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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For welcoming Jennifer Anniston’s honesty about her struggle to have children

450 replies

RhubarbRocks · 10/11/2022 22:55

www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-63576100

As someone who went though multiple rounds of unsuccessful IVF in my late 30s and early 40s it’s good to see this normalised in the news. It sometimes feels very isolating when you can’t have children (not least here when it’s sometimes questioned why childless women are here - I joined during ivf and have stayed for all the other non child related chats!)

So not really an AIBU but maybe a question/observation about the assumptions we make about whether a woman does/doesn’t have children.

OP posts:
JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 03:55

Schlaar · 10/11/2022 22:58

It sounds like she started trying very late and didn’t understand that fertility has a limited window. She could have adopted instead.

@Schlaar

It really does. I mean if you don’t mind if you have kids or not then by all means try in your late 30’s - it may work it may not, if your happy either way then easy come easy go. But if your heart is set on children then thinking “I’ll just wait till I’m 38 then have IVF” is very silly.

Honestly it wouldn’t surprise me if her agents and whoever fluffed her up about her chances of conceiving later - and she wanted to believe it - as trying earlier could have put a dampener on her career.

JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 03:58

Such a shame it didn’t work out with Jen and Brad Pitt, they seemed so well suited and much more alike than he and Angie. I always thought he would be too laid back for Angie and she would just end up hurting him, she had a weird and wild relationship history before him and imo seems to have a disorder of some type.

There’s probably too much water now but they’re both still good looking (especially for her age) and it would be nice to see them together, older and wiser.

HatThatWearsYou · 11/11/2022 04:22

JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 03:58

Such a shame it didn’t work out with Jen and Brad Pitt, they seemed so well suited and much more alike than he and Angie. I always thought he would be too laid back for Angie and she would just end up hurting him, she had a weird and wild relationship history before him and imo seems to have a disorder of some type.

There’s probably too much water now but they’re both still good looking (especially for her age) and it would be nice to see them together, older and wiser.

Why? He cheated on her, lied to her and now has been outed as an abuser of his own wife and children on top of his alcohol and drug addiction... why would anyone hope she gets back with that mess who chucked her over for the shiny new model he met at work?

HatThatWearsYou · 11/11/2022 04:23

And "they are both good looking, especially for her age" oh ffs.

JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 04:35

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JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 04:40

HatThatWearsYou · 11/11/2022 04:23

And "they are both good looking, especially for her age" oh ffs.

@HatThatWearsYou

Well they are, did you see the photos that went with this interview?

Wish my body looked like that and I’m more than a decade younger!😩😩😩😩

HatThatWearsYou · 11/11/2022 04:41

I'm pretty sure his oldest boy (and the other children) have given evidence that he was being abusive and violent to Jolie on a plane, culminating in him strangling the oldest when he tried to intervene.

To be honest though even apart from that my question still stands, why would she want to get back with a lying, cheating addict?

HatThatWearsYou · 11/11/2022 04:42

It was the especially for her age bit that wound me up, particularly following that they "both" look good. Nothing about for his age I noticed.

How about she just looks great full stop?

JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 04:51

@HatThatWearsYou

Well they both look good for “their” age if that makes it better for you. What’s so wrong with saying that? Yeah she does look good for her age, there’s no need to raise heckles over that. He looks good for his age too - not like men can’t also age badly or look good (by which I mean still very sexy for Brad) for their age.

I mean if I saw someone who was still conventionally good looking at 75 - I probably wouldn’t think they looked good full stop - it would be for their age. Now both Jen and Brad do look good full stop, but they also look good for their age. Some of us appreciate it as we age.

JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 04:53

@HatThatWearsYou

I think that was just what Jolie alleged and it’s ongoing. Imo she seems very controlling and like I said I’ve always thought she had some kind of personality disorder.

And like I also said - there probably is too much water (Beads cheating) for them to get back together which is why it’s a pity it ended that way.

Why are you getting so upset about this?

HatThatWearsYou · 11/11/2022 04:56

@JessicaTooManyRabbits there's so much in your comments that I'd like to unpick but I'm too tired right now.

Suffice to say that from my perspective, I think AJ has grown up a lot.
She had what appears to be quite a troubled youth so apart from being the OW I think she's grown into a fantastic woman personally and I don't think you can hold a bit of erratic romantic behaviour from her teens and 20s against someone who has clearly done a lot of personal growth, scaled back on the oddities (like the blood vial) and has held down a marriage for numerous years with an addict, while working, raising a gaggle of children AND being an ambassador for various causes.

I'd really be interested in how you think she's treated him appallingly because from what (little) I have seen of this, it seems like he's been a twat and she's been quietly putting up with it for far too long.

HatThatWearsYou · 11/11/2022 04:58

I'm not upset by this lol Grin was just pointing out the internalised misogyny (IMO) of you saying they "both looked good (especially for her age), just struck me as interesting.

Are you getting upset by this? Hmm

JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 05:14

@HatThatWearsYou

”internalised misogyny” lol. Like I said they both look good and both look good for both their ages, however being that the post was about Jen and I’d just seen a picture of her I said “her” age as I was thinking about her more in the second I wrote that.

Fancy nitpicking over every comment for any small sign of “internalised misogyny” or sexism. I bet you wouldn’t have noticed had I written his age.

It’s meaningless, they both look good for their age you just seem so highly tuned to picking up anything “sexist” and getting offended by it you see it everywhere.

JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 05:21

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JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 05:21

@HatThatWearsYou

I but her as a liar and manipulator. Him not so much. For one thing I don’t think he’s that smart, just a lazy pot head who is really good looking and learnt to act a little over the years.

HatThatWearsYou · 11/11/2022 05:24

Aha of course! The poor, slightly dim, smoked up adult bloke has no agency! It was big bad Ange and her man-magnet vag, manipulating him all along...

