suspect she would have preferred to keep all this to herself but media scrutiny over the years has worn her down

Also, it’s not always simply a case of “she should have started earlier”. Of course, biologically that’s ideal. But sometimes the desire to have children does not come until late 30s. And you shouldn’t have children unless you want them. So it’s not simply celebrities assuming they can buy fertility, it may be that by the time they want them they’re in their late 30s, by which time the clock really is ticking

I feel the same way. It’s isolating. The struggle and the tries.

the dumb dumb comments about adopting (omg I will light anyone who comes at me up on this… it is not that simple) and the so much other foolishness from people

so you keep it a secret. Hard to carry.

You get it!

I’m a twin. I started trying the same time my twin did. she has two wonderful children now. It’s not even an age thing but I think the age thing shouldn’t be glossed over. My mom had us in her 40s. All the women in my family are very fertile… so many women in their 40s…I ..uhhhhh… got the short straw in that regard.

Egg freezing is not a get-out-of-fertility-jail-free card; it somewhat increases your chances, but the success rate isn't so great.

It can be a rocky path. I had my first daughter at 33 then multiple miscarriages and couldn't conceive. Started pre ivf drugs then conceived at 38. We were starting to discuss adoption because I was just so weary of losing babies or not conceiving babies which consumed my late 20s and 30s. Adoption was not a route we wanted though. It's not that simple and the physiological process of being able to conceive was consuming us too much.

So correct!!! Frozen eggs here and it’s true. But you never know your path.

also
It’s wild how everyone throws in adopting as an easy OMG do it type plan.. it’s OBVIOUS they’ve never delved into it.

PSA older men aren’t good for fertility. They get all the media but they are like women. Worse even. Much more complications in the child’s developmental abilities and less fertility than most know.

Just to add to the not always age comments.. a friend started trying at 29 and had 9 years of heartbreak down a variety of routes before she got her baby. People just don't know what others may be going through.

True this, I am young for my journey and it’s tough.

People always know better. The amount of advice…. My word!

They don’t get it’s not always an age thing. they don’t get it’s not an easy fix “OMG JUST ADOPT”

When things come easy or dare I say … yes I will… even come about unplanned… SO MANY UNPLANNED … people are quick to cluck advice/judgement.

It is lonely.

I hope things are going well for you and it all works out JustKittenAround.

I was so angry for her when I saw this.her literal whole career has been questions about when she will have children. And the ifs and the whys.
I made myself feel better about the media scrutiny by telling myself she was a strong woman knew herself and she didn’t want kids so they could all fuck off.lovely. And she is so quiet and private and dignified about it.
so to hear actually no it’s that she hasn’t been able to conceive.that’s heartbreaking for her.because to hear and see every article about it and her must have been excruciating when she was desperate at home.

It also reminds me how we are manipulated by the media and that world to see and think things about certain topics or people. Which is maddening

This.

I actually feel really sorry for her because it just feels to me like the poor woman would have been subject to speculation for her entire life and finally felt forced into speaking up about her struggles.

Why can't we just leave women alone?

@marvellousmaple

Me too. I guess it wasn’t as much of a thing or acceptable when she was really trying to conceive.

Nothing against the idea of surrogacy itself but all these rich starlets buying surrogacy so they don’t ruin their bodies/stall their careers is sick to me.

We used to judge the rich victorian women using poor wet nurses for their children even though they were capable themselves, rich Hollywood women using other women for their wombs when they themselves can give birth seems about 100 times worse to me. Honestly it’s icky and immoral Imo.

@OldMotherShipton

You're wrong about adoption in the US.

@JustKittenAround

This simply isn’t true about older men. Yes there’s a minuscule raise in the chance of child issues but pretending that older men are “worse” or “just like women” when it comes to fertility helps no one.

Obviously many older men are quite fertile whereas once you hit menapause as a woman that’s it. We don’t need to pretend older mens and womens fertility is remotely comparable out of bitterness or whatever that they’re not, which is something I see a bit here. It helps no one.