Excuse me while I fall asleep laughing my wee head off at that Grin

HelloBunny · 11/11/2022 05:26

I love Jennifer Aniston. I really want a book from her! It would be brilliant if she went into this issue (she doesn’t have to of course). I’m interested in her generally, though, always have been. Her motherhood status or otherwise makes no difference to me. Sorry she had to go through this.
My baby was a very late surprise. I know how lucky I am (just wanted to add that, for context on my own experience).

user1477391263 · 11/11/2022 05:27

Re adoption in the US--it depends on the state, but it does tend to be easier to adopt in many parts of the US compared to here. In the UK, all adoption is, to my understanding, handled through government services, basically Social Services, and the emphasis is very much on the child's needs; there are also strong efforts made to keep biological parents and kids together unless there are good reasons not to. In many parts of the US, there is such a thing as private adoption and adoption handled privately through religious organizations; the whole "young woman gives up newborn rather than having an abortion," though rarer than it once was, does still sometimes happen in some parts of the US.

As for older men and fertility, I think it's a complex issue. Men, just as much as women, face the issue of aging and life plans; although most men CAN father a child in their 50s etc., only a few do, largely because most men, not being completely stupid, can do maths, and don't want to be dealing with a teenage kid at 70 or whatever. Generally, if a man reaches his mid 40s with no children, the odds of him having them after that point are low, even if he is divorced/single and could technically have a child with a younger partner if he wanted. Most men who are childless by that point decide to stay that way.

As for the health issue--men's ability to father a child does decline far more slowly than women's, obviously. However, the concerns about rising likelihood of schizophrenia, autism and other things actually appears to be more about older sperm than about older eggs, and these are things you can't screen for prenatally.

The health risk for older mothers mostly seems to be about trisomy, but whether this is a big issue or a non issue depends on where you are and your stance on abortion. If you are OK with abortion and have access to the NIPT, your risk of having a child with a trisomy is essentially zero, as the NIPT is more or less 100% accurate.

Chomolungma · 11/11/2022 05:35

Poor Jennifer, it must have been so hard for her going through all that with the added stress of media attention. I really feel for her.

UnderHisPie · 11/11/2022 05:37

I always thought Jennifer's acting chops were dismissed because she 'just' did frothy comedy for a long time.

But even in that she had excellent comic timing, rarely seen in others.

She's taken a lot of life's hits with dignity and come out still standing. Good for her.

Sunbird24 · 11/11/2022 05:41

It pisses me off when people point fingers about “you left it too late” or “you prioritised your career” - if you don’t meet someone that you want to have children with in your twenties what are you supposed to do? Go out and find some random, or have a baby in a relationship you know isn’t going to last, just so you can tick that box? Many of us have hoped that we’d find our person and it would all work out but it just hasn’t.

If I had a tenner for everyone who’d suggested adopting, or donor eggs, or a surrogate, I’d probably have enough for another attempt, except I wouldn’t do it as I’m too old and too bruised from all the previous failed attempts. I can’t even imagine how much more awful it must have been for Jennifer Aniston with all the media speculation on top.

JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 05:43

@HatThatWearsYou

Whatever. I don’t know for sure obviously but then neither do you and you assume he is at fault. That seems more like sexism on your part to assume that he the man must be the one lying.

If you were to tell me a story about some other Hollywood guy or celebrity being abusive and manipulative had come out but he denied it - Mark Wahlberg or Tom Cruise or some old guy like Brando or one of the Beatles then I’d think - yeah that may be true, because those guys seem either smart enough or have enough of a nasty streak to make it believable.

But between Brad and Ange both accusing each other of being the abusive one and manipulative - based on her past and personality I’m more inclined to believe Ange is the manipulator and abuser as like I’ve said I just see Pitt as a kind of lazy stoner who was luck to be real good looking.

But of course neither you or I know and I fully admit I’m speculating on celeb gossip - so why are you so certain that Brad is abusive purely because Ange said so? Because he’s a man?

JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 05:45

@user1477391263

Loads of men father kids in their 50’s - that’s not remotely rare. Yeah it would be rare for a man to start having kids at that age but if you have 3 kids or something it’s really not a rarity for the third to be conceived when the dad was in his 50’s.

KimberleyClark · 11/11/2022 05:46

LovelyQuiche · 11/11/2022 02:05

Also, it’s not always simply a case of “she should have started earlier”. Of course, biologically that’s ideal. But sometimes the desire to have children does not come until late 30s. And you shouldn’t have children unless you want them. So it’s not simply celebrities assuming they can buy fertility, it may be that by the time they want them they’re in their late 30s, by which time the clock really is ticking

Celebs also think they don’t want children and change their minds. Cameron Diaz was vocally childfree by choice in 2014

www.today.com/parents/child-free-choice-how-cameron-diaz-represents-women-me-1d79883715

ReneBumsWombats · 11/11/2022 05:47

JessicaTooManyRabbits · 11/11/2022 05:21

@HatThatWearsYou

I but her as a liar and manipulator. Him not so much. For one thing I don’t think he’s that smart, just a lazy pot head who is really good looking and learnt to act a little over the years.

Pitt is a brilliant actor. So is Jolie. On a personal level I like Aniston the most out of all three, but talent wise I think she's probably the least gifted.

Actors do tend to be a bit deranged.

I'm very sorry for her struggles and I admire her for talking about it and not buying a gestational carrier, as pro-surrogacy people like to call surrogate mothers since the whole thing rests on utter dehumanisation. It must be so heartbreaking going through that when Pitt and Jolie have such a brood between them.

I don't think pregnancy would have ruined her career as some PPs think. They'd have just written pregnancy or weight gain into the story, like with Lisa Kudrow or Jane Leeves.